Dark Fire

By the time I stepped outside, the leaves were on fire. The autumn foliage that fell from the massive dogwoods outside were like hot embers drifting all around me in the late evening sun. I had failed to put out the cinders and ashes of my past vice in time and now I stood trembling like a hazardous structure fire ready to fall to pieces at any moment. I stood staggering and on my feet in waning strength and pushed my body in vain not to collapse.

This dangerous fire which I kept close for warmth on those particularly cold days in isolation had now erupted out of control into a conflagration that was soon going to destroy me and with no hope of being put out. I broke out in a cold sweat and immediately yearned for breath as my throat started to close. This ravaging black flame had me smoked out of my own home and beckoned me to seek fresh air from the hazy, soporific smoke that threatened to overtake me. I desperately wished that somewhere miles away, someone would spot this enveloping smoke like a signal fire in my time of desperate need and come and rescue me. I shakily stood staring helplessly out on my doorstep as tears obscured my vision and trickled down off my face; falling towards the flickering russet leaves that peppered the ground which seemed to fall out before me.

My trembling legs began to fail me just outside my doorstep and like a flash of lightning igniting a brush fire it dawned on me that I had made a fatal error. The once welcomed bonfire that warmed my ailing body from within skin, veins, and bones seemed sure to become the fiery stake I would burn in. The black tar tinder which fueled the flames of my addiction had caused the black fire which I relied on to grow wild and much, much too hot. It was known to me from the moment I agreed to this Faustian Bargain for the black flames, that I had risked all for the fleeting comfort which it provided me. So like some omniscient being I understood that this eventuality bearing my destruction would occur; but alas, like some amnesiac, I never imagined when. I no longer had need to ruminate on this further as I then realized for I was certain of the answer as the flame consumed me. Defeated, I laid on the grass among the dry, fallen autumnal leaves surrounding me and which still flickered red hot in color but emitted no warmth.

I felt too heavy to move yet I was free to witness the dead leaves dance with so much life in circles around me in this season of dying. The crisp refreshing air that breezed past my skin so freely outside on this day seemed to escape my lungs as I labored harder and harder to breathe. An overwhelming sense of relaxation and blissful release soon overcame me. I closed my eyes and contemplated this powerful appeal to eternal calm and appeasement. It was such an unearthly and euphoric sedation offered by an insatiable black, all consuming flame which was quickly taking hold of me. This was it, what's next? I thought.

Instantly, I jolted up with a horrid start and shuddered terribly as the wild excitement in my veins made my heart flutter nervously in a paroxysm of fear and mortal panic. I felt as though I was being torn from this mortal realm to be allocated to some strange locality with the promise of never being able to return, nor given the assurance that the destination would be to my liking. It was clear to me that I did not want to go, for this now and today was being replaced by the strange and mysterious happenings of the unknown and yet to be. Oh, I did not want to go! But I had been overtaken by this devilish flame relentlessly consuming me and I could no longer make out my vanishing surroundings. I knew not where I was, nor which realm, and all I saw around me was smoke. It encompassed me along with all my spinning thoughts and my awareness succumbed to darkness.

I soon was roused by the gentle fanning of delicate blades of grass stroking my nose as I breathed in the their earthen and verdant scent of new life. My chest burned as I lay tired, weak, bone-weary and prostrate facing the heavens. By the time I came to my senses, the former flaming leaves of the dogwoods were subdued and muted to auburn shades; like heated anger cooled and dissipated in the moonlight. I lay there unsure but without any question, comforted in the moment by the cool, crisp air and without need for any want or pleasure in every respect. I lay there in a daze as the dark smoke finally vanished as my eyelids began to stir. I gazed at the pitch black sky and wondered if the disorientating smoke had reached the heavens for good, for the luminescent moon hung low and was obscured by the same darkness and shadow. As I pondered, I began to wonder if my signal fire had finally reached someone. I had been saved.

The deathly fire had gone and the past unanswered questions that once plagued my heart and drove me to seek comfort in those flames didn't matter. That moment was all that mattered. That moment. If time at that point stood unchanged and still then that would be all I ever needed. I wanted for nothing. I cared for nothing. I lay and soaked in the glory of the lasting warmth of the extinguished flames in avaricious bliss. I closed my eyes and smiled for I could finally find comfort in myself. My tears streamed down the sides of my face and landed like dew drops on the moonlit grass. Such ecstasy I felt and such a wonderful feeling that I feared I couldn't possibly do without. I had gone through such terrors and had almost consumed myself with this black, hellish flame. But alas, it was made clear to me by the light of the moon as I lay there in rapture that night, what I must do. I had decided. I would take that fire with me always.