This Journal Belongs to Adam Adler

***This story contains mentions and themes of physical and emotional abuse

Henry gave me a bunch of make-up for Christmas. It's one of the sweetest presents I've ever gotten. Even though he doesn't play around with make-up like me, he got someone to help him pick everything out. I’m sure it cost him a lot. 

When I woke up, a wooden basket was waiting for me under the tree containing, 

a brightly colored eyeshadow pallet,

a blush shaped like a perfect pink rose, 

a long-lasting lavender lipstick,

and a tube of concealer. 

That’s not too dark, not too light. 

Just right. 

***

Henry took me out for sushi last night. I didn’t like it that much, but he was so nice and present during dinner. I didn’t want to say anything that might ruin the night. Henry always forgets that I don't like raw fish, but that's alright. He has a demanding job, and the fact that he shut his phone off throughout dinner is very big of him. 

I ordered a vegetable tempura and shared a meal with my favorite person in the whole world. 

***

My sister’s angry with me. This is the second time I’ve canceled on her. She doesn’t understand how busy life can get. She’s still in college and can go out every night. She doesn’t have a real job. 

Henry was right. She’s immature.  

***

Bad day. 

***

Henry surprised me with a weekend away! He planned everything! Once I get back, I’ll try to write everything down so I don’t forget anything!!

***

Called in sick to work. Just not feeling it today. 

***

I’m using the concealer more than I thought I would. 

***

Fought with Henry about my friend Kyler…he doesn’t like how close Kyler and I are. I told Henry I’d distance myself from him. 

It’s the right thing to do. I’m pretty sure it is. 

But Kyler is one of my best friends…how am I supposed to just stop talking to him? 

I can’t lose Henry, though. That would kill me. 

Everyone makes sacrifices for the people they love. I've read that in countless books, watched movie after movie with the same sentiment. 

I need to talk to Kyler. Maybe we can just not hang out as much. Maybe that will appease Henry. 

***

Henry’s right…Kyler is not a true friend. A true friend wouldn’t say I’m “throwing my life away for some g-” 

Whatever. I’m so mad I can’t even write. 

***

What if Kyler was right? No…that’s silly. Henry loves me. He wants what’s best for me. 

I was such a party animal when I met Henry. 

Henry changed my life. He changed me. 

I owe him so much. 

He covers most of the rent of our apartment. I’ve seen the statements. It’s not cheap to live in this fancy building. He buys me so many gifts. 

The concealer he got me for Christmas is almost half gone. 

He's the love of my life. 

***

I’m writing this at two in the morning. My brain is mixed up. I shouldn’t be having doubts, but I just need to put these feelings down on paper… 

Who do I have in my life except Henry? I used to hang out with my sister once a week, but now I barely see her. I used to go out with my friends and dance, have fun. 

Sure, I haven't volunteered at the animal shelter since last year, and I got rid of all my plants when Henry and I moved in together because he doesn't like a cluttered space. 

But when you get into your first adult relationship, things change, right?

People grow up. 

You give up things you used to love. It's called compromise. 

That’s what Henry says. 

***

It's Christmas Eve. This has been the longest year of my life. I can't believe it's been 364 days since Henry gave me all that makeup. The concealer is almost gone. Why did he buy me concealer in the first place? The stupid tube keeps staring at me from its perch on the bathroom counter. The only thought running through my mind is how I used to do make-up for fun, not to cover up what someone's done. 

When I was 18, all I wanted was to be someone's obsession. I wanted to be the only thing a boy thought about. Well, be careful what you wish for. Sometimes, hopes and dreams can deform into real-life monsters with two fists and mood swings. 

***

Henry can tell something's wrong. We’re in the living room, and he keeps glancing over at me. It’s Christmas, but I've never felt less cheerful. We fought yesterday. A bad one. A terrible one. After our argument, Henry took down all the decorations. He said he wasn't in the mood to celebrate this year. He disassembled our fake tree while I sobbed, begging him not to. Begging him to just listen to me. 

And now we're just sitting here, staring at the blank white walls of our apartment. Every painting that I collected thrifting with my sister has been taken down.

One

by

one. 

I asked if he wanted to watch a movie, and he just ignored me. I haven’t eaten anything except a protein bar today because I’m scared rummaging around in the kitchen will set him off. 

I don’t know what to do. I have nowhere to go. If I call my sister or Kyler, they’ll figure out what Henry does to me. 

I should hide this jour

***

This is a new journal. My therapist, Linda, recommended that I keep writing. The old one is destroyed, which I’m thankful for. In those pages, I wasn’t honest with myself. 

Here I will be. I will admit the truth to myself, even when it’s painful. Even if the truth feels like being kicked in the stomach seven times. I don’t want to think about the darkest time of my life. But Linda reminds me it’s necessary. I think that’s what I’ve learned in therapy so far. Being honest, especially with yourself, is necessary.

I also had a late holiday celebration with Kyler and my sister. They made a homemade sign calling our little party ‘Christmas in February.’ 

As a gift to myself, I bought more makeup but left the concealer on the shelf.