Waiting Sparrow

Caroleena was a peculiar girl in the small town of Windstock, Illinois. She was considered to be wild compared to her peers who apparently knew how to behave, unlike her. Ever since she was little she would run as often as she could and had a tendency to dirty herself in the outdoors resulting in an unsightly and unkempt appearance. But this wasn’t the only reason why people generally avoided Caroleena. While most children developed somewhat normal behavioral identifiers, like wearing mismatched socks or collecting smooth rocks, Caroleena was known to always carry her bird, a small thing, fluted with gray-brown stripes, resting atop her shoulder. If you were ever misfortunate enough to run into Caroleena, sure enough there her sparrow would be right beside her. 

Every day as Caroleena walked herself to and from school, the Sparrow would sing beautiful melodies that turned the heads of each and every passerby. Every day they watched cautiously, yet listened keenly as Caroleena and her sparrow walked to class and took their seat in the back, next to the extra desk that always remained empty. As much as people avoided Caroleena and her unusualness, they secretly envied her ability to keep that songbird on her shoulder wherever she went. How strangely blessed Caroleena must have been to be able to always carry a beautiful song in her ear, they thought. But what these spectators did not understand was that it was not a song that Caroleena heard as she walked, ate, sat, and drank every day of her life. No, instead what she heard were the many words of an incredibly lonely and zealous sparrow who was always sure to have much to say to Caroleena since she seemed to be the only one who had an ear to hear.

Sometimes they were lovely words. Words of encouragement, of praise.

“What beautiful braids you have in today, Miss Caroleena,” Sparrow would say.

Other times the words were more deprecating, meant to correct Caroleena’s missteps and remind her of her many faults and shortcomings.

“Sit up straight and enunciate your words,” Sparrow would say. “Your teachers won’t appreciate such timid behavior. Trust me, I know how teachers can be.” 

And Caroleena would do her best to listen and obey. As Caroleena got old enough to understand what was expected of her in society, she knew her rambunctious nature had to be checked. This is what prompted Caroleena to accept the guidance she knew Sparrow could give. Caroleena’s need for a teacher and the sparrow’s eagerness to teach made for a seemingly unbreakable bond.

But most often the Sparrow bestowed upon Caroleena its endless wisdom.

“Young girls must know and grow comfortable with mistreatment in order to be able to fully feel the richness of love. They must learn the importance of humility,” Sparrow would say. 

Caroleena thought back to a time years ago when Sparrow shared with her that it held more incalculable wisdom than she could ever imagine. Although its heart and brain were small in size, its experience from its lifetime exceeded that of the largest creature on earth. Caroleena remembered keenly and fondly how much she desired to one day become as knowledgable and wise as her sparrow.

As Caroleena walked herself to school one cloudy day as she had so many times before, she felt an unusual feeling come over her. Something seemed to be different from the days that had passed. She chewed on her bottom lip as she deliberated what the cause could be. Perhaps she had forgotten an important assignment at home. But nothing came to mind. It wasn’t until Caroleena arrived to class that she discovered what it was that was the source of her troubles. Caroleena tentatively took her seat, but this time it was not next to the familiar empty desk. Now, there was a blonde-haired girl sitting wide-eyed in what had forever been the empty seat next to Caroleena’s.

“Oh,” the new girl exhaled, taking in the sight that was Caroleena and her sparrow. 

Caroleena realized it must have been quite an unusual sight for the girl. She figured most people would have been uncomfortable by the unabashed staring. But Caroleena welcomed it as opposed to the hesitant, distant stares she usually received.

The teacher commenced their lesson before Caroleena had a chance to introduce herself and her bird so that the girl wouldn’t be afraid. Hopefully she would have time during their break to make her acquaintance. How lovely it would be to have someone new in their town, Caroleena thought. However, before she could wonder too much about the new girl and what her family might be like, she was instantly interrupted by a voice close to her ear.

“Don’t,” Sparrow whispered. 

Caroleena was only left to consider the reasoning behind Sparrow’s warning. She had to work extra hard for the next hour to concentrate on the lecture instead of dwelling on the unknown in case her teacher decided to call on her.

After class, Caroleena did not approach the new girl or speak to her for fear of Sparrow’s reaction. Caroleena quickly gathered up her things and left to go sit outside underneath her usual Willow tree until it was time for the next lesson to begin.

The next few days passed just like this with Caroleena ignoring the new girl—whose name she had soon learned was Anna—and the new girl continuing to stare at Caroleena and her bird. As Caroleena avoided Anna more and more, Anna’s stares grew less and less frequent. Caroleena told herself that Anna had probably thought to ask someone about Caroleena and her bird, so there was no need for her to have to explain herself anymore. This only defeated Caroleena’s spirits as she thought about what else people could have told Anna about her. Like how the bird was just the beginning of Caroleena’s unnerving personality. She only wished she had had the chance make a good impression, prove that the disapproving people were wrong. But Caroleena was probably fooling herself into thinking that Anna would see her any differently than the others had. That Caroleena had really changed enough for someone to think well of her.

Caroleena’s disappointment was soon relieved, however, when she saw Anna approaching her after school one day. Caroleena stood from under the Willow to greet her, acutely aware of the weight that still remained on her left shoulder.

“Hello,” Anna said. “My name is Anna.”

“I know,” Caroleena replied. “I’m Caroleena.”

Anna laughed lightly. “I know,” she said. Caroleena smiled back at her.

“I was wondering if you wanted to play with me today,” Anna asked. Before Caroleena had the chance to respond, her sparrow sounded in her ear.

“No,” Sparrow said. “I strongly discourage you from making her acquaintance. Look at her. Her clothes are almost as raggedy as her hair. I can already see what a bad influence she will be on you.”

Anna’s smile grew. “What a pretty song your bird sings...how did you manage to find it?”

Caroleena was still processing what she had just heard from her sparrow. Finally, she answered, “It flew on my shoulder a long time ago…and it stayed there ever since.” A sharpness tightened within Caroleena’s chest as she said those words. 

“Oh, how lucky!” Anna exclaimed. “I wish I had a best friend like that.” Caroleena realized then that she had yet to answer Anna’s first question. She hardly knew what to tell her.

“I’m sorry, Anna, but I don’t think I can play with you today,” She answered looking at the ground. 

The sparrow chirped up. “That was too passive. Too undecided,” she chastened. It wasn’t until Caroleena heard someone call Anna’s name that Caroleena looked up.

“That’s all right,” she said as she began walking away from Caroleena and toward the woman who had called her. “Maybe tomorrow!” Anna shouted. Caroleena watched as Anna ran to the woman she assumed was her mother. She scooped up Anna and spun her in her arms while holding Anna tightly to her chest.

“Maybe,” Caroleena whispered to herself. She waited until Anna and her mother were gone until she, herself, began her walk back home.

The next day, Caroleena did her best to ignore Anna whenever Anna attempted to engage with her. She hoped that would be enough to dissuade her from asking Caroleena to play again.

But Caroleena hoped in vain.

“Do you want to play today, Caroleena?” Anna inevitably asked as they walked out of the schoolhouse together. “My mother said you are welcome to come to our house whenever you would like.”

Caroleena tried to quicken her pace. “I don’t think so, Anna. Thank you,” she responded.

“Are you busy with something else?” Anna asked.

“It’s not that,” Caroleena tried again. “I can’t play with you today.”

“What days are you available if you’re so busy?” Anna asked with a humorous tone. 

Caroleena knew how to get her to stop asking. She had gotten the rest of the town to leave her alone easily enough. But she had never intentionally pushed someone away from her before. Especially someone who had done nothing to deserve it.

“I’m not going to play with you, Anna!” Carolenna exclaimed. 

As much as it pained her to put her down this way, Caroleena know it was for the best that they didn’t interact…not for Caroleena’s sake, but for Anna’s. Caroleena didn’t think it was fair to ruin Anna’s chances at acclimating to Windstock simply because Caroleena wanted a friend. Caroleena thought she was doing the right thing. Killing two birds with one stone. She could appease her sparrow’s wishes while also protecting Anna from becoming an outcast. But one look at the hurt on Anna’s face was enough to completely fill Caroleena’s heart with doubt and regret. Anna’s eyebrows raised in surprise. Hurt and shock colored her features as tears welled in her eyes. Caroleena only saw her expression for a moment before Anna turned and ran from her.

Caroleena stood frozen in place. How long she stood there, she had no idea. She only knew that soon she couldn’t stop her own tears from spilling over and streaming down her cheeks, falling to the ground. She couldn’t bring herself to return home like she was supposed to. Instead, she ran to the creek where she knew she would be safe to cry in complete solitude. When she got to a nice spot by the water and her sparrow—who had taken flight from Caroleena’s running—resumed its spot back on her shoulder, she was reminded that solitude was never something that she could truly attain.

“You did the right thing,” Sparrow offered, nuzzling its head against Caroleena’s cheek. 

Moments passed before Caroleena was able to compose herself enough to find strength in her voice. She soon found that it was weaker than she had intended. ”It’s not fair," was all she could say. It was small, yes, but meaningless…not in the slightest; not to the sparrow.

“Not fair?” It said. “What’s not fair? That you have the wisest friend in the world who can protect you from unpleasant situations and bad connections?” Sparrow asked.

Caroleena stiffened, focusing her gaze on the water flowing before her.

“I can’t help it. It doesn’t feel fair,” she said. And despite herself, Caroleena quietly confessed a feeling that had dully ached in her chest for quite some time. “Sometimes it feels like you’re the reason for the bad things that happen in my life.”

Sparrow did not respond right away. Caroleena almost hoped it had flown away, but she could still feel the weight. It almost felt heavier with each passing moment.

“Having a feeling about something and knowing it to be true are two very different things,” Sparrow said. “Feelings are just that…feelings, emotions. You feel like it’s not fair. That you’re being mistreated. But emotions come and go. It’s important to me that you understand the difference. The truth is…what we know to be true… is that it is fair. Everything that has happened to you. You don’t think you deserve the treatment you’ve been getting?” It paused, staring at her. “Don’t you see? Surely you must see. How can someone who claims to be so self-aware as you do neglect to see the most basic and fundamental aspect of her life? There’s a reason we’re meant to be together. Why I found you…chose you, even. You are not fit to take care of yourself or make your own choices, which we’ve seen clearly today. I have no choice but to treat you the way I do when you are so lacking and…incapable. How free and alive I could be if I didn’t have to watch out for you as much as I do. You feel your life is unfair but you should be grateful. Imagine how much worse off you would be if I weren’t there to help you.”

Caroleena remained silent, feeling the tears spring to her eyes once again. But Sparrow went on. 

“Let’s face it. One day playing in the dirt with that girl would make years of my hard work a complete waste. You would make me a failure. And what do you think that would make you? A homely girl with nowhere to go in life.”

What Caroleena began to realize in that moment was that it was not wisdom that her sparrow had gleaned from years and years of living, of watching. It was resentment and bitterness. Resentment toward those it watched but could not join. Bitterness toward all the ones that listened to its melodies, but could not be bothered to stay. Until it found Caroleena. A kind, young girl who was in need of a friend. The Sparrow saw her desperation and took advantage of her entirely. Caroleena was not its friend, but merely a pawn in its distorted game. 

The sparrow may sing beautiful melodies for everybody else, but it only had words of ridicule and contempt for its Caroleena.

Before she could think better of it, Caroleena took the sparrow from off of her shoulder and held it in her hands. It only took one swift motion to snap the sparrow’s neck in two.

That sparrow had taken enough from Caroleena and she wanted her pain to end. And it started with destroying the source of all her affliction.

With tear-stained eyes, Caroleena made her way back to her home, pausing just before opening the door. Caroleena was determined but she didn’t yet know if she was strong enough. She took a moment to glean what more courage she could before entering the house. As she turned the nob and pushed the door open, sounds of her mother's melodious voice told her that she was not alone.

“Caroleena? Is that you?” She heard her mother shout from the kitchen. Caroleena walked back to greet her in a trance-like state, still recovering from the events of the day. Caroleena stood in the doorway and watched as her mother turned to face her, drying her hands on a towel. She watched as the light shone through from the window and reflected off of her mother's hair, highlighting more gray streaks than Caroleena was used to seeing in her usual brunette color.

“How was school today, honey? I hope that new girl was sure to leave you alone. She was so homely looking. And you should see her mother, too. It’s really best if we both keep our distance. You understand, don’t you?” Her mother asked as she placed a tender hand on Caroleena's left shoulder.

Caroleena realized then that the strength she had was not enough for this to end. That dull painful feeling began to grow like a flame, rising from her stomach up to her throat. All the hurt and torment Caroleena had endured began to overtake her. She wanted to scream and tell her mother that she was wrong. That she wasn’t wise. That she knew nothing of what it meant to have a truly respectable character. She wanted to tell her mother that she was the one who was homely and vain and decrepit. That no amount of nice things or cleanliness would replace the cruelty and darkness that lived inside of her. The words were desperately ready to escape her lips when she met her mothers eyes. And fear turned her whole soul into mush.

“Yes, Mother,” was all Caroleena could respond.

Defeated and finally alone, Caroleena walked back to her sullen bedroom. And there, perched blissfully on the windowsill was her sparrow, eager to greet her with a song.