The Rose

Do you remember?

The day we met? Your beautiful ocean blue eyes. The first thing I noticed. When our eyes met I felt a spark. Electric. Your perfect dark skin made your gold medal smile shine that much brighter and the dimple on your cheek seem that much deeper. You were the new guy, and all the girls were flocking around you. But you came over, ignoring all of them to come and talk to me. The way you bit your lip nervously, asking my name. My heart stopped the moment I saw you. You had a way with words. It was love at first sight. You were fun and caring, sweet but strong. I thought you were perfect. And at first, you were.

Do you remember?

Those nights. Full of passion and love. The nights we spent, all tangled up. Fingernails gliding up and down my back. Hands in each other's hair. The days we had, full of fun and laughter. All of the adventures we had together. When we went all hellfire crazy, living our life with no regrets, nothing but love for each other. You showed me how to let my hair down. You let my freak come out. I was doing things I never have done before. I was skipping class just to see you. We were the couple everyone wanted to be. We were the ones that everyone admired. You taught me you only live once. You would call me your rose. I loved those precious months. I was addicted to your taste. To you. I loved you. I thought you loved me.

Do you remember?

 Our first fight? When you thought I was checking out another man. I tried to convince you no one would ever be good enough for me but you. That I am loyal. That he was only a friend. But you never listened to what I had to say. You screamed at me, calling me names like whore, ugly and slut. You said I should be grateful that you are with me. That without you, I was nothing, that I was nearly unlovable. When you punched me; it hurt. Bad. But not as much as you not wanting me anymore. You told me you would leave me unless I stopped talking to other boys. I promised. I had stopped talking to everyone it seemed. I never wanted to upset you. I kept that promise. I wanted you to love me.  Is that why you were so controlling? Because I was so easily controlled?

Do you remember? 

When you apologized for yelling? You bought me a rose to let me know you were sorry for hurting me. It seemed as though I was collecting all the sorry roses you would give me. It was good for a fleeting moment, But then the moment ended as they always did. I tried to stay strong when you started to treat me differently. I tried to please you, to keep you happy. You became angrier and angrier. When I was with you, you weren’t with me. Your mind wandered, I felt it in our kisses. You became more distant. I felt so alone. No friends, now no you. I worried. I always worried about you. Was I not enough? Not enough to keep you happy anymore? You would tell me it was my fault for feeling this way. My fault for asking about her. 

Do you remember?

How I tried so hard to reignite the spark that was lost? I would surprise you. I cut my hair the way you liked it. I changed the way I dressed, the way I acted, for you. It was all for you. Everything I did was to keep you happy. To keep you. I didn’t want you to slip away from me. I loved you so much. I just wanted you to love me the way I loved you. So you would want me more than her. I spoke more sweetly, laughed less often, became quiet. I became only a shell of what I used to be. But, I guess, it wasn’t good enough. It killed me when you would come home later than you should. I tried to be the beautiful girl you fell in love with. It seemed like it was working, At first.  

Do you remember?

Our break up? When you slapped me after I finally confronted you about the new perfume that you reeked of often. When you slammed me against the wall, your hands around my neck. Too hard. It hurt. I couldn’t breathe. It wasn't the first time. But then again you always warned me not to get in your face. You said it irritated you when I yelled. But, I couldn’t help myself.  My family was always asking me where the bruises came from. I lied. Telling them I was clumsy. Never letting anyone know our secret. Never wanting to hurt you no matter how many times you hurt me. But this? No, it was too much. I finally left. I can handle your anger, but you broke my heart when you cheated on me. 

Do you remember?

When you bought me a rose? Begging me to come back. Pleading to give you another chance. You said you missed me. You said you missed “us”. I missed that too. I missed talking to you, the good times we had. I still loved you, no matter what. Maybe I was the fool for believing you when you said no one could make you feel the way I could. When you said you loved me. I should have known. It was the same cycle. I ended up trying to hold us together when everything was falling apart. Over and over again. The same pathetic rose. The same sorry’s. The same “ I will never hurt you again”. The same bruises. The same scars. But every time I let you back into my life because I thought you meant it when you said you loved me. When will I learn? No one can change who they are. Or who they love. 

                               I remember it all too well… The lesson you taught me 

                                                Never trust the rose