The Magician

He was a magician. Not the kind of guy that could tell you what’s on your card, or make roses appear from his sleeves. No, his magic was truly special, and so malevolent that I can’t even begin to think about it without wanting to cry again, like the many times I did back then.

His power wasn’t unique, but a really good one to have; he could bend and sculpture with his words until I almost believed that I was breathing just because he allowed me to do so. He could make every reality into a favorable situation for himself, making everyone else guilty for every sin, even his own mistakes.

The problem was, he didn’t use his powers for good things. Well, I suppose they were good for him. However for the rest, and especially for me, these tricks only made us the villain in his perfect story where he was the misunderstood hero waiting for a chance to prove his worth. We weren’t the bad guys, no. He wasn’t either. Or maybe yes, I don’t know anymore. Everyone got the blame, but it was never their fault.

He manipulated me into believing so many things that I don’t know what’s reality anymore. How can I be so sure now? I trusted him with my life, and there were so many lies that maybe I won’t be able to distinguish the truth even if it hit me like lightning.

Those stories, those lies… How messed up he left me. I find myself missing those tricks and lies, wishing for them to come back, so I can live again in that strange place that was his own personal Wonderland. 

Nobody will allow it. They won’t even let me talk to him. They claim they’re just protecting me but they’re not; I don’t believe them. They just want to control me. They know I’m vulnerable. I won’t let them, I just won’t. I hate them. I hate everyone… Except for him. How dare they try to control who I speak to! I make my own decisions.

He never caused me any harm, he was always the good guy. He was the one protecting me from them. They were the ones trying to hurt me. He isolated me for my own safety. He did. He would never harm me. He helped me, and in return I had to do everything he said. As long as I followed his commands I would be okay. He was in charge, he was superior and he had authority. I was too weak and pathetic to decide anything for myself, he even said so.

Consequently, I grew to hate myself and fear everyone around me. He was the only one that cared for me, or so I thought. Now it feels like no one is there for me. I’m truly alone. I can’t tell anyone what he did. Nobody would listen and nobody would care. Or worse, he could get into trouble, and it is still my duty to protect him. I have nobody to turn to, not a single soul.

I wish I could just wake up and be told it was all a horrible nightmare. I just want to be normal, I want to have normal problems and normal experiences. I have never been able to experience “normal”. Instead, I got myself trapped in this endless void with no escape. The French use the term “l’appel du vide”, I think that explains it perfectly. I feel as though the void is constantly calling me, everywhere I go. I would scream for help, like they do in the movies, then all their problems are magically solved, but it doesn’t work like that in real life. Nobody hears me.

Help. It’s a funny word, isn’t it? Sort of… Meaningless. As it’s been devalued in today's society. Holding a door open or picking something up isn’t “helping”, it’s just basic manners. You don’t know the real meaning of help until you truly need it. 

No. I had to do this alone, I didn’t need their help. They wouldn’t understand. I could do this, I knew I could. It was going to be hard, it wouldn’t be fun, but it had to be done. It was only two words. Surely I could manage that. I’m stronger than I know, I’ve been through worse. I’ve got the receipts to prove what he did. He stupidly admitted to it, and now I have it saved to my phone. Does he think I’m unaware of his plans?

Although… He wouldn’t lie to me. He had never done so before, he had no reason to start now. It was my fault we got into this mess. I was the cause of all of his problems. He told me so every day. 

Wait, that can’t be true. I tried to help him! I saved him from his own mind. I got him professional assistance and it all turned out to be a lie. He used mental illness as a way to manipulate me. It was part of his magic act all along. You should never trust a magician, I know that now. The appearing roses and magical bunnies are just a trick of the mind. Gifts were one of his many methods to confuse my mind, well it won’t work any longer.

I had a new magic trick of my own. Just a wave of the wand and…

“It’s over.”

Now I’m the magician. It’s his turn to succumb to my lies. I won’t show him my cards, or give him pretty little roses. No, my magic is much more advanced than that, and so much more malevolent. So truly special that nobody ever sees it coming. It’s a special type of magic, known as revenge. Almost karma, really. I can’t wait for him to see my little tricks, he’s going to hate them, and that’s the best part about it! I’ll show him how it feels to be treated like a punching bag, like you don’t matter. Nobody will even know it’s me, I’ve got a plan - a magical plan.