Loss of Life

I feel the throbbing pain in my body from the waist down, but I can not see. The world is dark but I hear voices. Mummering from what sounds like dozens of doctors next to me, contemplating on what to do. Words with long pauses. I see the frustration on their faces without needing vision. 

Then the world shuts again, and I fall back into darkness. This cycle usually does not last long unless I dream. In which case I have nightmares of the events leading to this plight. 

In my dreams I am driving fast. I finished my graveyard shift as a butcher. I am tired, I want to get home, shower, and eat. During the drive back home however, I take a road near the side of the corn fields where there are usually no cars. This route requires being shrewd due to the winding road. I have not slept in days, working 2 full time jobs as a butcher and as a ceiling installer to support my wife's lucrative spending habits. I yawn, groan, stretch, and what feels like a blink leads me to drive straight through the corn plants, then leads me into a large sturdy barn house. The crash propels my body to fly towards the window of the car which causes my skull to hit the window. You’d be surprised how many stupid mistakes you make when you're sleep deprived, like not wearing a seatbelt. This is the most I remember. I am now in darkness and pain in both my legs and head. My head feels as if it's throbbing in multiple locations and if it has a heart of its own with such a strong pulse.

In the darkness I heard 2 people conversing. A man and a woman. The man presents potential options of therapy, surgery, and treatment. The lady explains how she “needs a strong man in her life”– then silence. The man not catching the bait of lust stays quiet. What I thought was a dream became real as I felt something against my eyelids. A soft rubber finger.

The first time I saw my doctor was when he opened my eyes to study them which woke me up. However, as I saw him he is not the main focus of attention. It is the lady behind him, my wife. She gave me a stern stare, not of love but of disgust. The doctor continued to tell her about my condition. It turns out that I was found in a fire and it was a miracle that I was saved because most of the tissue I had in my lower body was utterly ruined. My wife did not find this pleasing as her look of disgust became spleen. 

The doctor left the room and in his place a nurse entered. The nurse allows my wife to talk to me while she refills the IV bags, brought in food, and pain killers. The nurse is an older lady, maybe in her 30’s. She carries a look of innocence and beauty like an angel. Directly contradicting her was my wife. My wife was stunning however, it was in part of her emerald pearls, her finished nails, gold bracelets, and designer purse. As she neared me she grabbed my hand and begged me to get better. I could feel my entire body burning up. I was still not able to move but I found it in me to open my squinting eyes.

She pondered about the future, yes, out loud– What will I do? Who's going to pay for the food? How will I support you? Do I want this? The nurse tried to refrain from staring. I was not in the mood to worry about the future when I felt entirely numb. But as every husband does even as he does not feel good I attempt to comfort her. When I tried to speak nothing happened. My lips did not move. They were tied together. It was almost as if I was lifting weights at a gym and could not finish the lift cause I was too weak. My lips would not move. They were stuck as I gave up on the lift I felt a sense of dread. I was not going to be able to talk. My mouth must have been burned and stitched together. I turn away from my wife and look at the nurse and stare at her begging for help. I was 32 and there was no way I would live my life mute. How would my wife react to this? Did she know?

After this monologue escaped my consciousness, I turned at my wife and her expression flipped and became witchlike. She turned at the nurse and as she typically did at home she yelled. The second hand embarrassment was unbearable and I closed my eyes and let the pain seep away. The bashful nurse must be uncomfortable standing there receiving every insult imaginable from whore to self centered pig. Footsteps ravished, I thought I would hear a fight but instead a door slammed. Hearing the door slam I opened my eyes and see the pitying look of the nurse. I could only imagine how she feels seeing my condition and the immaturity of my wife. The IV was finished being set in place and my eyes fell back into darkness easing the pain away. 

No dreams this time. Light slowly enters my eyes when I see the same nurse. She's looking at me with soft eyes. I could feel myself rejuvenate simply from her stare. I lay and look back. Unwilling to close my eyes because I want this moment to last forever. Suddenly, I felt a cold hand on my cheek. My face and my entire upper body jumped. I am furiously cold. I tilted my head to the side and saw my wife. With eyes of horror as if I had done the absolute worst thing a man could do to her wife. She stood up, yelling calling me an “unappreciative pig” and stormed off. I blinked in disbelief questioning what the hell just happened. I do not think any man would have reacted in a different way than I did. I will have to deal with this later. After I can begin moving. 

The nurse proceeded to look at me less delicately and more pitying seeing my current relationship. My face was red. I can not decide if it is anger or embarrassment. It does not matter, what matters right now is my condition. I asked the nurse if there was an expected recovery date. She said maybe in a year I could be walking again normally. I am not excited by such news but it's to be expected. On the other hand what did excite me was the soft, gentle, voice of the nurse. Delicate and fragile which made my face return to its normal color. AH HA, it was anger– I proceeded to ask her about her family to make small talk and although I did not get a reply it was gratifying knowing that I could talk to someone and not get yelled at. Although she did not want to talk, she was feeding me even though I was able to move my arms. 

I don't remember falling asleep. But when my eyes open I feel a soft fabric pushing hard against my face. I open my eyes but I can not see anything. Something covers my face. Only my face. My mouth began opening wide for air. Every time I moved my mouth it got filled by the force and whatever fabric it was made of. I tried to pull the thing away from me. I was pulling hard but it did not move. I stopped then pulled hard and I breathed. One deep breath was enough to give me strength. Thoughts infiltrated my brain rapidly. It was like a game where I had options and if I chose right on what to do with this breath I could live. Whatever was making this force was stronger than me. I was being suffocated. But I was still in the same hospital bed because no one could move a man with injured legs and not wake them up. 

I knew the size of the room and I began smacking the air on the sides of me instead of pulling the item in my face. My knuckles landed on the target. A soft feminine groaned. The item which was undoubtedly a pillow pressed my face harder. My arms acted in survival and moved to get the pillow off my face. My head was against the bed making me almost unable to move. My braethe is draining and my head is swinging as if I had been drinking, slipped in a pool and began drowning. Just then I stopped pulling the pillow away and dropped my hands. My arms landed on the bed. I shut my eyes and my mouth. After this the pillow's pressure released, partly. But I am weak, tired, and unable to stop this. I accepted this.

A deep grasp of air was released from the criminal. Then the words that uttered “finally”. These words did not come from the nurses soft voice but someone else.

I lost it. The woman I had given my entire life to is trying to murder me. There is no way. My eyes shot open like a flashlight turning on. I shot my arm into the dark and grabbed what felt like her shoulder pulling her close to me. I did not see anything during this but I assume it caught her off guard. So much so the grip of the pillow tilted off my face allowing me to breathe. I snatched the pillow with the grip of my hand and I used it to cover her face with it. Her legs proceeded to shake and kick. But I did not let go. I am getting my revenge. After what felt like an eternity her kicks stopped and no sound was left in the room besides my deep breathing. But unlike her I held that pillow until I was absolutely sure it was over. After this, my eyes rolled back to my head and fell asleep with the weight of my wife over me.

When I opened my eyes it was like any other day. I was looking at the nurse's soft eyes. She stared at me while arranging my food and fixing my badges. I questioned if I was in a dream. Life felt light and free. I attempted to speak to her and she replied to me and once again I could hear her soft voice. But she only said “my lips are sealed”.

I caught myself in horror remembering what I had done. In my life I had seen countless animals' intestines cut apart therefore the loss of a life was not the problem but the loss of the person I was. My wife was everything to me and now I took that away from myself. Nonetheless I look at my knees and feel or find nothing to say or think. Her body was moved, who knows where. I felt empty, almost as if my house had just been stolen. I move my head slightly up but  all I see is the soft and pitying eyes of the nurse. I need to get out of here.