CLAPTRAP

“It’s that one nasty little word in English, that’s the cause of all of our problems! It’s the shortest, tiniest, thinnest, most hatefully disgusting word in our language…”

Anone Y. Mous, Jr. rants on, in his typical monotone, his austere face peeking out of every television screen in the country. Whichever channel you switch to, there is always him. On CNN, ABC, CBS... some say, as the running joke goes, that they even see him whenever they open their fridge.

Indeed, no-one else these days has attained such a firm presence in everyone’s living-room and everyone's lives than Mr. Mous, longtime champion of Do-Gooders International and now presidential candidate on behalf of the Party of Absolute Gentleness and Correctness, a serious contender to both the Democrats and Republicans for the top job in the country.

“If we eliminated that one heinous word, took out from our alphabet that very one letter that constitutes it, we’d become the Nation we’ve always wanted to be.”

He clears his throat and then goes on: “Let’s remove the word “I” from our language, the letter “i” from our alphabet! ‘I’ is the word of egoism, egocentrism. We even capitalize it! That’s the kind of importance each one of us gives to oneself! We are perilously in love with ourselves!”

He takes out a white handkerchief from his pocket to wipe his foaming mouth, and then continues, only now raising his voice a little, to infuse his plea with some emotional depth.

“Let’s kill it! Let’s uproot the very notion of selfishness and egoism right there where it all starts, in the words we use. Let’s become better people, the people we really ought to be!”

The crowd at the Convention cheers and claps. The air is heating up and most of the attendees are now standing.

“No more ‘I’! No more ‘I’!” they chant as they hug one another, in an orgy of communal ardor. They all take selfie upon selfie to make sure that they will be remembered for being there on this historical day on which the self has been declared dead and a new era of communal correctness is born.

At first, it’s all voluntary – the party zealots are first to speak and write without ever using the letter ‘i’ anymore. The Correctworld Dictionary takes out the word ‘I’, and then the letter ‘i’ altogether. It rides on the popular sentiment and its sales soar. Other dictionaries follow suit soon. There is no word or letter anymore to refer to one’s own self. Not even the small letter 'i': it becomes an almost innocent victim of this onslaught against any hint of egoism.

People who never cared about these things soon drop their ‘i’s too. Nobody wants to sound weird. People want to belong. To be in the in-group. To use that vicious letter has become taboo. Only vulgar oddballs still utter ‘i’ after ‘i’. Well-meaning people don’t want to sound like them. Some punks use ‘i’s deliberately, just to annoy, to rebel. Graffiteros now spray ‘i’s in every form and color on walls in cities across the nation. The taboo clearly isn’t enough. The long hand of the law needs to be stretched out far and wide.

With President Mous now in power, the ‘i’ becomes outrightly illegal. Anyone found guilty of using ‘i’s could now face harsh pr_son sentences. We’re not tak_ng any chances here either, you see. The r_sks are simply too ser_ous.

Next to go are the exclamat_on mark, wh_ch the Party of Absolute Gentleness and Correctness des_gnated as the most outrageous symbol of anger. Then the quest_on mark goes too, for _t’s a sign of people not _n the know, an affront to conf_dence. There should be no d_fference anymore between the people who know (and ask), and those who do know (and answer). No quest_on marks equals no quest_ons and no d_scr_m_nat_on.

And look at that! Th_ngs are working. Just see how the very word 'd_scr_m_nat_on' has been massacred.

Fresh from all th_s success and popular_ty, the Party of Absolute Gentleness and Correctness proposes to remove another yet gr_evous word: the word that’s used when f_ngers are po_nted, the word wh_ch harbors accusat_ons. The word that l_es at the very roots of hatred. The word ‘you’ has to go. Everyone needs to own up. _t won't be poss_ble anymore to lay the blame on someone else.

This word def_nes master and slave – ‘you do th_s, you do that’ – and has no place _ n our c_v_l_zed gentle nat_on. For good measure, the letters “y”, “o” and “u” w_ll go too, so that no-one w_ll ever have again the means to utter that hatef_l w_rd. There’ll n_w be no viable term that separates the pers_n talk_ng from the pers_n l_sten_ng. Wh _ needs th_se three letters an_wa_ (exclamat_ _n mark rem_ved).

Next in line are ‘us’ and ‘them’ the su_rces _ f s _ m_ch tr_ _ ble and d_v_s_on _ n th _ s w _ rld. There were pr _ tests, and _ t was dec _ ded to keep ‘them’ – _ t’s an altru _ st _ c term, after all. _ t can sta _. But “us” has t_ g _.

‘He’ and ‘she’? ‘Eqalt Warrrs’ (f_rmerl_ ‘Equality Warriors’ ) want these two w _ rds that spell gender d _ scr _ m _ na t_ _ n g _ne _ nce and f _ r all.

‘He’ and ‘she’, ‘s’, ‘h’ and ‘e’ ar_ n_w unlawful and an _ on _ _ _ _ u _ _ _ th _ _ _ _ _ g _ n _ t _. All _ h _ r _ ma_n_ng l_tt_r _ _ f th _ alphab _ t w _ ll van _ _ h _ n du _ t _ m _. Mark m _ w _ rd _.

At l _ ng la _ t w _’ r _ ab _ _ l _t _ l _ p _ l _ t _ call _ c _ rr _ ct.

_ _ c _ n _ ardl _ talk an _ m _ r_.

And t _ _r _ n _ b _ _ nd _. N _ xt t _ b _ f _ rb _ dden _ s alm _ _ t _ v _ r _ _ t _ _ r l _ tt _ r. B _ a _

_ _ _ _ _ _ ll _ a _ _ a _ d _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ l n _ _ _ c _ _ _.

_ p _ _ _ _ _ d_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ v r_ _ _ , _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. A_ _ _ t_ _ _ k _n _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ . _ _ _ _ _ _ _ l _ : _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ .

_ _ n_ x_ _ _ p_ _ pl _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ , _ _ _ _ v _ _ . _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ; _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ . _ _ _ _ pp _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ .

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ , _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ( _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ). _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ v _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ . _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ .

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ “_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ . _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ( _ _ ) .

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ . _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ .

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ , _ _ _ _ _ _ _ , _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _!

_ _ _ _, _ _ _ _ _ , _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ .