Thoughts under The Lunar Eclipse

   “We are all made of star-stuff” said Carl Sagan with loud, yellow letters in the cover of a magazine. For more info, one needs to read more on page eight. Outdated of its time, it was used primarily as a coaster for a hot cup of coffee for the past couple of weeks. There were a few pointillistic coffee marks all over its glossy surface. It was positioned right next to some used yellow paper, some old, scratched notes yet right in front of the shiny, metallic laptop, right in the middle of the wooden office. It was obvious from the plethora of juvenile wall posters and winning medals in the wooden walls, as well as from an underlying sentiment of nostalgia that this was a room, that seemed somewhat frozen in time. The primary owner had obviously moved out a long time ago. It was a much cherished and very much reminiscent part of the house where I grew up as a teenager, in a small town, in the middle of nowhere.

I must admit that no matter how hard I try to put my life in order ever since I met you, I can still not fathom why or what or who designed life so as for us to meet in this world. Consequences never seemed to faze us. Maybe that is the real reason why we were doomed from the very start.

  So many words and so many years after, you can still bring me to my knees. I stopped reading, I took a deep breath and headed toward the window. I sat down in the left corner of the open window. I do not know whether it was the dry wood or my feet crackling. 

  Because the stars are all I have loved and you were one of them. All of the stars and all of the moons were just for us.

 “I just wanted you to know”- I closed my mouth immediately. The pain was immense and stark, carved into every inch of me. There was no point. The light breeze almost nodded nonchalantly.

  I took a good look around. Where are you, where could you be amid all this darkness?

  “It was always the moon, wasn’t it?”, I asked myself.

 And it was. It was always there.

  I still remember the night I met you.  There was a new moon and plenty of gunfire in the air. Who would have thought that such tornadoes exist and who could have warned me? But I guess the stars were aligned for us. How could the sky deny us? Irreversible and damned, our fate was a predetermined coincidence, even if you asked me not to believe in them. We were synchronized. It was that exact moment, that exact night of November when I would take my first careless yet brave step into an abyss that I still try to save myself from, hitherto. The night stopped, it became more and more dense and dark. Until you whispered your name and all of a sudden tinny molecules of light, thunder and stardust were sizzling and whirling, while glimmering, in the periphery of our existence. A universe of our own and a heart that was yours to keep. Somebody should have fired a warning shot. Never again had I known freedom or love like this. It was without any hesitation that I followed you into that dark night. To anyone else the night was simply dense and dark. Ironically, looking in retrospect, it was clear to me that the darker it was, the closer I was to the light. Day or night, sleep or awake the spell was cast. Time or space is not enough to keep us apart only words do- it was a new moon after all. 

  On the other hand, as it so often happens in the universe, things culminate, they reach the end of the circle before they begin anew. And I do. Every full moon I do see you everywhere and I cannot help myself. I remember the night I lost you. The moon opposed the sun , your love against mine and I confronted you. I know I will never find you again- I just cannot come to terms with the fact, I refuse to admit it.

  I still remember everything, after all those years. In the middle of the night, the moon was dancing and I was howling in pain. I have felt your words crushing my skin- and then my heart. Steadily at the beginning but carelessly and provocatively at the end. I was eclipsed. Fully. I was counting your breath, they were loud and deafening in the absence of time and light. Showing no mercy, you turned around, leaving me behind, with a nebulous of gray mist on my eyes, might be thunders or storms. Even though I know that it will be a long time before we can meet again. How could you leave me all by myself and did I really lose you? Will the stars align for us again?

  So I talk to the moon ever since. I am bound or damned to an eternal conversation with the sky. I am permanently insisting to know if you are at least safe or if you talk to her too. My insistent ego is adamant about asking back all of my feelings. How could I forgive you? You never had to chance to apologize to me. And even worse, maybe you never meant to. Inevitably, I was wondering how could I forgive myself for loving you? Maybe I need to forgive us both. If everything is interconnected in this universe, how can we be an exception to its magic?

After all, my love for you is infinite and eternal. I have always loved you regardless of time and space or any sort of restriction. We enfold the entire universe within us and all of my lucky stars are for you. I wait patiently to speak to you again in the dark, without any distractions. Only the stars, the night and the breeze. Only in dreams.