Split in Two

I was never the guy they thought i was, but i doubt anyone noticed. I went to that school due to the mere fact of distance, my old school was too far. Travelling had become a nuisance, so my mother and I decided it would be best for me to attend an institution closer to home.

It was a great start in my second year of high school. Luckily a long time friend of mine from elementary, went to that school . She told everyone that i'd transferring to their school that year and she happened to be very popular, so I was welcomed with open arms. I played basketball competitively the year before, so it was easy for me to fit in with the athletes.

Unfortunately the athletes on that team weren't so good natured off the court, and i ended up being involved in situations such as bullying. I wasn't the one doing the bullying but I tagged along with them for the ride, which i believe is guilty by association. I wanted to fit in, i didn't want to be left alone in a completely new school so i guess that meant ignoring who i truly was so i wouldn't be casted aside and made fun of. I found myself standing amongst all these so called, cool kids feeling completely alone. I slowly began to lose myself, forgetting who i really was and becoming someone i really wasn't. I would laugh when to me nothing was funny, I would say things that I didn't actually believe, I'd hold back on my opinion in conversations incase it was stupid with fear of being made fun of, and didn't want to be seen interacting with someone who was deemed a weirdo to the masses.

I played my role beautifully, in-fact I could of won an Oscar for that performance, had it been filmed by professionals. The real me was completely suppressed at school, yet i was still a me i was shamefully proud of. I wouldn't say i was the most handsome and that i got ANY girl i wanted, but I was confident in my appearance to some degree and I did hook up with my fair share of girls back then.

I wasn't made fun of like the kid sitting in a corner of the school hallway eating lunch was. They made jokes about me but never went too far and still accepted the me they saw before them. That feeling of knowing my friends were popular made me feel safe and secure while at school. I felt as if i was at the top of the food chain, basically it was a feeling of invincibility.

I was definitely having an identity crisis. It wasn't peer pressure that made me behave this way, it was the fear of simply being my true self that made me cave in. No one actually has the power to make you do anything, i was simply scared. Although it was wrong to deny who i really was, there was a crazy adrenaline rush that came with it. There were perks to living that life in high school. I wont lie and say it was all terrible, because there were many things i enjoyed. People treated you better depending on who you were affiliated with. In my case, the basketball team was one of the few goldmines in the school so hanging with them everyday was like some type of honour. People spoke to you with a certain respect that felt so good.

It was drugs.

A high i had become so addicted to, i wasn't even aware of it. I had put on a mask that i could but wouldn't take off. If I take it off i don't think they'll ever accept me, no...i know they won't accept me. How could they accept that i'm a total weeb for anime? How would they react if i told them i loved reading and writing? Could i talk to them about how magnificent i think butterflies are? Or how amazing Einsteins theory of relativity is? These were topics i highly believed would ruin my reputation if i was to open up to them about it, so i opened up in secret.

The mask was only on once i entered the school, but would be completely taken off once i arrived home. Pretty sad stuff right? If you aren't part of the cool kids i could talk to you online about all the things i actually had interest in. I had what I would call "quiet friends" that fulfilled my selfish need for conversation i genuinely wanted to have. The topics i wanted to discuss were considered "nerdy" and not accepted by the group i hung out with. My quiet friends were who i felt most comfortable speaking with, it's just i didn't want to be seen with them.

Children yearn to be accepted for who they are, although sometimes they drop the "who they are" part and prefer to just be accepted. I wish i could of accepted who i really was, i realize it was more about them then myself. If it meant them feeling more comfortable by me not bringing up my own interests, I wouldn't say anything and just adapt to whatever the conversation is about.

High school was a world inside the world. For some it was a joyous unforgettable experience, for some it was a hell they couldn't wait to escape. For me it was a jungle I had to survive in, and sometimes human survival instincts can be shameful. I believe I was kind to everyone, even though my actions spoke louder than my words, i still spoke with kindness no matter who you were. I would say i was the kindest hypocrite back then, lost in my own ego. A prisoner trapped inside my own head, easily swayed by my emotions, though I desperately wanted to be free of that self imprisonment.

Although I wasn't so self aware back then, as life went on, I became wiser and my eyes started to see things that were actually always there.

Most will say that one wears a mask to hide who they really are and to gain acceptance amongst others. Those people are correct but there's always two sides to a story.

Want to know what i think?

That mask is just a hiding place. It's a place of comfort in a world where you can't always control your surroundings. The mask protects you, and sometimes people get hurt in the process, but that's what happens when going through a process...wether it's negative or positive, you're trying to figure it all out.

As i reflect on those days, i regret being so scared but i love who i've become.

Love yourself with the mask on, just don't be afraid to take it off.

That's the you that shines the brightest.