The Cycle

"Are you ready to see me love someone else?"

"What does that matter?"

"Are you ready to watch me leave this house, move on from you, and fall in love with someone else? Are you ready to see me live my life without you in it?"

"I'm not breaking up with you because I don't love you."

"Answer the question Damien. I want you to answer the question."

"I don't want to think about you loving someone else, but I can't be with you right now, and if you choose to move on from me and love someone else then I can't stop you from doing so."

"You could stop me right now. You could stop breaking up with me, stop throwing everything we worked so hard for away, and just fucking love me instead."

"What don't you understand? I can't be with you right now."

"Are you ready to never be with me again?"

"I can't be with you right now."

"Are you ready to never speak to me again, to never get a third chance, to never hug me or kiss me or have the opportunity love me?"

"I can't even take care of myself right now Julia, I can't think about my own future much less ours."

"Damien I really need you to understand something."

"What?"

"When I walk out of that door, thats it. There is nothing more for us, no more supposed promised future after I leave. I won't go through this cycle with you again. It's now, or I swear to you we will never speak again."

"You think it's exhausting don't you? Being with me? Enduring this cycle?"

"Honestly, yeah."

"How do you think I feel? As the person who is actually in the cycle. Do you even understand how hard this is for me? I'm always the bad guy, always the one ending things, I have lived in this cycle my whole life Julia. Be grateful you have the option to leave my cycle of fucking misery and mental illness."

"I'm not asking to fucking leave it Damien. I'm begging you to let me in, to let me help you, to not push me away."

"I won't put you through my mental illness, it's not fair to you. I'm not capable of loving you the way I want to love you right now. I can't even get out of fucking bed in the morning Julia. I can't live. I feel like a ghost in my own life. I have thought of killing myself this week, do you understand that?"

"You know that I understand that. Stop pretending like your mental illness is deeper and greater than mine or anyone else's. Loads of people suffer from mental illness Damien, it's not excuse to ruin everything we have."

"I can't love you right now."

"And when you see me falling in love with someone else? Will you still not be able to love me? Will you not regret pushing me away?"

"It doesn't matter. You deserve someone better than me anyways."

"You're right. I do. But I chose you, I choose you, and I love you."

"You know I love you too Julia. That isn't the issue."

"I can't believe that we are having the exact same conversation that we had six months ago. The exact same breakup lines. You haven't really changed at all have you?"

"You know it's not the same."

"It is the same Damien. I feel so fucking foolish for taking you back, for falling in love with you again, for allowing myself to trust that you wont just pull away again. It's fucking whiplash being with you."

"What does that mean?"

"Last night, you told me you loved me, that you wanted to move in with me, that you wanted to have kids with me, that you wanted to be with me forever. Last week you promised to never leave me. Last month you swore up and down that me and you were end game. Now look at us. This must be a fucking joke."

"You know it's nothing that you did right? I want you to really get that."

"I hope you get the help you need Damien because this is outright fucking mentally insane."

"Well that makes me feel like shit. Thanks."

"You're telling me you have been thinking of suicide. I don't want to be cruel, but you need to go back to therapy. You're an amazing person and you don't deserve to feel this way, to destroy everything wonderful in your life. You deserve happiness and joy and I hope you find it."

"You're an amazing person too. The best person Julia. You are the best thing thats ever happened to me. I don't deserve you."

"I know."

"It's over."

"I'm sorry Julia. What happened?"

"He's fucking insane thats all."

"Come over. I'll cook us dinner and we can watch cringey Christmas movies on the couch."

"Can we smoke cigarettes and shit talk him too?"

"Whatever you need. I love you Julia, you're going to be okay."

"I love you, Madison."

"I'm terrified he's going to text me."

"Why? You should tell him off for this bullshit he pulled, stop with the lovey dovey shit and be mean."

"Because I fear I would fall right back into his arms, and trust me, thats the last thing I want."

"Then why would you do it?"

"If I saw him, despite all of the horrible things he did to me, I wouldn't be able to stop myself."

"I don't get it. If I were you, and I saw him, I'd slap him in the face and walk the opposite direction, no questions asked."

"For some reason, maybe I'm just a self loathing blindly in love girl, but I can't say no to him. Every part of me hates the idea of repeating the cycle with him. I know if we got back together, the exact same events would reoccur, but god, those perfect fake months of loving each other before everything falls apart, they are almost worth the heartbreak at the end."

"I think thats a form of self harm Julia. Choosing to get back with him knowing that he is just going to hurt you."

"With him, there is no choice. Thus, the me being absolutely terrified to see, speak, or text him ever again. I'm afraid of what my actions would be, and the fact that I don't seem to have control over them."

"He pushed you out of his life, he didn't want you there. Give him what he wants."

"He'll change his mind. He always does."

"Don't change yours."

"I won't."

"You said that last time."

"I mean it now though."

"You also said that last time. Tell you what, if you get back together with him, I will shove you in my suitcase and fly us to Paris so you can fall in love with some hot french man and realize that what Damien does to you is not love."

"What would I do without you Madison?"

"I don't know, be miserable?"

"This is what real love is huh? You would never push me out of your life because you're mentally ill would you?"

"No I would beg and plead for you to come over every single day."

"And you know I would already be at the door."

"I love you."

"I love you girl."