Stardom; Beyond the Veil

For the love and life of me, I do not seem to remember my what or my whys and it appears on the surface I have no real mentionable or mental awareness of any amiable reason, why I should. Nor do I have any recollection of responsibility and need to atone for my attitudinal conclaves and responses other than holding a grudge as I stomp down the hallowed halls of righteousness and into the den of darkness, unforgiveness and obscurity without a second thought or backward glance and recognition of sullenness.

That was then and this is now, has anything changed? Have I changed? Am I still as righteous as I once was? Have I softened a tad or am I as rigid as ever? Am I swaying towards judgement or discernment and is there a difference? Are my expectations vetted or etched in stone waiting diligently in the background for the right circumstances before launching into the stratosphere and intentionally exploding in a manner I cannot ignore?

Hard to create a test run, mostly I’ve found I’ve had to wait until expectations, hurt, anger and fear I didn’t know or couldn’t remember I had, find the perfect moment in which to trigger a reaction and unleash an inner flood or fire storm of unbridled emotion, barely contained at times to keeping my mouth shut, illuminating a blotched and swollen red faced response or turning away until some modicum of civility and cohesiveness could be partially or practically redeemed in the face of adversity, confrontation or vulnerability.

Let me say, I’ve never been a willing participant, it’s been more like a deer in headlights, caught somewhere between fight, flight and freeze and a passive aggressive stealth bomber like approach and mission, where executing a neatly veiled attack and quick exit was the preferred maneuver before any sharp words had time to hit its target and any retaliatory attack could be prepared and launched. Never a proud moment, however feeling righteously smug at times, definitely! Or the moments in which an avalanche of buried grief unleashed and gained momentum as tears turned into torrents streaming down my face and where shares in Kleenex would have been advantageous yet had become a valuable thought in hindsight instead.

Trying to navigate and find a bridge needed to access wisdom and existence to the higher road of compassion and mercy for oneself, let alone for anyone or anything, holding the match that lit the fuse in the first place is impossible. When in the raw emotion of inner conflict, it is akin to fighting knee-deep in quicksand firing a barrage of blame bullets in any direction whilst scrambling for self-protection, dodging shame and looking for a way out. The bigger the reaction the more entrenched I have found I have become, and a place where balance, harmony, and peace retreats, at a rapid pace and it’s not until I stop grappling with the circumstances, can I at least begin to find a direction.

In that moment, within the explosiveness of reaction, rejection, anger, fear and difference, a bridge does not exist, it cannot. It’s not until emotions start to settle; can I begin to find the stability of solid ground and somewhat soulful expression of gratitude having been re-introduced to a hidden inner landscape of ransacked bunkers, clunkers and worn-out grenades, stockpiled neatly amongst long forgotten yet firmly held expectations and beliefs and, where grudges have built barricades and righteousness created turrets. Darn, I am going to have to suit up and clean up this biohazard mess before it launches an all-out attack on any future positivity, self-worth, probabilities, and love. Why? Because it is all vibration and vibration is my best asset when understood in the terms of Law of Attraction. In other words, what I give out is what I will get back at a future point when the circumstances align for my understanding and higher learning.

It is here I ask myself, “Who is running this show”?

Is it stuck pride not wanting to be wrong? Is it ego not wanting to let go of control? Is it the lower and learning soul trying to instill a version of boundaries for self-protection from being hurt? Is it my inner critic who wants to cast aspersion due to the belief it is my way or the highway and why aren’t people more kind in their approach rather than acceptance of what is? Is it my inner child needing one of her nine inner needs met and I am ignoring her instead? Is it my inner adult who does not like my inner child and will do anything to shut her down as adulting is more important than fun? Or is it my higher soul who wants the lower soul to learn the virtue of right action, right speech and right timing, showing me where love has been extracted and where I’ve made myself right or wrong in the past, having no context, middle ground, compassion or mercy for myself or others amongst it all in the past?

The truth is, it all can be anyone of the above at any one time, after all it is still all me. The good news is it can all be looked at, changed and healed with practice, patience, tolerance, compassion, self-worth, forgiveness, done mostly with love, creating peace, prosperity, alignment, unity, and oneness within. A new inner framework built from virtue and willingness. Of being mindful of my own thoughts and an acknowledgement of where it is I leak and give my energy unnecessarily to others and prompting myself to call back my energy from the inner habits of reaction, distraction and blame with wisdom, strength, and love.

It is where the rubber truly hits the road and where I can have the greatest impact on my own life and transform relationships into more love than ever before. It can be testing to stretch into love when it is easier to retreat into my old patterns and comfortable choice of fear. It’s the muscle lifting of habits, patterns, thoughts, beliefs into a higher realm of love that will serve me and my life best, grow my soul, connect with the divine and let in more light to serve humanity with grace, and pave the path with change. Is it easy no, is it worth it; yes, building physical muscle and strength is not either. Am I willing to believe in myself? Am I willing to believe I can be effective? Am I willing to try? YES! Will I fail at times? YES! Am I willing to keep going? YES! Am I better than others? NO! I am doing life differently, in a way not everyone is used to or aware of or destined to do in this lifetime. Did I always do it this way? DEFINITELY NOT! Am I happier now? ABSOLUTELY! I am calmer, more compassionate, more peaceful, purposeful, joyful and willing to share my journey into love.

It is fear that holds us back, dims our light and keeps us small. Courage needs to be built to be able to look at self in a new light of soul awareness, connection, and journey. Is everyone ready? NO and that is ok, because where we are at is where we are meant to be. We know ourselves better than anyone, we know our strength, weaknesses, judgements, criticisms, likes and dislikes, they are our guiderails to our deeper truth, our willingness to seek more from life and journey to the stars beyond our birth and into the realms of who we really are and who we were always meant to be.

A soul blazing with love and light, with our feet on the planet and our heart filled with the knowledge, strength and wisdom of love to be ourselves in every moment, fill our lives with joy when we can, tears when we can’t, yet hold the stability of our truth and peace through it all.

Who is behind the veil? Who is really running the show; the higher self of course, the deeper part of us that is always in oneness with the Divine, we are not separate, we just think we are. We are here to grow and remember love. The events of our lives are the divine leila’s for learning, designed specifically and uniquely for each of us and our growth. Love is always a higher vibration and is pushing negativity up and out. It shows us up and shows where our hearts are open with love or closed with fear and masked by anger.

It is all learning, especially the things we find abhorrent and want the world to change, we just do not know when it was that we had to go through that ourselves and learn to be the change. Compassion goes a long way in understanding the journey of transformation. We are witnessing a huge purge of negativity across the globe as it rises to the surface and will be pushed out by love, not everyone is ready, not everyone is willing to let go, we can however be gentle and kind with ourselves as we witness the journey of others during the split between 3D & 5D. We can look beyond our own veil and see the learning, see those given an opportunity to shine and those who will not, it’s all guiding us home to love, one way or another as the Earth lifts Her vibration to unconditional love, revealing truth in the process for all to see if we are willing.

May our soul’s journey here on Earth be blessed, and our road paved with gold. May we whisper truth to our heart, love to our mind and gratitude to the Earth and our soul for incarnating us in the turning of the age from the darkness of Kali Yuga into the Golden Age of Peace. May we all learn to shine our light by accepting our darkness and allowing it to transform into peace with more ease and grace through surrendering what no longer serves us all.

Om Namo Narayani!