Echoes of past sins

"Do you regret anything at all about your life, Ms Rutherford?"

The question took me by surprise. This interviewer had been different from all the others I had encountered before, she had wanted details of raids and rescue missions I had been part of, and had seemed genuinely interested in everything I had to share. Now, I viewed her with more skepticism.

“What do you mean, Miss Lawrence?”

“I mean, is there anything at all that you wish you had not done, or been part of, or inflicted upon…” her voice trailed off as I gave her a withering stare.

“Well, of course I regret things! Who doesn’t?”

My mind instantly took me back to a time that I simply didn’t want to go back to, I could hear the screams and I could even smell the blood in the air. I shook my head vigorously to rid myself of the memory. I could not go down that road now. Not now, not ever.

My young interviewer looked hurt, and disappointed, and I instantly regretted my outburst.

“Please forgive me, Miss Lawrence, I did not mean to be so brusque. Of course I have regrets. Let me just cast my mind back for a little bit, and see what I can find. Why don’t you go and make us a cup of tea in the meantime?” I hoped I sounded nicer this time. It would appear as though I did, because the young woman nodded happily and left the room to make the tea.

And, as if it had waited for this very moment, my memory rushed back with gleeful vengeance. I could feel my hands gripping the armrests of my chair as the pain flooded my whole being and sucked me into old memories I had so wished never to remember.

”Don’t leave me here Alex, I am so scared!” My friend’s face was contorted in pain and fear. I could tell that both her legs were broken, and the bloodsoaked mud she was laying in seemed to be slowly consuming her.

“Ellen, I’m so sorry but I can’t get you where you are, I’ll sink into the mud as well, and then we will never be rescued! I have to go and find help. It’s the only way!”

I still remember her anguished screams mingled with heart wrenching sobs as I turned and left her there. I had to find some help. I just had to.

I keep telling myself this as I listen to the ghostly screams in my head. I don’t know what else I could have done. I wish I had done something different, but I don’t know what that would have been.

“Here we go, I brought milk and sugar in case you want them.” Miss Lawrence’s chipper voice brought me rapidly back to the now. I looked up, confused. I had already forgotten she was here.

“Thank you dear.” I managed to squeal. She looked surprised.

“Are you okay, Ms Rutherford? You look pale, and you seem sweaty?”

“Oh, it’s nothing dear. I get blood pressure drops every now and then. I’m fine.”

Miss Lawrence’s skeptical eyes followed my shaking hand as I reached for the tea. The cup slipped a little in my hand and I tightened my grip.

“Now, where were we? Oh yes. I was going to tell you about something I regret. Let’s see now. Well, I suppose I regret never having married. I should probably at least have TRIED to find a man to make miserable.” I tried a laugh at this, and Miss Lawrence smiled bleakly.

“What else? Well, I think I regret never traveling to China, like I always wanted. But I have been to so many other places, I suppose that would make up for it. Don’t you think, Miss Lawrence?

“We’re very sorry Ms. Rutherford, we were too late..”

I stood up abruptly.

“I’m sorry Miss Lawrence, did you have any other questions?”

She sensed that the interview was over and declined politely. Taking a last swig of the tea she had barely begun to sip, she stood up as well. The cup cluttered as she almost dropped it on its saucer.

“Thank you so much for your time, Ms. Rutherford. I will send you a draft of my write-up within the next few days for you to give your okay to the publishing of your interview. Will that be okay?” She barely met my gaze now.

I stared blankly at her until I realized what she had been saying.

“Of course, Miss Lawrence. That will be fine. Thank you for coming out. This way, now.” I put my arm out in the direction of the door, and followed behind as we made our way there.

“Drive carefully now, dear. I wouldn’t want an accident on my conscience.” I had barely finished uttering the words when I realized how inappropriate they were. She looked taken aback, but found her composure quickly enough.

“Thanks again, Ms. Rutherford. Goodbye.” She hurried down the steps to the pathway, almost tripping over her own feet. I couldn’t blame her for wanting to get going as fast as possible. I had not been fun to be around.

“We found Miss Ellen’s body mostly buried in the mud. There were many tracks around her…”

I shook my head furiously. I did not WANT to remember!! This was far too painful; I had to get away from it. Walking back to my living room I started humming frantically, to try and divert my thoughts.

“The tracks were from bears, we think. I’m sorry Ms. Rutherford, but the animals went hard against Miss Trumpton. They didn’t leave much for us to identify. But we would like you to try, so that we can get closure on this.”

I had not expected to feel such despair, such panic as my mind insisted on continuing with this awful part of my past. I sat down in my chair again, my hands clasped in my lap and allowed it all to happen. Get it over with, and perhaps I could have some peace.

“Right over here, Ms. Rutherford, this is where we found her.”

How odd, that was not at all the place where I had left Ellen, crying and wailing for me to come back. This was at least 2 miles from where I had left her. How did she end up here? My gaze skirted over the mudpuddle and I saw a shoe attached to what I assumed was a foot and a leg. But the shoe did not look familiar. I tried to open my mouth to speak, but no sound came out. I looked at the rest of what remained of the body and nothing could have prepared me for discovering that it had no head, just a messy, bloody mush of skin, flesh, and bone sticking out, covered in mud. I fainted.

The fact that I fainted was the clue the rescue team were looking for to determine that this was indeed Ellen. I wanted to protest, but by the time I had come to, and regained my composure, the remains had been removed, placed in a body bag and transported away.

As I sat on the ground, supported by a sturdy older gentleman, I strained my eyes to look into the darkness, trying desperately to listen for any sound that would alert us to Ellen’s whereabouts. Of course, the place where I had left her was far too far away for either sight or sound and now night was closing in and the rescuers wanted to leave. A search for Ellen’s head during the following days turned up nothing, and it was assumed that the bears had eaten it and buried it.

I gasped and collapsed in a heap. There. I had processed the memories, those awful, horrid memories. Hopefully now, I would be able to leave that part of my past behind, and try to bury my guilt deep down in my subconscious.

Ellen had been found a couple of years later. It was a hiker and his dog who made the gruesome discovery. A skeleton, with deep teeth marks all over, that through DNA testing was determined to be Ellen’s. They came around to question me, of course, but my father – who was still alive at that time – forbade them to speak to me. It would be too traumatizing, he said. She was still very upset about the death of her friend, he said.

I think he knew. I regret that.