Memento Mori; Memento Vivere

I remember everything. Everything I once had. Everything that used to be.

I wanted so much more out of life. But I have found myself without wanting. Wanting only for one thing. The one thing that I know.

I wasted my time seeing you. Not that you were not worthy to be seen, but I only saw what I wanted to see. I saw nothing more than your face reflected in my eyes. I didn’t see beyond the visible. I never saw what needed to be seen. I never saw you.

I have longed for being and meaning. I have longed so long to be. I never was with you. I never sought your being. I never sense your longing. I never felt your feeling for me. I never was.

What was once a picture-perfect peace has now translated into a destructible decay. I never knew that I would come to this, but here I am, at the edge of the universe, knowing now what I did not know then. I never truly loved you. For if I did, I would not be feeling this way. I never would be facing my own miserable mortality. I wanted nothing more than to feel alive artificially, but in doing so, I have been left dying a slow demented death.

I feel abandoned; alone. Helpless to the situation I have found myself in, much to my displeasure. I know there is no one else to hold responsible for my predicament. I, alone, am the culprit.

I have now realized that in my sole attempt at saving and postponing my own morality that I have forgotten how to live. I forgotten to love. I never remembered to live life as it is. To accept life as it is. To embrace life as it is. I never did, and now I face the dreaded fear that has haunted me all this time. I hindered my life with this immense fear. I was so afraid.

I do not know what to do. There is no foreseeable future that I see. This is where I may appear no more. I do not have what it takes to continue on. I have failed. I have failed in living, and in deeply loving. I have failed, and for that, continued to fail out of fear. Fear paralyzed my life, rendering me incapacitated to live. I lived with half a heart and half a life. I lived only to survive, and what a meaningless motion to live on. Instead, I should have learned that to live is not only to live, but to thrive; to feel alive in ways that awaken the soul. To feel the waves of life and love surround you and the tender heart. To know that life is but a spark, but what a beautiful spark it is. It is but a grand moment in the great sands of time, and those grains of sand are the most valuable things anyone could ever hold. For they hold the truth of all things, which all things exist in a plane of self-sacredness. We make the world sacred; we make ourselves sacred. We make all things holy and righteous. We found ourselves of dust and ash, but we made ourselves astonishing and wonderous beings. Why focus on becoming dust again? Why not continue to mold the dust into a new and beautiful era? We grew into a foundation that was placed before us green grass and blue skies that were once not visible to anyone else. We were glorious creatures. We were once revered as the pinnacle of creation. We were the great beings of our time. We have lost that way.

I do not mean to diminish our time here on Earth, but I would rather point out that we are magnificent beings that have drowned ourselves in fighting to survive. The very act of fighting has made us drown. We fear the fear that we feed. We fight for our lives but never know how to live. We no longer live. We only strive to live, but never live. We are sad.

No creature I know lives like we do. We insist on letting fear and sadness dictate our lives until it consumes us fully, and we feel there is no way out. What is this fear? What is this sadness? It is a rejection of the soul. We seek not to acknowledge the soul, but to yearn only for what the body and mind need. We do not know that we are being taken care of, but we fear out of impatience, not out of poverty. Life is not about the quantity of things, but the quality. Valued is a life that is filled with value. No value is found with a life with emptiness and a void that continues on and on. For I have found meaning in seeking. The meaning of life comes to them. It is then that they learn to love. They learn how to fully feel. They know. They live. They remember.

This letter to you, my friends, is a reminder to love. It is not enough to just live. Life comes and goes at a moment’s notice with nothing left behind. But love lasts a lifetime and beyond. Love is the harness of the energy of the cosmos. Love goes beyond the limitations of life and needs. Love is beyond all. It is not enough to live. We must love, because love requires all. Love requires all of existence. All that was, is, and ever will be. It requires all to exist as one. Love is the purest force that only the few have selected to be a part of their lives forever. The nature of greed and hatred has replaced the notion of love. There is no room for such things. Love is the breath that you breathe in and out. It is the fabric and particles in the air that make up all. It is the joy you have at your greatest moment, and the pain that you bear at your weakest.

I do not know what will happen to me, my friends. But I do know that I finally feel what is upmost important in my life, and that is love. And wherever I end up going, I know I will be forever blessed. And may your hearts forever love until then.

Peace be with you all.