Lavender and Eucalyptus

  Lavender and Eucalyptus. That was the scent that my nose picked up on that chilly autumn morning. 

  I was in the locally owned store of the small town that I just moved into for a fresh start, standing at the entrance with my son Kai’s cold hand interlinked with my own. 

  Lavender and Eucalyptus, the scent of the candle that my mother used to make the whole house smell good when I was a kid still living at her house. Carefree from all the craziness of the world, happy to simply be. 

 The scent that she would buy every Tuesday evening when she would get off of work in candle form, that she would light every night to fill the house with that sweet, soft aroma that gave me comfort when I laid in bed.

  It was like I was a child again, the memories all came back. My usual flat mouth was now a grin as I kept my nose in the air, my eyes closed as the euphoria I got from my childhood overwhelmed me in an utterly beautiful way. I didn’t want to stop this intense feeling of happiness that was almost like a drug. I didn’t want to open my eyes, I wanted to stay in this state that brought me back to my past. Maybe forever even.

 “What are you smiling at?” Kai abruptly said.

  My eyes opened and my smile then turned flat. “Nothing,” I said.

  I looked down at Kai. I could tell that he was bored from the sullen expression on his face and the way he gripped my hands loosely instead of tightly. 

 “Hey, how about you check the toy section? Remember? I promised you.” I said, now smiling again. “You know, I don’t want you to bring it up again crying, and say how I lied–” 

  Kai didn’t even respond, he had broken free from my arms, a huge smile filling his face as he skipped to the back of the store quickly to the toy section

  Kai was my son that I had at eighteen years old, who was now five. He caused me to grow up at an accelerated rate, filling up my days that should’ve been spent getting wasted in some college dorm and making memories instead, with exhaustion from working just to be able to support us minimally, living paycheck to paycheck.

 He didn’t cause his father to grow up though. His father disappeared a few months after he was born. He filled his social media with pictures of himself solo-traveling to places like Amsterdam, living the start of his young adult life full of drugs and hookers happily, without ever looking back at us. After he told me he would always be there for me and that we would be a happy family. After he convinced me to have sex with him with no condom or birth control. After he manipulated me. 

  That was my first bitter taste of the real world. I realized how the image of love I saw in those corny Disney movies growing up was simply an unattainable delusion. And how it was just in my fate to be destined to be part of the big group of single moms knocked up by a douche-bag.

"That's just life," Is what my mom said, shrugging when I begged her to let me still stay at her house after Kai turned two. I had no support from his father and didn't have much money. "You're grown now."

I was responsible for taking care of another human being when it felt like just yesterday I was waiting for my mom to pack my lunch to go to school. 

  I closed my eyes again, now that Kai was gone.

  Usually, I cared what people thought of me, and wouldn’t dare to stand in the front of the store aisle with people peeking at me and characterizing me as a not sane person. I mean, I already was mistaken as a teen regularly and was scarred from the judgmental looks I got once in a while with Kai that truthfully; hurt me deeply as I never imagined my future to be like this when I was a little girl.

 I sniffed once again. Lavender and Eucalyptus. 

 I remembered the time I was at my brother's preschool birthday party and a friend of his whose name I particularly remembered, Steven, said to his dad randomly, “Dad I want to be an adult.” Then shaking his head, the dad quickly replied, “No you don’t Steven.” And all the parents around collectively chuckled. 

  At this time, I was in third grade and didn’t know what was so funny, as innocently; I wanted to be an adult too. I wanted to be free from my mother's rules, or my teacher's rules, and be able to do whatever I wanted and achieve my dreams that seemed so attainable at the time.

 Fast forward years later and I realized exactly what Steven’s dad meant. 

 I missed perceiving adults as perfect put-together beings, I missed when I thought if something were to happen all I needed to do was go to a certain adult individual or organization and it would be sorted out. I missed believing that the world cared about me and was a pretty and fair place that I was blessed to be in, I missed when I was stupid and a kid.

 After seeing the recurring reality of the world from simply being forced to grow up, I felt like an elderly person who was color-blind from the rose-tinted lenses we all perceived the world in youth. I was tired and bitter.

 Bitter that other people my age still looked at the world with big doe eyes with the dream of endless possibilities that could happen to them. And the fact that some of them, if they played their cards correctly, would be able to see the rose color for the rest of their lives.

 That could’ve been me. 

 “Mom, what’s wrong?” 

 There stood Kai, with a Power Ranger toy clutched in his arms innocently, looking up at me with concerned eyes. 

 That was me just yesterday.

 I shook my head, realizing that I had been staring into space for a long time. I quickly replaced the sullen look on my face with a fake smile, like always. 

 “Nothing,” I replied, then taking Kai’s hand with mine said, “Let’s go pay for your stuff.”

  Kai then put his nose up in the air, sniffing. “What is that scent?”

  My smile turned real.

 “The amazing lavender and eucalyptus,” I replied. It was my turn to fill the house, and what a bittersweet feeling it was.