Office Romance

.

I don’t know how long I sat curled up in the fetal position atop the toilet seat, clutching my cellphone with trembling hands. Lori’s WhatsApp message had dimmed and I clicked it again, as if resurrecting it to life put paid to its blatant lie :

Have you heard the news? Colin has died, a heart attack. Apparently.

The broken-heart emoji was an empathetic touch but just as hollow as Lori’s tactless message. She knew our history. I had little doubt the entire firm did. My own broken heart lay in shards somewhere on the not-too-pristine cubicle floor. I suppose a fitting locale considering the messy manner in which Colin and my torrid affair had ended two weeks ago. But I had obstinately clung onto the feather-light hope that, in time, we would work out our differences and reconcile. Office politics and his soon-to-be-ex-wife be dammed.

I sat in the toilet cubicles until I was sure the rest of the staff had gone home for the night, slinking out only when the overhead lights dimmed. Jettec Enterprises was all about cost-cutting measures, no need to waste good lighting on the bereaved. I splashed cold water onto my panda eyes, grateful no one would see me like this. I was in no state to receive sympathetic clucking condolences. The mere thought of the ritual that lay ahead filled me with dread. I couldn’t even play the lead role of the bereft wife, only the walk-on role of the other woman. A side dalliance that Lori was at great pains to constantly remind me of. Retrieving my handbag from my desk drawer, I stood still for a moment’s silence in the middle of the open-plan office. Listening to the building cry and whimper in solidarity.

Gazing out towards the foyer, the reception area was lit up like a beacon against an incoming storm. I saw him in my mind, as I had that first day, full of joie de vivre. It was energizing, to be in his company. I often wondered if the disciples felt the same way. Being anointed by the same passion that drove the Messiah. Colin had that effect on people, sweeping them up in his vision, his grandiose schemes that somehow, always seemed plausible. Possible even. And driven to prove everyone else a doubting Thomas, when his dreams became a solid reality.

“Well, are you coming, or do I have to wait all night?”

I blinked. “Excuse me?”

Colin stood holding the glass door open for me, backlit by the reception light. His collar was undone, pulled askew and his Mickey Mouse tie stuffed haphazardly in his suit pocket. He had that unrepentant childish streak that the other board directors had long since given up on reforming.

He looked tired since I'd last seen him.

I walked over to him in a daze.

“Aren’t you supposed to be dead?”

His raucous laughter sounded like a bullet fired off into a canyon, brazen and echoing. He wiped his streaming eyes. Then raked his hand through hair that was already standing in tufts across his scalp.

His expression sobered when I stepped into the ring of light. “Oh honey, I’m so sorry.”

He reached up to touch my cheek and thumb the mascara tracks away. “If only I had known, I would’ve …,” he shrugged, letting his arm drop limply to his side.

This close to him, I could smell his cologne, sandalwood with a hint of spice. I leaned into him, yearning for his touch.

“So, what’s it like then?” I gingerly pulled his shirt collar open and winced at the defibrillator burn marks on his chest.

“Like standing in a backlog queue at the rates and taxes offices,” Colin twisted his mouth in a wry grimace, capturing my hand under his, holding it firmly against his chest. “Pure hell.”

His hand was ice cold.

I felt my face twist as tears bubbled up. I always was an ugly crier.

“Hush..,shh…don’t,” he pulled me into a bear hug, “there are perks, you know, to dying.”

“What perks could you possibly have when you’re dead?” I blubbered against his jacket, soaking the fabric.

“Well,” he leaned back and tilted my chin up, forcing me to meet his gaze, “not having to deal with the jerks at the rates and taxes offices for one,” he intoned in a southern drawl.

Despite myself, I laughed.

“That’s my girl.” He stepped back and pushed the elevator button. “Time to get you home.”

We rode down in silence, but I kept casting sidelong glances at him.

“What do you want to know,” he eventually asked, turning to face me. A small smile played across his lips.

“I don’t even know where to start,” I admitted, biting my lip. “Am I going cray-cray,” I twirled my finger against my temple. “How are you even here?”

I looked down at my shoes then back up at his handsome face. “How will we figure this out?” My voice was hoarse, raw with pain.

“I’ll always be here,” he placed his palm against my beating heart, then kissed his fingertips. “And despite what others will say, and you know there will be a lot of that going on,” he air-quoted with his fingers, “you know how I feel about you. Our little fight doesn’t change a thing.”

“I still want to do so many things with you, but now...," I blurt out, I can feel the words building up, devouring all my reservations, my misgivings. I feel time slipping through my fingertips, that suspended moment before the dish crashes to the floor and then suddenly fast forwards with a whirr, and the lasagna has upended all over the floor, making a mess. I only have this moment and like an avalanche, it comes rushing out, “youandIweregoingtoskitheAlps-androadtripacrossAmerica-andmeetmyparents…” 

The elevator bumped to a stop and the doors slid open with a ping. A gaggle of cleaning ladies turned and stared at me in surprise, one glancing down at her wristwatch. I mumbled a greeting and head down, pushed past them to the lobby doors out on the street.

As the blast of frigid night air hit my face, I spun around to grab Colin's hands in mine but felt only the empty void beside me.

I glanced back, he was still in the lift, surrounded by the cleaning ladies, pressing in on him, nattering away, oblivious. Colin gave me a sad smile and raised his hand to his lips and blew me a goodbye kiss before the women obscured him from view and the elevator swallowed him whole.

.