Emptyness

This is my worst nightmare, left alone with no one here in my life. The one person that I let in completely just vanished. It is like they never meant what they said or cared about it. We always talked about having a friendship to fight for. Clearly I was the only one that felt that way. My best friend, the one I trusted and loved more than anyone or anything else. Me and Dave met in October of last year through a mutual friend Juan. It was pretty awkward at first but when our friend left we got to talking and got to know each other until the next morning. We continued to do that for three days straight. The connection was like nothing else I have ever felt before. I felt completely safe when it came to him. I shared stuff no one else knows about me at all. He returned to his home ,which is in Pennsylvania. We continued to text everyday and we even played fortnite together every night with our friend. I have never been that close with anyone, I usually would push them away so I would not get hurt again due to my previous friendship. My last friend was very emotionally abusive to me for three years. It was hard for me to let anyone in after that. Our friend did not like that we were getting that close. So he would be rude to the both of us. It got to the point where he told me I could not be friends with him anymore if I was friends with Dave. So I chose Dave that day. The next month was my birthday and I had gotten into a fight with my parents. The  day just kept going downhill from there. He did everything in his power to make me feel better. Would not Even let me get off the game until he knew I was okay. Later that month we had a little friendship scare. I was joking around about not telling him anything anymore because he was making fun of me. He got off the game and I tried calling him a couple of times. After a few minutes he let me know that I had hurt feelings and I apologized and he apologized for scaring me. That was the only altercation we’ve ever had. For Thanksgiving, I wrote him a paper letting him know how important this friendship meant to me. He told me he felt the same way and that this was something that he would fight for keeping as well. As the months went on and I went through the toughest situation. I was raped by one of my friends. I was hanging out at his house so we could watch some anime and youtube. When I refused to do anything with him, I tried to leave but he held me against the wall to make sure I wouldn’t. You can use your imagination to figure out the rest. It was so hard for me to tell him. I felt so disgusted with myself and terrified. I finally told him after we got off the game, while I was waiting in the parking lot of my sister's job. He was really angry that it had happened but he told me that I did not deserve it. That he knew I felt like I was nothing and I was just something to be used. I was probably not gonna realize it yet but I meant something and I always will. It made me feel a little better. He made sure I was okay everyday until I felt more normal. It was nice to have someone to be there even if he couldn’t be by my side. We made sure to take care of each other after that. Everything was out in the open, no secrets. One day he sent me a tik tok of how this guy didn’t feel loved by anyone. Just basically felt like a waste of space and that everyone always leaves. He told me that is how he felt all the time. I reassured him that I would never do that, he meant the world to me. We had a very deep conversation about it. I even let him know that my biggest fears are ending up alone and getting close to people. I knew exactly how he felt. It broke my heart that Dave felt that way. In June, we planned for me to go see him for his birthday. My dad hated the idea and kicked me out of the house. Dave felt bad about it but I was tired of being with a family I never felt noticed. They are actually doing better off without me there. So after a few days Dave let me know, I couldn’t come due to family plans. Later on in August was his birthday. I wrote him two papers, one being how important he was and the other was something funny to describe him. He usually doesn’t have anyone to celebrate with due to him and his family falling out. His step dad used to beat his mother and he tried to defend her and she turned everyone against him. I tried to make it a better day for him in any way possible. Recently we have not been playing as much as we used to but we both work a lot. I wanted to play with him yesterday and before I do that I always post something on my close friend's story first. I don’t know why, but I always do. Anyways I noticed that it went down a person and his name was no longer on the list. So I checked his profile and I was blocked. He took me off or blocked me on everything. My heart shattered when I saw that. I am trying so hard to keep things together but then I remember all the things he said to me. He was the one thing in my life that felt right after all the things I’ve been through. I feel like part of me has died inside and I feel the one thing that I have always been afraid to feel. Loneliness.