You Don't Understand the Feeling

The house is decrepit and seemingly abandoned. I approached cautiously, with Charlie right behind me. My gun was loaded, and my finger on the trigger. My backpack weighed down on me, and my feet ached from the day’s journey. I think we had traveled about twenty miles today. I had even had to carry Charlie part of the way here. We had to get as far away as possible, but the sky was grey, and the clouds looks heavy. We couldn’t get caught in the rain. Charlie had become so skinny, and it wasn’t just because of the lack of food. We had finally reached the entrance.

           “Stay here. I’ll check for anyone inside of the house,” I tell Charlie. Charlie shifted their weight against the wall of the house and slumped down to the floor. She wasn’t doing well. On top of the literal end of the world, she was in the middle of a detox. I take a long look at Charlie, just in case.

           I set my pack down and check my weapon again. It was loaded. the safety was off. my finger was on the trigger. I ready myself against the door, then hover my hand over the doorknob. Swiftly, I open the door, get on one knee, and stabilize my arm on the other. Nothing. The doorway opened into a narrow hallway, with a door on either side, stairs opposite of me, and another door, next to the stairs. I haven’t heard any sound yet, but I still must be careful. I approach the door on the left first, repeating the same breaching procedure. Nothing. This door opened into what used to a living room. There was a torn-up sofa against the wall, and books thrown about the floor. Any sort of electronics had long been looted.

The living room opened into another room to my right. Staying low, I walked over to scan the next room. This used to be the kitchen. I move into the kitchen. The stove is black with soot, and any food was either spoiled or had been looted.

The kitchen leads to another room to the right, which was a dining room. There is a broken table that was probably once beautiful, but now lay covered in dust, and spiders making their homes on its underside. There’s broken ceramic on the floor. I’m careful not to step on any, as to not alert anyone. As I move about the room, I notice in the far-left corner of the room lies a framed photo. I pick up the photo and brush some of the dust and ash off. Pictured is a family of four, big smiles on their faces, and in an embrace that I can only hope to feel again one day. The dining room extends to the other side of the house, with a door on the right. This must lead to the hallway again. I head to the door, and open it, to have my theory confirmed. I am left with the stairs, and the door next to the stairs. I opt for the stairs first.

I crouch and try to make my footsteps as light as possible on the stairs. Creaky staircases had gotten them into trouble before. On the top of the stairs, I was met with two sides. On my right were two doors, one on the far wall, and one on the right wall, probably bedrooms. To my left were two more doors. The closer one to me is probably a bathroom, and the further one is probably another bedroom. I start with the doors on the right. The on against the wall was a typical bedroom, with a broken bed frame, torn wallpaper, and most things gone or broken beyond repair. Moving on the other door, another bedroom. A cradle sits in the middle of the room. Along the walls are what used to be bright colored wallpaper, but is now stained brown with dust, ash, and God knows what else. After a quick scan, I close the door. I don’t want to think about what happened in there.

Moving to the other side of this hallway, the first door was indeed a bathroom. Almost done. When I get to the door, I hear shuffling from the other side. My heart begins to race, and I try to steady my shaking arms. I ready myself against the door, place my hand on the handle, and then in motion, open the door. Inside is a man, quickly stuffing things into a bag. As soon as he hears the door, he reaches for his gun laying on the bed. I shoot.

Thud.

The man drops to the floor. I try to regain composure and look around the room. Nothing. Thank God there was only one person. I take a deep breath, and then remember the door next to the stairs.

I hear the tapping of rain against the windows. I need to get Charlie inside now. I rush downstairs and out the front door.

“I heard a gunshot! Are you hurt?” Charlie said as soon as she saw me.

“No. I shot him first.”

“Thank god.”

“We need to get you inside now. The rain is coming. Here, lift your arm up.” Charlie lifts her arm up and I put my body under it, forcing both of us up. Charlie winces. We begin making our way back into the house.

“I’m going to set you upstairs. Check the man I shot for supplies. I looked like he had a whole pack of stuff. I still of to check there,” I nod my head to the door next to the stairs. I could feel Charlie’s pain after each step. I miss her so much. “Here we go,” I say as I set her down carefully on the bed. “I’ll be right back. I think it’s just a basement left.”

“Please be careful. If anyone else is here, they definitely heard us.”

“You know I always am.” Charlie began rummaging through the man’s pack, and I start moving the man’s body into the other bedroom. After, I made my way back down the stairs. I slowly opened the door next to the stairs, and it was indeed a basement. The rain had really begun to pour down and made everything darker. I started down the basement stairs, which despite my precaution, creaked with every step. Please don’t let anyone be down here. I made it to the bottom of the stairs. The Basement was just one big square, with some shelves and cabinets against the walls. No one was here. I put my gun in its makeshift holster and took a deep breath. Maybe we’ll be fine for the night. I began searching the cabinets and shelves but found nothing of value. I headed back upstairs and began to barricade the front door. I went into the dining room and began moving half of the dust covered table to the front door. I shove the piece of wood under the doorknob. Hopefully, that will keep, at least for tonight.

I make my way back upstairs. Charlie has set out everything from the man's pack onto the bed. Laying on the bed was a plastic bag, and inside that plastic bag were some very familiar pills.

“Are those what I think they are?” I say, pointing at the pills.

“I think so.” Charlie has an unbreakable gaze with the bag. I move closer to her and shake her a little.

“Hey! I thought we were done with that shit!”

“I thought so too… I mean we are!”

“You can’t put me through this again,” I say as take a seat on the bed. “I need you to throw those out.”

“I will! It’s just raining right now.”

“Give them to me.” I stand up and reach my hand out. Charlie picks up the bag and stares at the little circles inside. “Charlie!” Even then, she hesitates, and then, finally, give the bag to me. I put it in my coat pocket. “Please, we have to travel even more tomorrow. Let’s just try to rest tonight.”

“Of course. I’m sorry I didn’t give it to you sooner.”

“It’s fine.” I wipe my hands across my face, with only the hope of getting some of the dirt off.

We spend the evening trying to make the room somewhat comfortable for us to sleep in. I found some old sheet in the closet and threw them across the dirty mattress. We set up some dim lights, and then rummage through our supplies for dinner.  

“Peaches and pears sound good to you?” I ask Charlie

“Sounds perfect,” she says with a smile and an ounce of sarcasm. We carve open two cans and begin eating them. Most of the sweetness of the fruits are gone, leaving only a soggy, metallic tasting mush. “Pears were always my favorite fruit. My grandma used to have a little farm just outside the city I grew up in, and she was always so proud of her pear trees. They were the biggest and juiciest pears I’d ever seen.” Charlie looks down at the pale lumps that the can said were pears. “Now I guess all we have are these.”

“I’m sure we’ll find a little farm of our own, and we can have a tree that will grow pears to rival your grandmas.” I say optimistically.

“You know that’s what I’ve always loved about you. You’re endlessly hopeful. I mean hell, look at me. You, for some reason, dragged me through miles and miles of this hellish world, and kept my alive at risk of your own life. I don’t know how you do it.”

“Well, I do it for you. We’ve overcome so much, and I don’t think there’s anyone else I’d what to spend the end of the world with.”

“Yeah, we have,” Charlie says softly.

“Well I think we should get some rest.”

I lay on the bed, and I close my eyes. Finally, some sleep.

I wake to the sun shining in my eyes. It’s still raining. I check my watch. It’s almost 7AM. I look to my side, and see Charlie isn’t there. I jump up and grab my gun. I’m thrown into alertness and call out for Charlie. No response. I always get up before her. Something is wrong. I head out of the room and shout for her again. No response. I look down the staircase and see the table is still barricading the door. I ease a little and lower my gun. I investigate the other bedroom, where the man’s body lay, but Charlie wasn’t in there. I peak into the baby’s bedroom, and still no sign of her. I make my way downstairs, and still nothing. The only place left was the basement. I start toward the basement door, and hesitate to open it. I eventually open the door, and make my way down the creaky stairs.

In the dim light coming from the crust covered windows in the basement, I see a silhouette of a person in the far corner of the room. “Charlie?” I call out again. No response. I approach the figure with a whole new level of caution. Please, please don’t let this be what I think it is. Inching closer to the figure, my eyes begin to focus, and my horror is realized. It is Charlie. Laid out against the corner of some random basement, with an empty plastic bag in her open hand. Please, please don’t let her be dead. I reach my hand out to feel her neck and am met with nothing but the cold touch her skin. My one goal in life is over, and I failed. I fall to the floor and tears burst from my eyes. “Why’d you have to do it Charlie? Why? What about our farm?” I stroke her hair. Once so beautiful.

I sit there will Charlie for… who knows how long. A life, a reason, gone. Just because of some little white circles. I stood up and went outside. I felt the rain on my skin.