Desperate Remedies

I could have chosen differently. Then maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad. Though, in typical me fashion, I just had to know the ‘other side’ of things. 

I can feel the breeze moving my hair. All I can think about is how good it feels as it curves around my cheeks and past my ears. There is a quality so graceful to the sound it makes. I just feel so…aerodynamic.

I'll be honest, my first bad decision came on the night of my best friends 20th birthday party. It was such a wild night. She'd rented out a cabin on a lake with the most breathtaking view and invited a few of her other friends that I’d never met, her boyfriend, and her sister. We got there in the early morning, so while everyone else unloaded their bags and hit the sheets, I opted to stay up for a while to enjoy the sunrise. I had been outside for about an hour before I decided to go in, and after the long and cramped drive I was expecting everyone to be knocked out by now. To my surprise, her boyfriend was on the sofa in the entertainment room. He was just sitting there staring straight through the sliding glass door. “Hey, ” I called out “where is everyone?” As if released from a trance his head jerked in my direction “Still sleeping” he said dryly. “Uh, are you okay?” He responded with a simple chuckle, and I decided to sit down and ask if he wanted to talk about it, he was hesitant but shared some of his worries. The conversation seemed to soften the way that I looked at him. “But if I’m being honest with you…if I’m being honest with myself, I don't want to be with Bria anymore.” I almost choked. “Well have you been honest with Bria?” I began to regret sitting down. “I’ve tried, but I truly care about her and I can't bring myself to hurt her. Plus it seems like the timing is always wrong.” He raised his hands as if to say even now. I sighed, feeling prematurely hurt for my friend but also feeling for him. “While now may not be the best time, you certainly don’t want to drag this out too much longer. I pat his knee and stood up to go to my room so that I could take a nap before the festivities were to take place. 

I woke up to the smell of bacon and eggs and the sound of laughter and chatter in the kitchen. I swiped my hand across the bed for my phone, so that I could check the time. It was almost one in the afternoon. I sat up and shuffled through my bag for my toothbrush and my towel. I grabbed my outfit off the bed and went straight to the bathroom. As I was entering the bathroom I could see Josh coming out of his and Bria’s room, and I thought about what he’d told me earlier. All I can hope is that he’s smart enough to wait until after we make it back safely from this trip. I truthfully didn’t see this coming, so I wasn’t even able to imagine how she’d react, but I knew I didn’t want this to ruin her birthday mood. By the time I joined everyone they had their plates in front of them and had already started to eat, with my plate on the end of the island with a plastic microwave cover over top. “Heyy, there she is!” Bria shouted out just above the music. I blushed as she started to pour a mimosa into the empty champagne glass set near the plate. I was hardly a drinker and I didn’t really indulge in drugs, but Bria believed it was the fun of parties, and had been subtly hinting to, as she put it, “turning me loose” that weekend. Lined up along the island was a variety of spirits and wine as well as the rest of the food for anyone who was craving seconds. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, Josh and Bria included. I got briefly introduced to Bria’s other friends, and returned my head to the book I'd been reading since the trip started. As the night went on we continued to drink, dance, and enjoy one another’s company. Bodies started to drop asleep, before I could even notice. By the time I did, it was again just me Josh on the couch, sitting across from a stretched out Bria. “Come on” he stumbled as he stood up and grabbed my hand and I followed. “What’s going on” I said in a laugh, barely able to keep my composure, just as we turned into my room. “I want to be with you—” he started. “You’re joking…” but then he kissed me. I pulled back, stunned…speechless. “No like- I want to be with you right now. It’s perfect, we’re drunk and you probably won’t see me after this trip. Its not like anybody will know and I just want to have a good time while I’m here.” In that moment I had a choice. I could’ve chosen morality and friendship but instead I chose to take advantage of a worthless moment. In that moment I chose to be selfish. I was so busy being self absorbed that I didn’t realize Bria and her sister had joined us until I felt the hard leg of one of the metal folding chairs against my face. The music was loud but the pain in Bria’s voice when she shouted that night seemed to leave a permanent ringing in my ears. “You dirty, conniving, disrespectful, PIECE OF TRASH! HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON? –OR LET ME GUESS IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!?” “Babe just chill it’s not what you’re thinking. Please calm down.” Josh begged, and it made me, too, want to throw a chair at him. “I DON’T CARE! GET OUT NOW!” Her voice got quieter but not any less angry as she directed it toward me, “And you, you might as well just kill yourself because you are dead to me.”

After gathering my belongings and hauling them down the driveway, Josh offered to drop me off as he was pulling out in his truck but I declined and waited for my Uber. I spent nearly $200 on that ride and I would never see any of those people again. That was the beginning of the end for me. 

As I outstretch my arms I can’t help but think about how freeing flying must feel for birds. This high up I can almost feel like one. I spread my fingers open and I can feel the wind move through my hand like a bird would it’s feathers.

It wasn’t long after that night that I began incorporating liquor, sometimes even other things, into my daily habits… and then into my nightly habits. You have to understand that I felt horrible about what I had done. How stupid could I have been? I’d managed to fall into a funk and was no longer being sensible with my money. I would often find myself using the term ‘retail therapy’ as my excuse for getting my hair done, going out, and what was soon to become an addiction to alcohol and cocaine. I suppose I figured it was just something to do, a way for me to pass the time. Truth is, the guilt started to consume me, I mean really eat me alive. I didn’t want to be me anymore, I hated myself. In these desperate attempts to escape myself I was completely unaware of how bad I was spiraling. 

Nevertheless, I was in for a rude awakening. It had been about 2 months or so since Bria’s birthday and I was trying my hardest to block that day out of my head. One night I decided to go to a bar to satisfy a certain craving. I wish I would’ve just stayed home that night. I was successfully two drinks in by the time my dealer showed up. I met him in the parking lot and got in my car to do a taste test. After a few minutes, I decided I would have one more drink before I’d head home. I opened my door, oblivious to the husky figure leaned against my rear door until I turned to close mine. Startled, I jumped, nearly smashing my finger in the door. “Excuse me! Do I know you?!” He stepped closer, hovering over me and said into a smirk, “No but we’re about to get very acquainted.” Suddenly my arms felt bolted to my sides and as I started to will myself to scream for help another set of hands harshly covered my mouth. The man in front of me opened my car door and I felt the push and pull of both men into the back seat, with one on each side of me. The third man briskly sat in the driver seat and sped out of the parking lot. The man covering my mouth was no longer using his hands to cover my mouth but instead opted to use his knees to hold my arms down. I struggled to breathe yet I could somehow feel myself hyperventilating. As I felt the stretch and pull of my tights and underwear I tried to bawl and plead, but only hardly able to catch my breath as my body was stricken with pain. ‘This must’ve been the pain Bria felt throughout her body that day. This is a pain similar to what I induced, a betrayal of disgusting sorts.’ The car abruptly came to a stop but much to my dismay, they did not. 

I cried myself to sleep that night, in the back of my car, where they left my keys, phone, and whatever still remained of me. I woke the next morning with still no clue where I was, so I put my address in my GPS, only to find myself 43 minutes away from home. I had never felt more uncomfortable and disgusted with myself than I did in that moment. Though it seemed so far, I remember the drive feeling like a blur once I’d gotten home, not quite being able to remember stopping at lights, and such. As I pulled into the parking garage of my apartment building I remember the feeling of dread that washed over me. ‘How could I go back to my life? How would I go on?’ I dragged my aching body out of the car, onto the elevator, and pushed twelve. I leaned my head forward against the cold metal, waiting for the doors to close, and yet another stream of tears were set in motion. Upon arriving, I wanted nothing more than to clean myself. I rid myself of the shreds of clothes hanging from my body and slid into the shower. The water seemed to pelt my backside as I used my washcloth to scrub my body free of everything that was wrong with it. I figured a long shower would make me feel better but afterwards I still felt dirty. The only thing I wanted to be, at that point, was in my bed. I didn’t bother plugging my phone in to charge, I just crawled into bed and cried myself back to sleep. By the time I awoke it was no longer daylight. I sat up in my bed and waited a few minutes for my phone to power on once I’d plugged it in. I ignored the missed calls from my job, unknowing of an excuse that would give me the time I thought I’d need to recover. There was only one person I thought of…Bria. I wanted to call and tell her how truly sorry I was. I wanted to beg for another chance at our friendship. I wanted to vent to her about what I’d gone through. I couldn’t help asking myself, ‘Would she answer a phone call from me? Would she even care?’ I think now, what a selfish thought, after all that time I’d been doing everything that I could to avoid facing what actually happened… what I did. She owed me nothing. Everything that happened to me was my own doing. I put down my phone, picked up my book, and set out to the balcony. An alternate reality would’ve been the perfect alternative. Sadly, there is no such thing. 

It had been weeks since the incident and my funk quickly turned to a full blown depression. My job had been pretty understanding about my “out-of-state family emergency” until about the third week, when they were forced to let me go due to the lack of communication on my circumstances. In a place that no longer felt like home, I dwindled away. I lost the courage to leave, for any reason. My cravings as well as my appetite were non-existent. Instead, I would take blades and scissors to my skin, a habit I thought I’d outgrown many years before. In my solitude, I had plenty of time to think of all the choices I had made that led me to that point. I think of how I could've chosen to stay home that night. I also think of how I could have reacted to my situation in comparison to how I did react. I finally realize how weak of a person I truly am. 

With a slow deep, inhale I puff out my chest. I can’t help but think of how each and every day we're all faced with choices. Where some find chaos, others may find comfort. Where some may find courage, others will cower. You can choose to prosper or you can choose to perish. Me…? I chose to fly.