Dear Me; It'll Be Okay

Dear Me, 

It’ll be okay.  

I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but everything will work out how it’s supposed to. As much as I (you?) hate to admit it, Mom was right on that account. The one constant in life is that nothing ever stays the same. Change is the companion who stays by your side throughout. You will never be the person you were yesterday, and you won’t be who you are today, tomorrow. So, breathe. Sit down. Meditate, if you need it. Listen to everything I’m about to tell you, because everything you’re doing, and going through, is how it’s supposed to be.  

I understand, it’s rough, right now. I remember how it was. Going through your teenage years, alone, sucks, to say the least. You’re going to get through it. You’re going to make it to the other side of this hell. I promise. You’ll be scarred, but you’ll make it.  

I wish I could tell you that it’s all going to go according to plan. I wish I could tell you that the BS gets better. But even though life itself keeps throwing its punches, you’ll learn to roll with them better. You'll learn to move on and not let the hurt dig it’s claws in so deeply. You’ll learn how to release that hurt without hurting yourself. You don’t know it now, but you will get better, and it’ll be okay.  

When you think of the girls who, right this moment, are being awful, the girls who are making your life hell, you won’t be hurt, you’ll pity them. You’ll know and understand that they were going through their own pain, their own hell, that they were unable to cope with and took it out on you. And, that you can grow to become better than they ever made you feel you would become. You’ll outshine all of the perceptions you have about yourself. And you’ll find your people. You’ll learn what a healthy relationship looks like. You’ll learn that you deserve it. You aren’t inherently bad and don’t deserve bad things.  

It’ll be okay.  

Let me tell you a little bit of what I remember, and what it becomes.  

I remember... 

You were standing in the hallway, dirty, stringy hair, trying to disappear into the walls around you. Watching all the other students pass you by, chatting with their friends, you, invisible, feeling so alone in the world. The thing you don’t realize is there are others trying to blend into the background, just like you. One day, you’ll find them, and you’ll help one another. Those mean girls and boys will be nothing more than a distant memory.  

You’ll realize that they were acting out their own pain and taking it out on you. You didn’t deserve it. You were just the easiest target for their internal strife. Remember, pain begets pain. Be better than that.  

Things won’t go how you expected, but that’s ok. Life isn’t a straight line from beginning to end. In the words of The Doctor, “It’s more like a big ball of wibbly, wobbly, timey-wimey, stuff.” That means, you don’t have to do it in order, either. Even without a TARDIS, you can choose your own timeline. Nothing ever goes according to plan, and that’s okay.  

It’ll be okay.  

Grayson, your childhood sweetheart, won’t be your forever sweetheart. From loving him the most important person in your life will find you; your son. That will make all the heartbreak and fights worth it. He will become the light that holds you back from the darkness. I know that’s cheesy, but it’s the truth, and you’ll learn that someday.  

Much of what is causing you pain, is merely your viewpoint on it. Once you let it go, it won’t have a hold over you anymore. You’ll take two decades to begin to realize that things are meaningless, and they don’t help you remember, anyway. The people you bring in are the ones who are worth anything. The experiences you have with them. The love you share with them. That’s what’s meaningful. 

When you hold that blade above your wrist tonight, I’ll be there with you. I’ll be giving you the hug you need to break down and cry, instead of making yourself bleed.  I wish I could make that true. Make it happen outside of my head. But, without these scars, who would you be? Without the pain, would you fight for others as much as you do? A gem is created through fire and pressure.  

I believe in you. I know you will come through the other side, a gem. And you won’t be the only one to see it. Others will be drawn to your glimmering beauty; even with the dark humor. Those will be your people. They’ll be your tribe, as Mimi says. They’ll stand with you and help be your strength, and you, theirs. Most won’t be in person. Your tribe will be scattered across the world, but you’ll be able to reach them whenever you need. They love you, even though they’ve never met you. They love you, because you’re worthy of love. You’ll love them for the same reason.  

You’ll find the partner and friends who will stand with you, fight with you, cry with you, laugh with you. These people will be drawn to you, and you to them, not because of your brokenness, but because of your beauty despite the ashes surrounding you. They’ll show you that you’re worth more than what you can do for them and who you pretend to be. They will love you, because you’re you. Someday you’ll learn to love yourself, too.  

You’ll see yourself as they see you, and it will be beautiful. No matter your weight, your skin, your hair, your clothes, you will be beautifully you. That beauty will radiate to everyone around you. You’ll come to realize you don’t need material possessions and perfection to be a content, worthy, human being. You just need to be you.  

Notice how I say content, rather than happy. Happiness will never stay. You will never be wrong if you don’t feel “happy”. A lack of continual happiness isn’t a flaw, it’s life. Life is hard. It’s messy. And it’s so beautiful when you can stop and see what’s around you, and how everything connects to all that was or will be. You are okay just being you. You are enough and you’ve always been enough.  

It’ll be okay.  

I’ll leave you now with a nugget of wisdom. You can do it. You can do it however you need to get it done. Nobody else can ever tell you if it’s worth it or not. You can do it.  

You are loved. You are important. You are worthy.  

Love from,  

You (Me?)