Love Soaked Notes

02/21/2023: Test Results

Thank you, little one. This morning, I peed on a stick. “It’s early. It’s probably too early. Don’t get your hopes up,” I said to myself as I waited, as I have told myself dozens of times before as I’ve waited, sitting on the lip of the cold, cracked tub, chewing on my nails and bouncing my legs. Today was different though. I felt it the moment I woke up and I felt it as I unwrapped the test with shaking hands (the kind that says “Pregnant” or “Not pregnant” - more expensive than the ones with the pink lines but my gormless skull requires the words spelled out to me before the meaning can sink in). 

Finally: Pregnant.

I knew it. I took a picture with my phone, afraid the word would fade along with the results it declares. “Hon,” I said, trembling but trying to sound calm, nonchalant, “can you look at this?” Your father groaned and rubbed his face. I woke him. He’s been having trouble sleeping lately. He shuffled into the bathroom and I handed him the test, acting as if I just needed help deciphering some sloppy handwriting, as if my life hadn't changed forever. 

“Yep, that’s positive,” he confirmed with a goofy grin. He gave me a high five and I rolled my eyes but smiled giddily as he walked away to start the coffee. Your father didn’t seem as off-kilter as I felt. Then I heard him dropping the coffee pot and knocking mugs over excitedly.

Next, I pulled up the calendar app where I meticulously track each cycle and negative test; blood drop emoji for the former and heartbreak emoji for the latter. Five weeks, it informs me. Opening the pregnancy app for the first time, I learned you are about the size of an apple seed. So small.

I kept reading in the app. I probably shouldn’t have kept reading. My stomach started to twist and my heart thumped painfully, slowly. There’s still so far to go, and so much can go wrong. Many miscarriages occur within the first 8 weeks and are often due to chromosomal abnormalities. “Beyond anyone’s control,” I saw over and over. So if you have to go, I understand. But if you can, please stay. Thank you so much for what you’ve given me already. I’ve been a little dark lately, and while I know it will never be your responsibility to be the light for me, at least for today you’ve provided quite the spark. 

Love,

Your Mom <3

02/23/2023: Thinking of you

Thank you for keeping me company today, little apple seed. Your dad works as a science teacher and he isn’t feeling the best, but decided he just had to go in for today’s lesson- mitosis. I work from home for a biotech company, we’re just a couple of science nerds. I would have felt a little lonely if it weren’t for you. I don’t know why I’m writing these notes to you. I keep fantasizing about your future. Who will you look like? What will bring you joy and excitement? Maybe this isn’t wise. “Don’t get your hopes up,” I tell myself at least once an hour, futilely. Anyway, I’ll let you get back to dividing and developing - I hope you’re having a blastocyst.

…get it?

Love,

Your funny Mom

03/30/2023: First ultrasound

Thank you berry much for being such a good little strawberry at our first appointment today! Your father and I were finally able to see you and your measurements are perfect, right on track for ten weeks. For most of the pictures, I think you look a little bit like a roast chicken, but your dad thinks fish. There was a picture where you were stretching a bit. The ultrasound tech clicked her mouse a few times and made little white arrows appear and point out little nubs with the label “ARMS.” 

Love you little berry!

Mom

04/05/2023: Telling our parents

Thank you for the morning sickness. Although, I’m not really sure why it’s called morning sickness, they should call it “random smells” sickness. There I was, excitedly heating up some leftovers from yesterday’s chicken dinner, when the smell from the microwave wafted my way and left me sprinting for the bathroom. Ah well, small price to pay - not that my hope is up (sky high) or anything. I read that morning sickness can actually be a good sign, a healthy sign, and your dad has even had some sympathy sickness. 

“Wait 12 weeks before sharing your news,” we’ve read. We are a week short of that advice, but we’re ready to tell your grandparents. I’m not ready to tell anyone else yet, but I know they’d be the ones to support me if anything did go wrong. 

All my love,

Mom

05/01/2023: Fetal Sex

Thank you for being healthy and on track so far! We had another appointment and, wow, nothing compares to seeing you on screen. You look perfect, if a little lazy, lounging with your legs crossed daintily. You really didn’t want to move, but eventually you stretched your little arms out. It was so cute. Your dad had to stay home due to a cough, but we video-called him during the scan.

I decided to take a cell-free DNA test. They took some of my blood; they can separate my cells from your cells… not sure how yet, but isn’t science amazing? The results are in and your 13th, 18th, and 21st chromosomes look normal. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for months now and can finally exhale. I know I still shouldn’t get my hopes up too much, but I’m so overjoyed that everything is looking good. 

Oh yeah, we also found out the fetal sex and you are… MALE.

I’m having a son! Of course, I’d be just as hyped if you were female. Your dad and I love you no matter what. I just hope you are happy and healthy. Please know you are so very loved. 

P.S. Your dad and I are contemplating names - what do you think of Benjamin?

Love with all my heart,

Mom

06/13/2023: Anatomy Scan

Thank you for giving me the cutest little nudges with (what I assume is) your head. Alright, it might be your butt. Either way, I love to feel your movements, so keep moving and grooving baby. We had a doctor appointment where we got to see you on the big screen again. You were wiggling around and sucking your thumb. Near the end of the scan, you curled up like a little armadillo. Guess I’m not the only one who overly guards herself. Tears may have pricked my eyes a bit. Your dad was also sniffling, but it was hard to tell if it was from emotions or the cold he’s unable to kick. Also, it’s confirmed, you are definitely a boy!

When we met with the doctor, she asked if we wanted to hear your heartbeat (duh). She had the hardest time finding you with the doppler, I think she took it personally. She had to hold my uterus down (ouch) and then she spotted you. Maybe you’ll be a hide-and-seek world champion. 

Your Mimi and I went shopping and found the cutest little baby outfits. A nagging, poisonous voice in my head kept whispering, “don’t buy anything, it’s too soon.” I ignored it. The clothes and the thought of you wearing them were too adorable. 

Love, forever and ever,

Mom

08/15/2023: Tough Times

Thank you for keeping me sane, little coconut. Your father’s most recent bout with illness worsened into pneumonia and he’s been in the hospital for the last two days. I’ve felt like a deflating party balloon this last week, moments away from popping. But then I think of you, and swell with strength. Your father’s responding to the antibiotics (science is wonderful) and will be home tomorrow. I’m supposed to keep my distance, we know it’s best for you if we do, but I miss him. 

I love you both so much,

Mom

10/24/2023: Due date

Thank you for making it to your due date. You are now full term, my little pumpkin. I am very, very anxious and excited to meet you. So anxious and excited that I have to keep reminding myself that your arrival is really up to you, sweetheart. Although, yes, I am drinking the raspberry leaf tea, bouncing on the yoga ball, and taking lots of walks. Your father has been so supportive, giving me backrubs and keeping me distracted. He is going to be the best dad. I can’t wait to watch the two of you together. 

It’s very difficult to even begin to describe how amazing it has been and what an honor it is to be the one to carry you into this world. I know I’ve been slightly pessimistic throughout this process. Sometimes I wish I would have relaxed and let myself enjoy the pregnancy more but this has been the best experience of my life and I’ve never been happier. I can only imagine how I’ll feel when you’re out of my belly and in my arms! 

I know this next part is going to be scary and tough, for both of us. Mostly I’m afraid that anything might happen to you. But I trust the doctors and my body. And I’ll have your dad by my side the whole way. I’m going to mail these self-addressed letters soon. They might be the spark I need to get me through the fog that is the first few days of life with a newborn. Maybe the next time I write you a thank you note, you’ll be by my side, my darling. I can’t wait to meet you.

All of my heart,

Mom

10/25/2023: To my husband

Thank you for everything. Our little boy hasn’t made his debut yet, but I’m starting my parental leave anyway. I’m huge as a whale and have too much time on my hands so I figured I better write the man of my dreams a thank you note. I sent that note to Henry Cavill already, so this note’s for you. ;)

You’re probably wondering why we have an armload of letters in our mailbox for our newborn baby. Maybe you and I will open them together and laugh at how silly I was throughout my pregnancy, saturated with worries and doubt. Or maybe we’ll let him open them someday far into the future. He’ll look at his fretting mother and then turn to you, asking, “has she always been like this?” You’ll laugh and say, “oh yeah, ayup.” Then hand him the stack of letters. He’ll be exasperated, annoyed, and maybe, hopefully, a little pleased at how much he’s loved.

Those are the moments I’m looking forward to the most. Not the big vacations, the Disney Worlds or zoo trips. Not the holidays and wild family gatherings, the celebrations, the weddings, the graduations. No, it’s the little moments I’m most excited for. The everyday banalities like little snowflakes that accumulate into a fresh layer of pure, snowy blanket. We have these moments together all the time - strolling through the grocery store, tutting at the prices as we clasp hands, debating on whether we should get the pork or chicken freezer dumplings. Some day, we’ll go to this same store, and our little boy will be sitting in the cart, swinging his legs and babbling sweetly. I forget to appreciate these moments until they’ve melted away but I do appreciate them. I appreciate you.

I know what you’re thinking; this is just the hormones talking, I’m not usually this sappy. Well, you're not wrong, hon. I am emotional, overflowing with big, scary, beautiful feelings. Cut me some slack, I’m about to bring new life into this world. It’s a big deal. Actually, you should be writing me a thank you note! 

I’ll have to remember to force you to write me one, but I’m getting off track. I couldn’t hold back my tears as I wrote this and thought of you and me and our baby together. The words are getting blurry and the snot is also dripping uncontrollably - I’m just a mess, so I’ll wrap this up. What I’m trying to say, I guess, is that I love you and I am so, so glad you’re by my side. You are the Compound W to my worry wart.   

We’ll be parents soon. I know you never doubted this day would come, but now I’m a believer too. We’ve got this.

Your loving, hysterical, sentimental wife,

Rachel

12/27/2023

Dear Grandma,

Thank you for the gifts. Benjamin looks very cozy in the blanket you made him, I’m including a picture here. He is 8 weeks old today and looking like a big boy. I’ll drive him up to meet you soon, we wanted to wait until he had his shots to introduce him to everybody.

I’m sorry I haven’t reached out sooner after the service. We’ve received an outpouring of love in the form of visits, phone calls, and letters. It’s funny, the poor mailman came and knocked on my door to let me know they couldn’t fit any more letters. The mailbox was stuffed full - Rachel was usually the one who checked it. I haven’t had the heart to sort through it all yet. 

I’m grateful that Benjamin and I have you in our lives. Benjamin will know his mother loved him dearly and we will keep her memory alive.

Best regards,

Jacob