Disconnected

My alarm goes off. I get up. I move with numb legs to the bathroom to get ready. I get dressed. I eat. All part of my daily routine. It’s the same, every day. I no longer feel anything.

“Ugh, I’m going to be late again!” I said to my mom as I grabbed my waffle and my backpack on my way to the door.

“Maia, you really need to start getting up earlier!” my mom yelled back to me, exasperated with my tardy attendance. I had been late the past four days and was about to be late yet again.

“Yes, I remember from the last ten times you told me, thanks,” I said, rolling my eyes. I dashed out the door and started walking to school. I would make it. I had ten minutes to get there and only lived six minutes away. I was excited at this thought as I continued to walk. You know, straightening your hair and doing your makeup every morning takes a lot more time than you would think. But if I were to wake up any earlier I would be a sleepless zombie at school; so I preferred to just be late at times. 

I don’t care. I’d rather brush my hair as quickly as I can and eat a waffle at the table. I wish I didn’t bother with mascara or eye shadow or foundation. Quite frankly, I really just don’t care. How I look, how I act. I don’t care.

I arrived at school four minutes before the bell rang and made it to class with seconds to spare. 

“Not too shabby,” my friend told me from across the room. I gave her a quick eye roll but followed it up with a smile. She was a good friend. Annoying at times, but good. Science was my favorite class, I told myself, and I was excited as I took my seat.

Truthfully, I have no favorite class. There are classes. Math, science, history, writing, electives. Why do people care so much? There are rooms with teachers who bore you with lectures. I have no favorites.

The day went by, and after second period I made my way to the cafeteria.

“Hannah, Claire!” I waved to my other friends sitting at the table. They looked gorgeous as always, with new manicures and curled hair. I sat down and took out the lunch I had carefully packed that morning. Cucumbers, a PB&J sandwich, low carb potato chips, and even a capri-sun. A classic school lunch spread.

Why did I care so much about my lunch? That I cannot tell you. I didn’t really think about my lunch; just packed. Grabbed what I saw. Put it in my lunchbox. Simple, plain, normal.

Lunch ended and I chatted with my friends as we all headed to history class. 

“Are you going to homecoming?” I asked Claire.

“Duh, you already knew that. Have I shown you my dress?” she replied. 

“No, I don’t think so.”

She whipped out her phone and showed me pictures of the shimmering peach dress she planned to wear. I showed her mine and we gossiped about who we were taking to the dance together. We made plans for after school and I plastered on a smile as I walked to my last period. But I had begun to wear down by the end of the day; my smile faltering as I replied to questions with dry answers. I was relieved when the day was over and when I made it back home I collapsed onto my bed, sighing as I awaited a new day.

I wake up, I get dressed. I eat, I leave. This is a new day, but it feels like all the rest.

I tried to put a spring into my step as I walked to school the next morning. I practiced my smile and cheery voice as I walked through the doors welcoming me into the jail everyone calls ‘school.’ I practiced playing with my hair and laughing at terrible jokes. I made it to first period, ready to start the day. 

When I got to lunch, something felt different. Usually I can hide behind smiles and laughs but that day I was struggling more than I usually had to. Maybe it was because I had been trying so hard for so long. Perhaps it was finally getting to me.

“Maia! Come sit with us!” Hannah called from a lunch table. I smiled at her and nodded my head as I slowly walked over to where she sat with my other friends. My feet felt like lead, forcefully dragging me over to live a life I had been tired of living. I took a deep breath and greeted them.

“Hey girls! How have you all been?” I said.

“Great! Did you hear about Noah’s new girlfriend? I hear he only broke up with Sadie a week ago!”

“Did you do well on the science test?”

“Are you going to the football game?”

Lively voices surround me as they pierce into my head. They ask questions I have no answer to. They want to know about everything. I don’t want to tell them. The voices sink deeper into my skull as pressure begins to build all around me. I can’t handle the voices anymore. I break. Then again, maybe I was already broken.

“I don’t know, I don’t. Know.” I said slowly. The questions continued. “I DON’T CARE!” I yelled. The table went silent. All eyes were trained on me as tears began to fill my blue eyes. They started streaming down my cheeks as I felt an emotion I could not place. Perhaps I could not place it because I no longer had any. I had tried for so long. I had tried to be the perfect girl and I could no longer keep up the act. 

“Maia.. are you ok?” a girl with blonde hair asked. Her name was Hannah. Had she really been a friend to me? Or was she just someone I knew?

“No,” I said. With that, I got up and left. I walked out the front doors of the school, not giving a second thought to the office ladies yelling at me to sign out. I walked all the way home and fell onto my bed as I drowned in a puddle of tears. I was feeling so much and yet nothing at all. 

My alarm goes off. I wake up and smile at the new day. I really smile. I walk to the bathroom to get dressed in my carefully chosen outfit I had laid out the night before. It’s been a year since that day at school. I brush my hair but I don’t straighten it because I think it looks cute as it is. I grin at my simple reflection and walk to the kitchen with a natural spring in my step. I grab an Eggo and take the time to sit down and eat it with care. And when I walk to school, I don’t practice smiles or laughs or playing with my hair. I practice being me.