MAKING MY OWN DECISIONS

All I ever wanted to do was to please my Aunt Erie. Just about 5' 2", and a bit on the round side, plus the youngest of her eight siblings, she was essentially the head of our family. My mother was her older sister. She was everyone's boss and we all accepted it. "All" was comprised of my two brothers, her two daughters, and her five brothers. Erin Mitchell was literally the queeen pin. Of course much of it was subtle, and under-cover, but she had us all in her pocket--especially my two brothers. And the fact was, that pretty much no one in the family made any major decisions without running it past her. And if she didn't bless it, well chances were strong it wouldn't happen. An example of a blessing or NOT, is like the time my brother, who was at the time 32, came home and said he was buying a car.

"Hey Aunt E, my boy Jeff has a great mustang for sale; he's only asking $4500 for it and it is in great shape; we gon' draw up papers and everything.

"Hmm, I don't think that's a good idea." She told him in an easy tone.

"Why?" Mark asks; Somewhat taken aback. "Because I don't think you should go into a business arrangement like that with friends." And anyway, you don't know what kind of shape that car is in."

After a few more attempts to sway her to his thinking; Mark left out feeling discouraged, Keeping in mind he did not come in asking for her permission or opinion, per se; he was just excited about sharing his good news. Needless to say while Mark did ultimately get a car, it was not that one. Then there was a time my mother was telling her that she was just thinking about getting herself a full length fur coat in these last months before her retirement from a local hospital, where she had been working for 30 years.

She said "Erin, Kaufmanns has furs on sale since it is summer, I'm thinking about getting one since I'm down to my last 10 months before I retire; they were $8500, and now they are 6,000." My Aunt, her younger sister, rose up from her position on the sofa, and said, "Oh that sounds good, Minna, make sure you don't wait too long for those prices to go back up."

I had very special relationship with my aunt. When I was born, she was only 13 years old, so she was enlisted early on to take care of me. And I was 16 years old before she had her own daughter, and then 22 by the time she had her 2nd daughter. She was definitely totally my other mother. I was used to that number one position and was up for whatever it took to keep my spot. So I was like everyone else--under her spell--until that is that I ended up with a job in Washington, DC and lived away from home about 15 years.

Relocating to another city made me different without me even trying. No one else left the nest so to speak so they had formed a giant cocoon and everyone lived under it. Except me. As a result I had formed other friendships, I had lived on my own, making my own decisions; so it was difficult coming back home, dancing to the tune that my "Aunt" played. But be assured, the expectation was there. By the time I came home, I was 45 years old with two children I had already raised--ages 10 and 15. I therefore brought a different dimension than the one I left here.

Once back in Pittsburgh, though, it became quite clear that I had not shed any of that needy ness. I still needed, wanted, and worked for my aunt's approval and to basically be in her favor. Consequently, I still leaned in to her opinions--they were important to me and factored into many of my decisions. It was astounding to me to find that at the age of 45, after having lived 16 years away from home, I was not confident enough about myself as a woman to make my own decisions without consulting my Aunt. Or maybe I just did it, because it seemed like a family requirement--or maybe I just wanted to feel like I still fit in; when in truth, I didn't fit in any more. And I should have been okay with that.

I began to break away after an incident that occurred after I had been home about 3 years or so. I came to her house one evening fully excited about receiving an invite from a friend in Silver Spring, MD to attend a cook out/graduation party for her eldest son, Donnie. I was honored for several reasons, one that we had been friends since I had my son --3 years younger than Donnie. We had been work colleagues and developed a close friendship; she actually gave me a baby shower when I left work to have my son. And mainly, in order to invite me, she had to be intentional because I had been living in Pittsburgh for 3 years and even before I left the DC area, our communication was scant at best. So to hear her voice on the answering machine when I got home from work that day, "Hey Rainey!! its me Saundra. girl I'm so glad I found your number -- I need your address, you know Donnie is graduating from Frostburg University and he's coming home and we having a big cookout for him on the Fourth of July; call me with your address so I can send you the invite." made my entire day.

Yes I was honored, and thrilled beyond measure that she thought of me and my kids. As always I was excited to share this with my aunt.

"Hey Erie, guess what? I got a call from my friend Saundra in Maryland, she invited me and Karen to come to a graduation party for her son--he just finished at Frostburg University. I'm so excited about it I can hardly wait-- it's next weekend--the fourth of July.!" She responded sharply "Why would you do that??" "You don't have any money to go to Silver Spring!"

I felt like had been slapped, "Well it's just a weekend and shouldn't cost that much."

"Girl put $10.00 in an envelope and call it a day--You don't need to spend that money going down there... "

At that point I changed the subject. I went home that night and told my 14 year old daughter that we wouldn't be going to Ms. Sandra's after all (I had told them earlier that we would be visiting Maryland for the fourth of July). My daughter was extremely disappointed. She wailed;

"Mom, whyyyy?? whyyyy can't we go?? We don't have to stop in Breezewood and eat--maybe we can just take some sandwiches."

We just can't afford it now honey." Karen, my daughter, was very disappointed because she had even convinced her bestie Raven's mom to let Raven come with us. I felt her disappointment, and combined with my own internal conflict and hating to disappoint my child, I went to sleep deeply troubled.

Over the next few days I could not stop thinking about my decision NOT to attend this party. I was disturbed because I was still locked into the spell of my Aunt--that she was indeed right about everything, and that I should always second guess myself.; and yet underneath that; was the realization that I was beyond an adult I did not need my Aunts opinion on what I could afford to do or not do.

I was plagued with two voices. One voice kept saying, 'you know Erie is right", you don't have any business going to silver spring for no cookout. Erie is right. The other voice. "What's wrong with you?? you have a car, you work, you actually get paid on Friday, so you will have money.. What's wrong with you? if you want to go you should go?"

These to conversations went back and fourth in my head the rest f the week.. Here I was almost 50, still being influenced by my Aunt's opinion. By Friday morning I was totally tortured by the decision not to go--tortured because it was not my decision, it was my Aunts decision. Why and when was I going to take a stand on what I wanted to do?? And then I asked myself, "do you think if you stay it will in anyway have her think more of you?" I hung my head in front of myself and I knew the answer was a resounding "No".

In that instant I shut out the ninny nanny voice telling me I shouldn't go; and opened up my mind and heart to the rationale that made the most sense. I am a grown up, I work, I am not completely irresponsible, I have a good running car, I've been friends with Donnie's mom for 19 years. We are going...!!!

I told my daughter on Friday after school. "Honey, as it turns out we will be going to Maryland in the morning." She jumped up 15 feet off the floor. We went and told Raven's mom, who was always glad to have a weekend away from Raven, she could carry out her nightlife, without interrupting it early. We went to the grocery store and I purchased a ton of stuff to make sandwiches, I got cookies, and fruit, and two kinds of punch, and a cooler, so we could stock it up with drinks. I told the kids we would get on the road at 6 or 7AM. I woke up at 5:30am, made the sandwiches, and packed our picnic stuff. at 7:00AM, we headed out.

I felt exhilarated, happy and like a free woman. We grabbed some Mcdonald's breakfast around about 8:30am and 11:30 we stopped to eat our lunch. That was sooo fun. At 2:00PM we arrived in Silver Spring at my friend's house. She was super surprised and we both cried. We had not seen each other in years--maybe 10. She was busy putting the finishing touches on the cookout -- so I said, "Look I'm just gonna stay long enough to get a hotel then we will go check in and come back after party starts." The party wasn't starting until around 4:00 so we had plenty of time.

Thank fully we found a Quality Inn down town Silver Spring that was only $89.00 for the night, and came with free breakfast. We took it. We got checked in at about 2:30, and relaxed, took showers-- I even took a brief nap. Our room was awesome, two queen size beds, with all we needed. When it was to go, we dressed and headed back to Sandra's at about 5:15pm. By now the yummy lunch we had on the road had worn off, so we were ready for all the amazing cookout food.

By 9pm, I was pretty done and I could see that Sandra was bushed, so I knew we would try to stay up and catch the last 10 years up. We made the journey back to our hotel, and after I got the girls settled in and they wanted to go up to the 9th floor swimming pool. I didn't feel quite so tired anymore. I put on fresh make up, put my micro-braids down, and a sexy top and went down to the hotel bar. Where there just happened to be two black family reunions going on, and a r&b band. All by myself I joined the atmosphere, met folks laughed, talked, drank had fun.

I ran back up after an hour to check on the girls who were back in the room, and I let them order pizza; and went back down to the party. I met an amazing man and; he tried to get me to go for a ride with him, but I had a strong pass on that. So we sat in the lobby and talked until 3:30 pm. (I wasn't going to his room either). We enjoyed each other's company and promised to stay in touch. Which we did, for about 3 years or until the long distance became a barrier to further development of the relationship--still it was a very beautiful interlude.

The girls and I rose around 9:30; just in time enough to get our complimentary breakfast--which was scrumptious. By 12:30 we were packed and ready to go. The plan was we were going to Sandra's by 1:00 so we could talk a bit. That was almost the best part of the weekend catching up with my friend after all these years.

By 3:00, we were back on the road, with the yummy lunch my friend had made for us. So that took care of our evening meal. Around 7:45pm, we pulled up in front of our house, safe and sound and full. And all total, for the weekend I spent $115.00 for the hotel, NO MONEY ON FOOD, AND $40.00 on gas, so this trip was way beneath $200.00 and that includes the $25.00 check we gave to Donnie.

This trip was absolutely perfect. and necessary, and revealing to me. THE most penetrating revelation was that I almost allowed someone else's negative position on something I wanted to do deprive me of what turn out to be a beautiful experience. And also that no matter what, I must never place anyone's opinion over mine when it comes to my life. I make my own decisions and take responsibility for any consequences; negative or otherwise -- That's how real grownups do it.