Out of the Shadows

Out of the Shadows

It’s funny how you can lose yourself without even knowing who you are and how you can find yourself when you are lost. I was so young, around 17 when Ryan and I met.

I was rebounding from the heartache of losing my first love. But a new year was about to begin, literally. My friend Darcy and her boyfriend Grant were going out for New Year’s Eve, Grant’s friend Ryan had recently moved back from out of town and didn’t know many people so they asked me to join them, on a blind date with Ryan. I was in a bad place at the time and I needed a distraction in my life so I agreed and was actually looking forward to this night.

Darcy and I met Grant and Ryan at the bar up the street. We played pool, talked, laughed and got to know each other pretty well. At the end of the night I decided that I would give Ryan my number. After all, I had a great time and I needed…I don’t know…something to hold on to. Little did I know that it would be the ride of my life?

In the beginning it was all roses and sunshine. He sent me flowers, paid for everything and even bought me a gold necklace with a heart charm on it. That’s how they suck you in, but then slowly things begin to change. It’s “where have you been”, “who were you with” and “why weren’t you at home when I called?” I found myself on the defensive all of the time. Ryan worked on the oilrigs with fourteen days on and fourteen days off. It was a good job, but what I didn’t know at the time was that Ryan’s stepdad also used to work on the oilrigs and when he was at work Ryan’s mom would bring home different men all of the time, so you can just image how he felt when he had to leave. Back then we didn’t have cell phones or pagers so if I was not sitting on the phone when he called….I was cheating. Even though I never once cheated on him.

It took about three months before things became physical. At first it was just bruises from grabbing my arms, then the slapping and finally the full out punching and kicking and then the sexual abuse. It’s funny how you never think of calling is rape because it’s your boyfriend, it could never be considered rape. Of course everything happened in areas where others weren’t likely to see the traces left behind. But that was nothing compared to the mental abuse, he had me believing I was ugly, fat, a whore and no other man would ever want me.

I actually broke up with him once, but he begged me to come back, said it would never happen again. He drew me back in with sweet words and flowers. How stupid was I? I was so young and wanted to believe in love so badly that I created a world of my own happiness and convinced myself it was the relationship making me happy.

About two years into the relationship I became pregnant with my oldest daughter, I was so happy finally someone would love me unconditionally and I could love them the same. The beatings actually stopped while I was pregnant, at least there was that. We got married because I didn’t know what else to do; if I had it to do all over again I would have left him and raised my daughter all on my own and be better off for it.

I could give you literally hundreds of examples of some of the things that were done to me, but I will stick to just a few.

When his friends would come over to visit, I would try to be a good host, but upon their leaving Ryan would start in on how I was always flirting with his friends and this would start the anger in him and he would use me as a punching bag. One time punching me so hard in the head that he knocked me out and as I fell to the ground he began kicking me in the head and stomach area. Then there was the time he got so drunk and had so many empty bottles of alcohol on the floor of his car that officer that stopped him actually called me to come get him and bring him home. It was lucky for him that because of my job at the time I knew a lot of police officers. Of course when we got home it was; “you must be sleeping with that officer, why else would he call you and have you come get me to bring me home instead of arresting me?” I could never lose for winning. One night I received a phone call from a local bar asking me to come get him because he was drunk and belligerent. So I had to get my neighbor at the time to come over and watch my baby while I went to pick him up. When I got to the bar to pick him up I had to help him to our truck because he couldn’t even walk. The truck was a standard and I remember that I had trouble getting us home because he was punching me the whole way and kept knocking the truck out of gear. I could go on and on, but I won’t.

It didn’t take long before motherhood was also being used as a tool against me. Who would want an ugly, fat and used woman with a child? I thought I should stay because no one else would ever want me. It is weird how you can fall for that kind of bullshit and actually believe it.

However, mother bear mentality didn’t take long to form. Ryan could do what he wanted to me but he would never hurt my child. I knew it would come, but it didn’t come in the way I was expecting. He never physically hurt our child, but one day when he was hitting me he pushed me down and made me kick her in the head and then her head hit the coffee table. He wouldn’t even get off of me so that I could check on her. I knew that day that it was over, I needed to bide my time and get my ducks in a row but I was leaving.

Ryan and I were together for a total of three years, only one year married. I was lucky, I got out early. While Ryan was at work, I moved out of the house and moved in with a friend of mine. She and I began going out and having fun, something I was never able to do as a teenager because I met and married so young. I ended up meeting a young man named Bob, he said he loved me and offered to help me raise my daughter, and even though I didn’t take him up on his offer, it was then that I finally realized that I could still be loved. Ryan and I divorced and I finally moved out on my own for the first time in my life I was taking care of me. Even though things never really got any better with Ryan and his drinking and there were still issues of what kind of father he was or wasn’t actually, life was much better for us. It was like leaving behind the shadows of my past and stepping out into the sunshine.