Last Roll of the Dice

New Year’s Resolutions - 2024

#1 - Quit drinking

Why: This is the root of a lot of these problems, it can all be traced back to the booze. Money problems come from spending too much in the pub. Health problems come from all the extra calories from all the beers, the junk food when I’m drunk, and the effects of the alcohol itself. Not to mention that Courtney never liked how I acted when I was drunk.

How: Maybe go to some meetings with Paul, he’s 6 years sober. Find other activities or hobbies to keep myself busy. Watch the football at home instead of at the pub.

#2 – Lose 10kg

Why: To look better and feel better. To be able to play with Jason without getting out of breath when I see him on the weekends. To be able to join in with the parents’ events at Sports Day, if I’m invited this year. To be able to live long enough to see him grow up and have kids of his own.

How: Start playing 5-a-side again (avoid the after-game socials though). Clean up the diet, no more snacks, no more junk food, and NO MORE alcohol. Maybe try jogging.

#3 - Buy new clothes

Why: You feel good when you look good. I need to start changing how I feel about myself before I can change how anybody else feels about me. If I can buy some new clothes, maybe spend some of the money I’ll save from staying off the booze, it could help me feel like this is a fresh start.

How: Save money that would get spent in the pub each weekend. Buy clothes a size smaller than current size to motivate myself to lose weight.

#4 - Pay for dog training classes for Sally

Why: To prevent the chances of any more incidents. Courtney is right, having a rescue pitbull around kids might not be safe, it might be Jason she bites next time.

How: Take her to that Doggy Day Care place that Courtney mentioned, ask about the training sessions and prices. Sign her up for the behaviour classes in the new year.

#5 – Pick up extra shifts in work

Why: It’ll keep me busy and fill the void that not boozing will create, especially the evening and weekend shifts that I usually turn down. Plus it’ll get me the extra cash that I need for a lot of these ideas, writing it all out makes me realize how much cash I need to turn things around.

How: Talk to Martin and tell him that you’re saving for a house and will take any extra shifts. It might even make him put a bit of trust in me, being a stable family man and all that.

#6 – Try to get team leader position

Why: Some of the team leaders have been there half as long as me but have got promoted just by picking up extra shifts and showing that they’re willing to work hard. It comes with a little pay bump as well, only about £1.50 an hour but anything helps at this point.

How: If Martin sees me putting in hard graft this year and changing my attitude, I reckon he’ll give me a team leader position. If he doesn’t notice after a few months, I’ll be direct and ask him.

#7 – Switch from smoking to vaping

Why: Quitting the cigs and the booze at the same time might be a bit too much, so maybe I can just switch to vaping instead. Get one with shitloads of nicotine in there to ease the transition. Not ideal but it’s a start, and not smoking help with the fitness I suppose.

How: Ask some of the younger lads at work about good brands and find one that I like. Buy a bunch of them to commit to the habit. Flush all remaining cigs. Maybe sell them if possible.

#8 – Start anger management

Why: I need to control the temper, it’s caused too many problems at work and at home. I don’t like the way I act when I’m angry and clearly neither does anybody else. Even though the problems mainly occur when drinking, the anger is still in there somewhere. I need to get that under control, or it’ll find a way out eventually.

How: Talk to the GP, maybe they have therapy for this kind of stuff. If not, then talk to the AA people with Paul and see if they do other meetings. I know they do Narcotics Anonymous, so why not Anger Anonymous? Is that a thing? It should be. Maybe I could start my own meet up full of other aggressive pricks. Sounds like a barrel of laughs.

#9 – Find a new house

Why: Courtney had a point when she said she doesn’t want Jason coming here, it’s no fit place for a kid. A shit flat in a rough neighbourhood. I need to move out ASAP. Somewhere a bit brighter and more welcoming, especially if I want more visits from Jason and, eventually, maybe even Courtney too. Somewhere with a garden and some space.

How: Start looking at listings in January, go the all the estate agents on the high street and ask around. Start saving for a deposit because the deposit on this place isn’t likely to come back.

#10 – Ask Courtney to take me back

Why: I miss her. I miss what we had and how things were when we first got together. I know you can’t go back. Things will have to be different this time, but that’s ok. I just think that we had something special and that I threw it away with the drinking and the way I treated her. If she could just give me one more chance, then I know that it could be different this time. Different to how it was at the end anyway, that wasn’t a good way to leave things.

How: If I can show her that I look different, that I’m acting different, then maybe I can convince her that things will be different between us. Build good habits for the next 6 months and then in the summer try and talk to her. She’ll see that I’ve changed and that might be enough to convince her to try one more time.

Plan A – If she says yes

#1 Date nights with Courtney

Why: She’s right that we didn’t really do much couple’s stuff for the last year or so. What’s the point of a relationship if you just exist around each other? You need to have fun and do things together.

How: Try to have a date night once a fortnight. A proper date, not just the pub quiz like we used to do when we first met. A local restaurant, or the cinema. I could even buy her flowers. I’m not sure what kind she likes though.

#2 Pick up a hobby that I can do with Jason and Courtney

Why: Spend time together on the weekends doing something active, like a proper family. It’ll show Courtney that I’m taking things seriously but it’s also an opportunity to spend quality time with Jason.

How: I could try climbing, I think Jason has been doing that this past year. Courtney mentioned that she takes him to classes sometimes. I also need to lose weight, dragging 102kg up a climbing wall won’t be easy.

#3 Reconnect with old friends

Why: I don’t know if I have any friends anymore, just a few reliable drinking buddies. They aren’t real friendships though; we’ll see how many of them stick around once I’m off the booze.

How: Make some phone calls and see if there are any bridges that I haven’t completely burned in the past 6 or 7 years. See if the old 5-a-side team still play down the Athletic Club every Wednesday.

#4 Retrain

Why: Courtney is right, I’ll never get ahead at work without going back into education. There’s a glass ceiling that I’m not likely to break through without more than a few GCSEs.

How: Check out college courses that run evenings and weekends. Find something that fits in around work and is designed for adult learners.

#5 Have mum come to visit

Why: It’s about time I invited her to stay again. If I’ve got a new place and I’m living like a proper family man, then it won’t be so embarrassing this time. She’ll have less to criticize, although I’m sure she’ll find something.

How: I could host Christmas next year at the new house. Courtney will have to cook but I can help with some bits and pieces. That would be nice, having the whole family around the table. Me, Courtney, Jason and mum, spending the holidays together.

Plan B - If she says no.

#1 – Find a good home for Sally

Why: She’s been my only companion through a lot of this and she deserves to be taken care of and loved. She’s a bit misunderstood, but I sympathize. She’ll need someone who’s understanding and patient; someone who can look after her and won’t get wound up by her little ticks.

How: The Doggy Day Care have a forum, I could post about her on there and see if anybody will take in a rescue pitbull. I’ll have to tell them about her history as a rescue dog, hopefully somebody will take pity on her.

#2 – Set up a savings account for Jason

Why: He’ll need all the help he can get growing up, so putting some money into savings should help him. He’s only young so the interest over the next 10 years or so will leave him with a nice little nest egg to get him started in adulthood.

How: Consolidate my own accounts, sell anything worthwhile, put all the money into one account to make things easier for them. It won’t be much, but it’ll be a start.

#3 – Write a letter explaining everything

Why: Mum deserves to know why I’m doing this, even if she won’t understand. Jason needs to know that I did all that I could for him, but he’s probably better off without a role model like me in his life anyway.

How: Write the letter and then leave it for a week or two. Go back and check, see if this is really what I want to do. If I’m still thinking the same after giving it time, then go through with it.

#4 – Research the most painless way to do it

Why: No point making a big song and dance out of the whole thing. Just get it over with, no need to make a statement. It’s the least I can do after all the problems I’ve caused.

How: Do some research online but take measures to not end up on a list somewhere. Maybe use a public computer, the library or an internet café or something.

#5 – Time it so that Jason and Courtney are out of town

Why: They’ve suffered enough as it is thanks to me. Exiting their lives in the quietest way possible seems like it would be best for everyone, if things don’t work out after one more try. They’ll be upset at first, but in the long term, even though they won’t admit it, they’ll both be better off.

How: Do it when they’re out of town visiting her parents. That way they’ll be around people who can support them when they find out what I’ve done. Try to wait for the school holidays, not Christmas, but maybe a half term. Post a letter to the neighbours explaining what has happened and asking them to contact the police. Everything will take care of itself from there. Leave a key outside so they don’t have to break down the door.

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