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First, take flour, water, and 10 eggs and whisk them together in a bowl.   If you need a mechanical whisk, please contact us.   Whisk it with all the anger in your heart.   Remember all the work you’re doing for a fucking meal that’ll last about 1 hour.   That’s it.   You’ll get to the goddamn rolling pin later.   So, make the bowl in the middle using enough flour.  You know, if you don’t use flour, butter, and spam, it’ll stick to the pan like your husband’s ass is stuck on the recliner in front of the box TV.  Remember last time you had to call the fucking fire department to get his ass . . .   Oh, yea.   You just want the goddamn recipe.   So, you start kneading the dough.   Remember, dough rises, unlike your husband’s amount of dough, this dough rises, so you gotta keep beating it down, like that moron beats his meat.   Ok, ok, stick to the goddamn recipe.  

     Just tell me, how many times a week does that bastard cook?   Zero, right?   He orders in food sometimes.  Yeah, and pays for it from the money from your job.  Bastard.   Right, the recipe.  

       You gotta preheat the oven to a thousand degrees.   What?   It only goes up to 500.   It’s gonna take twice as long that way.   There any commercial ovens available around there?   Right, the recipe.   Stick to the recipe.  

     You sure you don’t want to buy cauliflower bread?   I mean you and him are the size of . . .   Ok.   Stick to the recipe.   Most ovens go beep when they reach the right temperature.   So, listen for that beep.   Now, push down on the dough over and over, like he . . . Ok, stick to the recipe.  Wait ‘til it feels like play dough.   Then, braid it like you braid that bastard’s hair.   Why don’t he get a haircut and look nice?  You were the one who asked for this recipe.  Ok.  Ok.  I’m just saying.   He should cook for you sometimes.  How come he fat if he can’t cook?  

     Look, you want, I could come over there and cook.   Cook enough food for all three of us and we could talk about prospects of employment.  You keep saying that but he isn’t bringing home no bacon.   You are.   And you be doing double shift.  It only get worse when you have a baby later.  Yea, I know there ain’t no baby yet.   But, you’ll see.  One day you come crying to me and say you expecting and what you gonna do with this no good nobody.  He ain’t doing no laundry, you be getting up at 4 am to change dirty diaper and feed the baby every 2 to 3 hours and what he be doing?  Sitting on his fat ass watching football.   You’ll see.   And using what money you got on beer.  No good nobody.   Why for you no let me look for good, fit, wealthy husband?   You don’t think you deserve that?  Well you do.   You see.  Young, handsome men be all around you once you lose this bum.  

    The oven went beep.  Ok.  You braided the dough, no.   Ok, braid the dough in three pieces like your hair.   Then, put cooking sheets on the oven pan, put sesame seeds on the bread, and set a timer for twenty minutes.   This’ll be the only bun in the oven this bozo ever gonna see.  

        You don’t want no more guilt trips.  You just want a fucking recipe.   Now, is that any way to talk to your mama.   When I was young, we learned to talk to each other with respect.   Yeah, well those were the words we used back then.   That was the culture back then.    Well look sometimes those were the right words to use.   Sometimes people do nigger rig it fix.   No, that’s not how I’m telling you to make the challah for Shabbat.   Who cares?   Every day is Shabbat to that goy.   Why do I bother?   You got oven mitts, right?   Ok.  Put them on and check when the timer go off.  You know how to check if they be done, right ?   Put a toothpick in and see if any dough sticks to it?  If it does, it ain’t done.   It if don’t, it be done.   What you gonna do while you wait for it to cook?   Maybe have that goy boyfriend could go fill out some job applications at McDonald’s or Walmart?   Or you could dance with him.   Be sure he don’t step on your toes, else you never walk no more.   

     The timer go beep yet?    Well, we can talk then.   I know. What you want to talk about then?   Anything but him.   Ok, let’s talk about TV shows.   What TV you watch?   You don’t watch no TV shows.  What you do, help him get up the stairs or . . . Ok.  It went beep.  You got the gloves on, right?   Put the phone on speaker and test the bread with the toothpick.   It stick?   Good.  Now, it’ll need time to cool down.   Put it on the windowsill, open the window and let it cool.  Unless, it ain’t raining, is it?   Good.  Now, use cleaner to wash the table, put aluminum foil down.   So if the candle falls, it won’t burn the whole place down.  

    Put out the keepot.   You know, the thing that’ll cover that big bald spot?   Different colors.  Put those on the table and the cloths to cover the women’s heads.  You know, so you can wave your hands, cover your face, and say the Hebrew.  Say the Hebrew before the wine and the bread.   No, it’s not what that moron would call the host.  No, regular challah and Jewish wine.     He’ll learn.   Why you want . . . Ok.  Set up the wine, the plates, the silverware, napkins, etc.  

    Then, get that fat bastard to wash up before the Shabbat.   If he even knows how to wash up.   Ok, you want me to go then?   I do love you and that’s why I think you’d be happier if you met a nice Jewish girl.  

     Fine, I’ll go.  Tell me, though.  How come you never come and visit?   Hell, bring that moron your dating.   No, why not?   Hell, I could introduce you to some other guys . . .   Have I ever objected to any other guys you dating?  

     Fine, you know.  I just don’t understand why you’d want this bum?   I know people who you’d like.  Maybe make new friends or . . . You ain’t hearing nothing I be saying.   You did make the bread right.   I hope.  Ok.  No more guilt trips.   But, how else can a momma put sense into her daughter?   Oy.  Shabbat Shalom.   Shalom as in peace and goodbye.   But how can I have peace when . . .   Ok, sweetheart.  Ok.   But what would your father say?  I know.  I know.  Oy. I know.