Hello-Goodbye-Hello

Whispers tickled Quinn’s ears as she turned the page of her magazine. The buzz of voices grew louder than the hiss of the café’s steam wands.

“I can’t believe it’s him.”

“He’s so much taller in person.”

“Should I go ask for a picture?”

Quinn’s curiosity won out as the whispering around her reached a fever pitch. As she looked up, her normally icy cool palms turned tacky with heat as she spotted the source of energy radiating through the café. Her palms prickled as they stuck to the glossy magazine pages. She feared if she lifted her hands the sound of pages tearing would bring his attention straight to her.

At one point in time, she had flourished under his attention. A flower unfurling and growing towards its heat source. He was her sun, and even after eight years he still had the power to shine that warmth over those around him. She remembered the first time she had seen him running towards her after a wildly thrown Frisbee. He looked golden, and she felt as if she should look away or get burned, but she hadn’t been able to then, and she wasn’t able to now.

Quinn tucked herself tighter into her chair as she watched people trying to get a picture of the soccer star in their midst. A young girl finally stutter-stepped her way towards him breaking the spell his presence had cast over the café. Quinn could tell that he must have smiled at the girl just from the confidence that entered her stride as she approached him. Quinn had quickly learned how his smile could melt away any hesitation or doubt a person had.

“Collin Thompson! Here! Can you believe it?” Some girls whispered as they sat down in the seats next to Quinn.

Collin. Just his name conjured up a thousand different memories that left Quinn feeling off balance. She should stop staring at him if she didn’t want him to notice her. She had thought about him countless times over the years. She had even toyed with the idea of getting in touch with him, but she could never bring herself to take that step. He had been the bold one in their short-lived romance, making the first moves between them, until the night Quinn had moved first.

….

I walked into the crowded house. It felt overheated with the crush of bodies contained within its’ walls. The bass line drove into me as the scent of cheap perfume and cologne assaulted my nose. I didn’t understand why anyone would willingly subject themselves to this atmosphere, but I wanted to surprise Collin. He had asked me so many times, over the last five months, to go with him to parties that his friends were having, but I always chickened out, and he’d go alone.

           I steeled the nerves and anxiety that were racing through me as best I could and pushed my way through the mass of people. Trying not to worry about whether or not they were looking at me or wondering who I was.

           “Quinn! What are you doing here?” I turned to see Greg, one of Collin’s teammates, emerge from the crowd.

           I leaned close to be heard over the noise. “I’m surprising Collin. Do you know where he is?”

           “He’ll definitely be surprised. He’s in the kitchen. Just keep walking towards the back of the house,” Greg said before being pulled into the crowd by someone.

           Worry clouded my thoughts as I wondered if this was such a good idea. What was I going to find when I entered the kitchen? I heard him before I even made it through the doorway. His voice was loud and filled with laughter.

           I hung back peeking around the corner. He was in the middle of a crowd of his soccer buddies and girls I had never met. I watched as they cheered him on in some sort of game they were playing. He looked energized surrounded by all those people chanting his name.

           I stepped back away from the kitchen. Who was I kidding? I didn’t belong here. Just the thought of walking into that room and having everyone turn to look at me as I walked over to him caused my body to freeze up. I didn’t want all those eyes on me. I didn’t want people sizing me up wondering why he had chosen to be with me over all the girls he could be with.

           I pushed my way out of the house and took a deep breath of fresh spring air. It smelled good outside. Clean. Free. I don’t know what I was thinking trying to go to that party, trying to date someone like Collin. He belonged to a world that I could never be a part of.

           “Quinn! Wait!” His voice chased me down the street as I walked away from the pulsating music. I turned to see him running towards me. “Greg said you were here. Why’d do you leave without finding me?”

           I looked up at him. He was smiling, so proud he had finally gotten me to come to a party. “Because I couldn’t be there. I didn’t want to be there. It felt wrong. Claustrophobic.”

           He reached for me pulling me into his body. I took a deep breath pulling in his citrus scent. “That’s okay. We can go hang out back. There are fewer people out there.”

           He sounded so hopeful that he was starting to get me out of my shell, but I knew it was a mistake coming tonight. “No, you go back. I just want to go home. It’s fine.”

           “Hey, don’t be like that. What’s the matter? You came tonight.”

           I pushed away from him. “Please Collin. I can’t do this right now.”

           “Do what?” I heard threads of concern in his voice. “What’s the matter?”

           “This is what’s the matter,” I said, waving my hands between us. “I don’t want to be at parties. I don’t want to be the center of attention. It’s not me. I want to be left alone.”            

I wrapped my arms around my waist and looked away from him. Seeing the confusion and hurt on his face made me wish even harder that I hadn’t come tonight. Tonight, only crystallized all the doubts and worries I had been having about us.

“I never pressured you to be anything you weren’t. I never pressured you to do anything that would make you feel uncomfortable.” He reached for me again, but I took a step back. I couldn’t have him touch me. Not for what I was about to do.

           “I know. I came here tonight because I wanted to be a part of your world. I didn’t want to be separate from this part of your life, but walking into that party I realized I am, and I always will be.”

           “I don’t care about that,” Collin said, waving his hand back towards the house.  “The parties, the people. None of it matters. I love you.”

           I shook my head. “It’s not enough Collin.”

           “What do you mean? I’ve told you before you’re not alone anymore. I meant that. We’re in this together. How is that not enough?”

           “Because it isn’t. I feel… I feel…caught in something I don’t know how to navigate.”

           “Let me help you. Don’t push me away.”

           “No, I can’t rely on you to fix me. I love you, but this isn’t fair to you. You have such a bright future ahead of you. You’re going to be a star. Everyone is going to know who you are. We’re not going work out in the real world. Not where you’re going.”

           “Says who? I don’t care about everyone else. I only care about you.”

           “I know, but I can’t do this. Don’t you get it? I don’t know how to be a part of your world.”

           “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about this needs to be over. There’s no point in dragging out something that is going to end anyways. The longer we pretend we have some sort of future the worse it’s going to be. For both of us.”

           “Who are you to make this decision about us?”

           “I know me. I know what I’m capable of giving and being and it’s not enough. Not for you. This has to be goodbye.”

….

           “Quinn?” Collin’s deep voice pulled her from the memory of that long ago night. His long strides ate up the distance between them.

           “Collin, what’s taking so long? We have to go.” A woman called from the doorway.

           Quinn’s mind raced with questions. Was that his girlfriend? Fiancée? Wife? He looked back at Quinn like all it would take for him to sit down was one word from her, but Quinn’s jaw felt locked.

           As he turned to leave, Quinn lunged out of her seat grabbing his hand. It was warm like the sun against her clammy fingers. He turned locking his eyes on hers. “Meet me at our bench. Tonight. At seven,” she rasped.

           He gave a slight nod as he slipped out of Quinn’s grasp. She pressed her hands together trying to imprint his warmth into her as she watched him leave. He looked back at her through the window and smiled as he caught her watching him.