The Spot

“The Spot” – by Ihuoma Mike Ekwueme

You would think that after spending over 7 years apart – with no communication, no run-ins at the mall or the street that intersected our neighborhood, no contact with our families whatsoever – that the sight of Ichebadu Pepple will arouse no feelings inside of me. I was wrong. Very wrong.

About a year ago after my National Youth Service (NYSC), I got an offer to work in one of the largest newspaper companies in Benin City, Edo State. I was hired to be an Editor for The Tribune with very limited experience to occupy such a position at 23, but still I took it. The faith the Editor-in-chief had in me pushed me to accept the offer, it made me believe in myself after having spent the larger part of my teenage years with a severe case of imposter syndrome where I was constantly doubting myself and never felt I was good enough.

“I don’t know what it is about you Sarah,” she began, addressing me with my first name “but I see you and I see a young woman who will move and shake this industry, this world with her skills, talents and her heart. I see history repeating itself, only this time I’m the one watching not acting. You, Sarah are the actor this time and just like my mentor Prof. Fisayo Adigun gave me a chance 25 years ago, I am giving you a chance, a chance to change the world in the little way that you can because I believe in you Miss Ohukwu, I hope you do too."

With those words, I made up my mind not to second guess myself and I accepted the job on the spot.

It’s one year later and I am comfortable for a woman my age. I have a job that pays well in 6 figures, a house that I don’t struggle to pay for, a car that speaks class and moderation at once, two lovely friends that mean the world to me (Simisola and Ekang) and I them, no drama, no chaos, nothing but a normal life.

I have published articles and gotten a good amount of recognition for my work and I feel blessed to have a relatively good career at my age, so why complain you ask?

My dating life has been on a long hold that if I was on a call with someone they’ll think I hung up on them, in other words, my dating life has been non-existent.

“It’s not that bad.” I said rolling my eyes at Simi as if she could see me.

“Sarah! It is that bad! I introduced you to Osaze last week when we went drinking–”

 “When you went drinking," I interjected. "I don't drink, you know that.”

She scoffed, "Whatever, as I was saying before you rudely interrupted me– " I rolled my eyes. "I introduced you to Osaze and even a 6 year old could’ve held a more interesting conversation. Seriously Sarah, you couldn't have made your disinterest any louder. This was Osaze o! The one I've been telling you about. My husband’s friend who is a very hot and successful gentleman, with good behaviors and respect for women. Did I say hot?” I rolled my eyes again.

Not that the man in question was bad, he was all the things Simi described and yet, he felt wrong for me. Or maybe I wasn’t ready to put my heart out there just yet, I don't know. I just wanted to focus on my career and my life before letting any man in to share that with him cause let's face it, relationships are hard and can be quite draining when you're with the wrong partner.

It’s Friday, the beginning of the weekend, which is my time to unwind from the stress of the week, and I am driving to my usual spot. How I found this place is honestly a mystery to me, but it feels like fate that I found it, or that it found me. A part of me feels like it called to me. I still remember that day. It was a Friday just like this one, I'd just finished from work, but I didn’t feel like going home just yet. I just wanted to go somewhere calm, peaceful, somewhere really bright but also dark, if that makes any sense, with soft music playing all around me. A space where I can just relax and let go of all the mess of the week with no disturbance from anyone, where I can picnic by myself and not feel weird about it, surrounded by people but not so much, just enough to not feel alone. I just kept driving and driving with no particular destination in mind but hoping to find something and just before the estate I stayed in came into view, I saw it. There it was, "my spot” just as I'd hoped, desired even, for it to be. It was well hidden but I saw it, it called to me. I knew with every fiber of my being that it wanted me just as much as I wanted it. It was real. It was a puzzle to me that I'd lived in this neighborhood for about a year, driven this same route time and time again and yet never found it until that day. The only explanation I could settle on was that it knew I wasn't ready to find it yet, and when it deemed I was ready, then it called to me.

So here I am again, months later still in my car replacing my heels with flip flops, my navy blue skirt with sweat pants, my suit jacket with a sweater, then I pick up my phone and my little basket packed with snacks, fruits and some water, with red wine and a blanket. I usually stay in the spot facing the lake mainly to enjoy the cool breeze blowing in from the water. I pass the guy who guards the entrance.

“Good evening Osato, how you dey?” (how are you?) I asked in pidgin English.

“Madam I dey o, good evening. See as you fine today!” (Madam I am good. You look beautiful today!) he says cheerfully and I smile. Osato has a way of just making me smile without trying and I look forward to these little exchanges whenever I come here.

One of the reasons I love this place is that not a lot of people know it exists, so there is enough space to go around for everyone on the field without you being forced to listen in on your neighbor’s conversation. But not today, today is different. Someone, for the first time in the past 3 months of my coming here is on my spot, my space. My heart drops instantly, because I consider this to be –“my place,” “my space,” “my home away from home”-- and now someone – a man – is on it, laying with a quiet commanding certainty that says he owns the very ground on which he is currently lying on. I have become so territorial about this place, so much so that I haven't even told Simi and Ekang about it because I wanted it all to myself. I love my best friends but I just wanted this little place to be “my” little secret and now this stranger was lying on it. No way! I will fight for this place because it was – is – mine.

“Excuse me. Excuse me Sir good evening." I greet. "Sorry to bother you, but you're in my spot.” I say politely, but he continues to lie very still with his arms folded behind his head. It is dark but I can still make out his features as he lies down. He looks to be about 6 ft. and a few inches tall, which definitely dwarfs my 5 ft. 6, dark skin and neatly cut hair and facial hair. I keep my distance but stand my ground “Sir, you’re in my spot, please” I grind out.

Then he gets up gradually like the world should in fact wait for him, and finally turns to me after what felt like minutes.

I freeze. Blinking is not an option, because a part of me fears that if I dare to blink I’ll miss the beautiful sight in front of me. It’s him. Ichebadu Pepple. My Iche, as I fondly called him then. Age only made him more beautiful. Gone was the 19 year old boy who stole my heart without words. Looking at me now is a man, a handsome, muscular but lean man, with a basket baller’s height. If he is surprised to see me standing right in front of him he doesn’t show it. Neither of us says anything. We’re just staring at each other. Our silence, louder than words we haven’t even said. The lights littered in the park are enough for me to see that he is torn between pulling me for a fierce hug and pushing me into the lake a few feet away from us.

And in this moment, right now, it’s like we're back to 7 years ago again, on the night it all happened.

“What?!” I croaked through the tears already welled up in my eyes. Bile rose to my throat.

“I’m leaving next month to America to study medicine, I got a scholarship…” he replied and I zoned out, I didn’t hear any words he said after that because my mind was running faster than Usain Bolt in milliseconds with so many questions – “What is going on?” “Why am I just hearing about this now?” “Why didn’t he tell me?” “Was I not supposed to know?” “When did all this happen?” – so many questions. I was too shocked to say anything through his pleadings and explanations of “I didn’t know it was going to work out” “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to get your hopes up in case it didn’t happen”. Then I thought “So what about now that it worked out? What happens?”.

The tears just came rushing out like the flood gates of the River Nile was opened. So many emotions rose inside me all at once: pain, anger, betrayal, hurt, fear of the unknown, sadness, I couldn’t even pretend to be happy for him because I just couldn’t find it in me to be happy that a part of my heart was leaving to a country over 6000 miles away.

Then he knelt down in front of me, held me down and wept, apologizing over and over again, but it was like flogging a dead horse to wake up. There was nothing more to be said or done.

He made all the decisions alone and left me in the dark, all through the summer break. All the times when we snuck up at night to meet behind the Community Secondary School to spend time together, I was there, foolishly in love and in the dark - that the one person who understood me, who knew my moods and state of mind just by looking in my eyes, who kissed me like his whole life depended on it, who had my heart in the palms of his hands, who I loved with every fiber of my being – not knowing that this boy who I trusted with everything in me could rip my heart open and crush it with only a few words in less than a minute.

That was the day my heart broke to a million pieces. That was the day I lost the love of my life. My first love. My handsome Iche.

Looking at him now, every emotion I felt that day in the secondary school field that summer night is back. More surprisingly, the one that wasn’t in the books that day is now the most dominant – love. The anger I had inside of me all these years, that stopped me from thinking about him or wondering what he was doing or who he was with, it all dissipated and love stepped in. Just like the first day Ekang introduced him to me as my tutor for my final senior secondary school exams, it was like I was seeing him again for the very first time. His presence filled a void in me that I knew well enough was present but too ashamed to accept. With him, I never needed to say much, I only had to open my eyes to him and he would know what I couldn’t say. So I let my eyes say all that my lips can’t say. A tear slips from my eye and before the next one tries to fall he catches it. I’m too choked up trying to figure out how he’s so fast when he pulls me into his arms, his jaw rests on my head and for the first time in a long time I am home. My body is still reeling from shock with how fast so much has happened in less than a minute and then I hear the voice that gave me butterflies in my stomach as a 17 year old girl, only this time it’s laced with honey and sounds like music “Obim (My Heart)…” as he breathes me in. It is then that I release the breath I didn’t know I was holding. It is then I breathe, truly breathe after 7 years. It is then I work my hands up to hug him back. It is then that I let down the shield I put up 7 years ago against every man and everyone. It is then I wish we hadn't wasted those 7 years. Then that I realize that this spot had called to me for this, this moment. The moment that I realize that my love for Ichebadu Pepple never waned, not even a little bit. That I get to understand that he never stopped loving me, he’s been waiting for me all these years. My love. My Iche, here in OUR SPOT.