Where the sea meets the sky

The water was eerily calm this morning, but I can feel the wind brushing my skin. It was almost chilly enough to wear a jacket, but my stubbornness translates into goosebumps. If he were here, he would have draped a blanket over my shoulders by now. That was one of the few ways he was thoughtful.

“Parker,” I felt it leave my lips. I can’t hold back from saying it anymore. His name has always felt right slipping through my lips.

The wind was getting hard. I could hear its whispering by my ears. I couldn’t help but smile. I know he always used to feel free when the trees were screaming.

I never liked the strong winds that came with living in seclusion. But my thoughts were never our concern. He was right, I learned to love it, crave it even. And now every time I sense strong winds are coming, I make sure I’m outside to feel it. Every part of it. Every part of him.

They were getting too rough. I started hearing the screaming that refused to leave my bones I wanted to go back inside and not think about it anymore. Why did I come to this lighthouse again? Why do I always come back? The wind was picking up, and I remembered how much it scared me again. How much it used to empower him. He always felt bigger, better, more capable.

Clinging to the rails now. I see the rain in the distance. Can’t see civilization anymore. I can’t help but wonder if they see the rain too. I look down and see my house. Our house, I mean. I don’t know what he’s been telling people, but it's always been my house. My land. My dad gave it to me when he passed away. A private island. Somewhere to start my dreams, somewhere to keep me safe.

So yes, it is my land. The lighthouse was only Parker’s. I’ll give him that. The open land was too plain without anchoring something to it. To show we are here. That it was occupied.

So I let him put it up, what is it to me, really? Claim the land. Show it’s yours. Show it’s ours, I mean. No, it’s always been mine. It’s always been mine. I keep having to remind myself.

I don’t have to cling to the rails now. There is an idle in the wind, but I’m never fooled by it anymore. I’ve been up here too many times to know that it doesn’t just stop. It doesn’t stop right before it hurts you. It makes sure to let you breathe for a minute so it can take more air from your lungs.

To the stairs now, looking down. I always hated how he built them, uneven and almost impossible to climb down in hard winds. I look out at the water again. It’s almost beautiful how the sky has ripped up the ocean and blended together. Almost so beautifully tragic I didn’t want to rip my eyes away from it.

The wind. I remember, yes, the wind. I need to start climbing down the stairs. But the wind was calm, for now. I wanted to go look closer. I need to see what happened to the ocean. I hear him calling me to the ledge. It doesn’t scare me this time. He’s done it multiple times before. The wind is whispering to me. Encouraging me. Where else am I supposed to go? it tells me. Where else am I supposed to go? I’m not sure if the land I was looking at is even real anymore.

I take a step towards him. He’s reaching his hand out. I reach for him. I know his skin will feel like home, safety for fleeting minutes. But that’s better than the unknown, if I’ll even make it down the stairs.

NO! No, I’ve done this before. Every time. I turn away from him. “Maggie,” he screams my name.

I don’t look back. I can’t look back. I can’t face him. I need to get out now or I never will.

One step down. “Maggie, come back, I love you!”

The wind blows harder, louder. I know it’s not trying to scare me yet, but it’s digging into my skin.

Another step. “Maggie, it’s not you. I’m just having a really hard time right now.”

A tear leaks from my face, and I’m mad I couldn’t stop it. Mad that the wind took this from me after taking so much. But what I hate is that I wanted to go hug him and tell him I know. I know your world is burning, but I also know you’re the one that keeps lighting the matches. I will not be fuel for you any longer.

Another step. “Maggie, you are the one. Please don’t give up on me.”

The storm is moving in. The one I’ve been scared of.

Another step. “Everyone leaves me.”

The tears start pouring out of my face. I don’t know if I’m even alive or if the tears are coming from the sky. The fire is brewing in my throat. Burning from the inside.

Another step. “Maggie, you bitch, come back.”

It’s almost unbearable. I knew the wind would pick me up any second and drag me to where the sea meets the sky. Where there’s no turning back. No making it better.

My foot hits the ground and the wind starts to ease. I run. Run as fast as I can to the house. I see the warm light on. Almost like it had no idea what’s being destroyed outside. I was envious as I ran toward it. I could feel the wind softly begging me to come back. But as I ripped through, it got quiet. Almost like it didn’t know what else to say.

I looked back at the lighthouse. The one he always loved. My baby. My love. My heart. My sacrifice. My pain. Not mine anymore. I watched the wind rip him out of the ground and take him to the place I thought I was destined to go. Where the sea meets the sky.

My land. My house.

His lighthouse.