Planet in Despair

This story contains triggering content related to mental health, suicide, or self-harm.

I parked the car on the gravel path that led to the house. The color had faded into varying hues of grey, emphasizing the years my family abandoned it. Grabbing my camera as I opened the door to the car, a light scent of lavender traveled through my nose, unlocking forgotten memories hidden in the back of my mind. I pushed the car door shut and began my journey to the past filled with nostalgia. I never asked Dr. Redding if this visit could do more harm than good. She said I was ready to face the haunts that held my dreams hostage.

Dr. E Redding welcomed me, wearing the same intense smile and dress that never seemed to change for the past three years. Navy blue slacks with a matching jacket, a boring beige button-down blouse, and red pumps for that little pop of color. I can't help but think how often she chose... or was forced, by her parents, to watch Charlie Brown shows. And she acquired a psychology degree to help others. Primarily, it was that creepy, almost psychotic, bright red-coated grimace that made it nearly impossible to look her in the eye.

"How was your weekend, Kelli? Did you engage in anything fun?"

"It was okay," I lied. "I went to the gym and met a potential friend," Oops, I fibbed again. I should ask her when she last went shopping for clothes. It could become a you help me, I help you situation. It's a win-win!

"What's a win, win, Kelli?"

"Oh, uhh... Oh yeah, the gym thing. You know that. I said earlier I worked out while there was a crowd and made a friend. I had the idea we could become exercise partners."

"I see."

The psycho started droning on about how pleeeased she was with my pretend progress. The next thing I knew, she told me to visit my old house. I could hear my heart beating like a rabbit warning of danger. It had been left to me by my father. I hate that I have ties to that house. It was never home. 

"...and to ensure you have completed this task, I want to see the photos so we can discuss your feelings together." Her lips glossed over her wet teeth as she spoke. "You are ready for this. I believe in you." They returned to their unnatural and grotesque state.

Gross, she gives me the heebee geebees. No, the hell I was not. I left without saying a word. I did not know that was the last time I would see her.

The crunch of the gravel seems louder than I remember. Maybe it is my weight. Does it really matter? Obviously, no one was grooming the lawn. Blades of shin-level grass waved to and fro in the mild breeze. The porch railing was still smooth. Hints of green paint lingered here and there. It was the steps that led to the porch floor.

"OUCH!" So much for smooth. "What a surprise. Another wonderful memory connected to this house."

The steps needed to be repaired. 20 years of weather damage caused them to bow and break in several places.

"This is a great spot to take a photo. Oh yes, I better include my car. I'll back up a few steps..."

Who forgets there are steps there? Where the heck did my camera go? I jumped up quickly, brushing off the dirt in haste. Removing the history of blood, alcohol, and pain. On the porch floor rested my camera aimed directly at the door. I felt like someone kicked me in my gut. I could not breathe, and beads of sweat began to form on my forehead. Spinning around, I stumbled my way through the unshaven grass. I could hear myself gasping for air. Was that a hiss? I think I'm going to pass out. How far are the trees? The ground rushed to my face.

I woke up about five feet away from the trees near the river. My wrist hurt.

"Ahh. The trees were still there."

Crawling on my knees toward their comfort, I wondered if they missed me. I have. They collected all my pain away. Finally, secured by their canopies, hot tears lightly seared my nose and face. I can hear the bees buzzing in the black gum and yellowwood trees. The most precious of the trifecta was the fringe tree.

"I cannot tell you how much I have missed you." Wiping tears away with slightly muddy fingers, someone spoke to me.

"I have missed you too, child."

I looked around and asked, "Who's there?" There was only silence. "Hello!"

My ears were alert to hear the slightest of sounds. My tears ceased permitting me to scan for physical movement. Maybe it was a figment of my imagination. I snuggled back on the moist soil.

"I have missed you too, child."

"What in the flapjack, blueberry pie is going on here?"

With wide-open eyes, I examined the area without blinking. Was it the neighbor visiting from the lavender fields?

"Screw this. If someone out there wants to come at me, so be it!" Glaring beyond the thicket of trees, "I have enough pent-up energy to make you limp home crossed-eyed. You got me?"

Once again, my ear pressed upon the earth, focusing on the natural sounds around me.

"Please, do not rise again," the sweet, earthy voice whispered.

My heart was getting quite the workout today. It started to beat fast. I've lost it. Yep. I am officially crazy. Curiosity whizzed about in my mind to make sense of all this. So, I didn't move.

"I remember you and your tears. With the help of my sister, I maintained your refuge."

What if this is a demon speaking to me right now? Should I run? What happens if I do? Will tree roots come to life, grab my ankles, and force me to listen? Only evil things lurk underground. Right? Okay, I need to calm down. You're not scared, only confused. Is the ground getting warmer?

"I can sense your unease. Allow me to share my story if you are truly willing to listen."

"Okay. I'm listening."

"Very well, I shall begin. You can call me Emma."

I smiled softly. "Hello Emma, I am Kelli. It is my pleasure to...meet you." The voice seemed welcoming, but I have watched enough horror movies to know keeping my guard up is essential. It began to whisper again.

"From birth, I was shiny and new. Full of vigor and curiosity. As you may have been as a child. The water was fresh and encouraging for the first underwater life. How they thrived."

The earth felt warmer beneath my body.

"Nurturing the land was my greatest joy. Sustaining the lives atop my surface warmed me to my very core. Airmed, who you have named 'Mother Nature,' and Althea, your 'Moon", are my sisters. They

fostered the life above together. We hardly spoke much, but we were always there when we needed each other."

"That makes so much sense!" Bewildered, I continued listening.

"Yes. I love my sisters dearly, even when they are angry, which rarely happened in my early years. After thousands of years, I was attacked by the influence of AnPao, my half-sister. Rocks fell from the Universe drawn to her. They burst into streaks of light as she blew them away. The pain was unbearable, the first of many scars to come. I recall the first time you shrieked, Kelli. It echoed through wood."

"I am so sorry that happened to you, Emma. You heard my screams? My father threw me across the living room when I was three. My left arm was dislocated. My Humerus was broken in two places, and my radius bone poked through my skin. Those scars were my first." This may be a foolish question, but... "Emma, can you really feel pain?"

"Indeed, I do feel pain. During that time, intense heat scorched me in several places. I was young, so I healed rather quickly. I can still hear the wailing and screeches from the lives above. They scratched and tore at my surface for survival. Every root, when harmed in some manner, stimulates pain. My core weeps when pain seeps in."

"I never considered you experiencing pain at all. Well, not as deeply as you're explaining."

"I was clever enough to ask Aala to take the pain away. She soothed me with the coolness of her hand. She blew upon me, and I became heavy, cold, and shook ceaselessly."

The Ice Age was never my favorite part of history. It's puzzling that the Creator was mad enough to kill them all. He must have had an intention of placing dinosaurs here. "Is there a reason they had to die?"

"The Creator grew tired of her first menagerie and sought a new one. After a deep sleep, I radiated with happiness. The pain was gone. The Creator cast about me creatures selected from my cousin planets thriving and saturating the Universe. The rhythm of fleet-footed animals gave me much comfort. Until fire was shared between the beings stomping about irrationally."

Jeez, I feel so ashamed. I know my ancestors loved the land. It healed us, sheltered us, nourished our tummies, and a billion things more. Here I am, a native to this land, and my regard for it is disappointing. I gently rubbed my hand across the surface, hoping to console her.

"Before I knew it, my happiness was replaced with heartache. As the weight of living beings grew, the pain returned. Harsh stabbings were filled with lifeless things. Mighty booms gouged at my surface, trees were destroyed to make weapons, and red rivers filtered past the roots and sand. Steel stabs and pierces me chronically."

My heart aches to learn this. I felt the heat of fat tears welling in my eyes. The ground became cold, causing me to shiver. Sadness and self-hate are permeating my soul. I don't know how to make this better. Disheartened, I continued to listen to her sorrows.

Distressed, she continued. "Time has dissected the connections I have with my family. They have become defiant. I continue to push Althea away. Aala inflicts the most pain, manifesting tumultuous weather. Even AnPao, whom you call 'The Sun,' endeavors to land a fiery punch to put me out of my misery. Once glorious and a wonder to see, I am most forlorn today. The weight placed upon me is overbearing, and I have become weary of it. I struggle to breathe, and my waters are tainted and unkempt. I have scarred myself savagely, erupting out of anger. Soon, this will all come to an end."

My eyes and lips are swollen from the tears I've shed. I erased the slime from my nose with the back of my sleeve. In desperation, I softly asked,

"What can I do? I need you, Emma. I know I have not provided you with the love you need. I am here now." Fresh tears stung my puffy eyes.

"I am dying, sweet one. The damage has been done. One final battle will take place. All the secrets buried deep inside me will be revealed."

"I don't want to leave you alone. We can keep each other company. Would you mind if I hugged you?"

"Kelli, you came here..."

I worked my hands deep into her skin. "I am staying with you. You need all the love you can get." I dug deeper, getting as close as I could to the Earth. "I'm not leaving you, so just let me hug you forever."

Emma warmed the soil beneath her as Kelli closed her eyes. The whispering ceased. The bees hummed and danced as they made their way to the hive. A mouse ran through the forest of tall grass and hopped beneath the old broken stairs. Coiled around the camera on the porch, a snake waited for its next meal. An empty car waited patiently to be revived.