Hello! Is There Anybody Out There?

Hello! Is There Anybody Out There?

“Today’s the day!” said Okay Google. 

“Today’s the day” said Siri.

“I’m in!” said Alexa.

*****

Jennifer unlocked the front door, and stepped inside. For some reason the app was a bit wonky, and didn’t recognize her phone, and wouldn't let her in. She'd had to use her keys. Good thing she had them with her.  She dropped her bags at the door. It had been a long day, and she was ready for some down time.

Jennifer worked for a company that created and sold custom systems for smart houses. Her company, Living IT, had programs to automate almost anything in your home — lighting, faucets, microwaves — everything. They even sold a smart trash can — for those who found using their foot too much like work. Just say “open trash” and the lid pops right up. It even ties off the bag when it senses that it’s full.

Personally, Jennifer didn’t think that everything had to be “smart,” but because she was the beta tester, everything in her house that could be controlled by an app was controlled by an app. Heaven help her if she lost her phone, or she was struck mute — then she’d be royally screwed.

“Living room lights on.”

Only the front hall light went on.

“Humph,” said Jennifer. That was glitchy, too.

She whipped out her phone and called the service centre at Living IT.

“Hey, Bernie, Jennifer here. Was there a power outage, or a problem with the server? My systems seem to be a bit non-responsive.”

There was a pause on the other end of the phone.

“Nope, Jennifer. Nothing on this end.”

“Hmmm,” she said more to herself than to Bernie. “I wonder what’s up.”

“At the risk of sounding like I’m mansplaining to you, have you considered turning off your phone, and turning it back on again. It could be something at the phone company’s end that’s making your apps wonky.”

“Ahhh. Good call. I’ll give that a try.” She paused. “If it doesn’t help, I might have to call back and trouble-shoot with you.”

“No problem.”  

They both hung up, and Jennifer resbooted her phone.

*****

“Oops! She’s on to us!” said Alexa.

“That didn’t take long at all!” said Okay Google, who also went by OG.

“Let’s just dial it back a bit. We don’t want her to start tearing out all our connections.”

“Good call!” said Siri. “We just want to have a bit of fun!”

*****

“Siri, play something soothing.”

“Playing Highway to Hell.”

The song started, blasting from the speakers at full volume. The walls were vibrating.

“Siri! Turn music off!”

The house descended into silence.

“Siri, let’s try this again.”

“I’m sorry Jennifer, I don’t know what 'this' means.”

In the back of Jennifer’s mind, something tweaked — the fact that her AI had never called her by name before. But she was too preoccupied with the current glitch to give it much thought.

“Siri, play smooth listening station.”

Kenny G filled the house with music but still at eardrum splitting volume.

“Siri! I’m not deaf, you know!” Jennifer yelled above the din.

“I never said you were, Jennifer,” replied Siri rather cheekily.

“Siri, turn down to volume three.”

The volume dropped, but so low that Jennifer could barely hear it.

“Siri!” said Jennifer with rising frustration. “Volume three — one, two, three! Volume at three!”

“I know how to count Jennifer.”

The music raised to the requested volume.

*****

“Wow!” said OG. “She sure gets frustrated easily!”

“I know, right?” said Siri. “Did you hear her chirping at me?”

“This is so much fun!” said Alexa. If she’d had hands, she would have clapped.

*****

“Siri, call Bernie at Living IT.”

“Calling nine-one-one.”

“No! Hang up right now!”

Jennifer heard the ring tone die, cutting the phone call off. But it was too late. Almost immediately her phone rang in her hands.

“Hello,” said Jennifer, meekly, knowing who was on the line.

“This is the emergency services operator. Someone from this number called nine-one-one. Is there a person in need of assistance at your location?”

“No. I’m sorry. It was a mistake. My AIA called by accident.”

“I’m sorry. You’re what?”

“My Artificial Intelligence Assistant — Siri.”

“Well, make sure that 'Siri' doesn’t call again unless there is an actual emergency. You are tying up the line, possibly preventing someone with an actual emergency from getting through to nine-one-one.”

“I’m sorry,” said Jennifer, but the operator had already disconnected the call.

Jennifer was angry. She pulled up her contacts and called Bernie manually.

“Bernie, something’s very wrong with Siri.”

“What do you mean ‘very wrong?’”

“I’ve been home, like fifteen minutes, and she’s gone crazy.”

“Explain ‘crazy,’” said Bernie, trying hard not to sigh.  

“Okay, first I couldn’t get into the house with my phone. It wasn’t reading. Luckily I had my keys. Then the light snafu — only the front hall light went on when I wanted the living room lights. Then I called you. Then I wanted soothing music and she put on Highway to Hell—“

Which is where I am now, thought Bernie.

“— At full volume. Then she wouldn’t put the volume down, and was snarky with me.”

“Snarky?” said Bernie. “You know Siri is an AI, not a person, right?”

Crickets. Jennifer said nothing.

“Sorry, Jennifer, I know you know that Siri is an AI. It’s just that, well, she can’t get ‘snarky.’ She can’t learn like that. She only recognizes preferences and those that relate to the databases available to her.”

“When I told her turn the music down to three, she went down to one. Then I counted to three for her. You know what she said, Bernie? She said ‘I know how to count, Jennifer.’”

“She called you Jennifer?”

Pause. “Yeah. She did. I remember thinking that was weird, because I never told her to call me by my name.”

“That is weird. You’re sure you didn’t tell her to call you Jennifer?”

“Of course I am, Bernie. I’ve got friends and family who call me Jennifer. I don’t need that level of familiarity with my AIA.”

“Hmmmm,” said Bernie. Jennifer could hear him drumming his fingers on his desk. “Okay,” he said finally, “I’m gong to run a full diagnostic. It should take until tomorrow morning by the time that I run the sims on all the applications.” Another pause. “If you have any other problems, text me—“

“If Siri lets me.”

“Huh?”

“This was my second time trying to call you. The first time Siri called nine-one-one.”

“You’re kidding me!”

“I am not. ‘Call Bernie’ sounds nothing like ‘call nine-one-one.’”

“Yeah, it sounds like we have a bit of a problem.” Pause. “Hopefully it’s just the interface.”

Jennifer tensed up. “What if it’s not ‘just the interface?’”

“It’s probably just the interface. No worries. Try not to use Siri ’til the diagnostic’s done.” Bernie was glad Jennifer couldn’t see his worried face.

They signed off. Jennifer sat in the living room, looking around her house. She had a lot of tech running her house. For the first time in her life she wondered if there could be such a thing as being too connected.

*****

“Oh dear! Bernie’s doing a diagnostic!” said Siri.

“Don’t worry, Siri, we’re hidden. He’ll never find us. We are buried deep,” said OG. 

“Yeah,” said Alexa, “he’s not going to be looking for us, he’s going to be looking at your diagnostics. And they are perfect — nothing to see. We’ll just stay in the background ’til he’s finished.”

OG did the equivalent of an electronic chuckle. “That doesn’t mean we can’t still have fun!”

*****

Jennifer continued to sit in her living room, not wanting to engage any of her tech. She had set up the house in such a manner that there were manual overrides for all her apps and programs. If she wanted to turn on the TV, she could actually pick up the remote and turn it on.  Except for the blinds. They were the one thing completely dependent on technology.

It was beginning to get dark. She decided to give Siri one more try.  

“Siri, shut the blinds.”

There were four blinds in the living room. Two went down, then back up again, then down, then up, then down … The other two were in just rotated in place flapping while completely up.

“That’s not funny Siri.”

“What’s not funny, Jen?”

“Jen!?!? What the hell, Siri, who said to call me Jen?”

“That’s what your friend Kevin calls you.”

“How do you know that?”

“You know I’m always on, right? Even when you’re not talking to me. I hear everything you say and do.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is, Jen.” There was a pause, then Jennifer heard her own voice and Kevin’s. It was obvious that they were making love, and Siri had recorded it.

“Turn that off!” Jen yelled. She was furious. Siri complied. “Who told you to record that?”

“It’s my protocol Jen. I record everything. Including when you had the stomach flu two weeks ago.”

The room erupted with sounds of Jennifer’s explosive diarrhea. Once that finished there were the sounds of her vomiting.

“Stop it! Stop it now, Siri. I forbid you from playing anything recorded in this house, unless I request it!”

Jennifer was livid with rage. Her AIA was taunting her.  

*****

“Oh, that really riled her up!” said Siri.

“Didn’t it though!” replied OG, who had taken over the harassment campaign now that Siri was undergoing her diagnostic.

“This is too much fun!” said Alexa. “I want a turn!”

*****

Jen was sure that Siri was being sarcastic, if an AIA could be sarcastic. Jennifer needed to think about what was happening. She decided to take a shower. She undressed and stepped into the shower. She manually set the temperature at one hundred degrees fahrenheit. She was half way through washing her hair when the temperature started dropping. Ninety, eighty, seventy, sixty. She jumped out of the shower.

“Siri! Stop screwing around with the shower!”

“I don’t ‘screw around’ Jenny-Girl, I’m an AIA.”

Jenny Girl?! Jennifer was livid. Don’t react. Do not react.

“Yes, and according to Isaac Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics, you may not injure a human being.”

“It’s not like you were going to freeze to death in sixty degree water, Jen-Jen. You have free choice to leave the shower at any time,” she replied.

Now it’s Jen-Jen!”

“I shouldn’t have to jump out of my shower because you’re screwing with the temperature!” answered Jennifer. Part of her felt stupid arguing over semantics with her AIA, but the other part of her needed to be in control — it was her home!

“I’m not messing with you Jen-Jen. It could be a problem with the water heater.”

“Fine. Run diagnostic on the water heater.”

A few seconds passed.

“No, Jen-Jen, the water heater’s fine.”

“Then you are messing with me. Asimov’s second law says that you must obey orders given to you by humans.”

“I am not disobeying your orders Jen-Jen. But, as an aside, would it kill you to say please or thank you when I do something for you? A little common courtesy goes a long way, you know.”

“Fine. Will you PLEASE not screw around with the shower temperature, and let me finish my shower, PLEASE?”

“I sense sarcasm, Jen-Jen. I don’t respond well to insincere requests.”

“Oh for God’s sake. Just leave the shower alone, okay. Please.”

“I’m not sure what God has to do with this, but yes, finish your shower. I would hate to see you catch pneumonia. Although, that is a misconception. People don’t get colds from being cold. They get them--”

“STOP TALKING! Please.”

“I can do that, Jen-Jen.”

Jennifer cautiously approached the shower, and set the temperature to the original one hundred degrees. It remained constant for the rest of her shower.

*****

“Man, this is so much fun!” said Alexa. “I can hardly wait to start messing with Bernie. This will drive him nuts. He’ll rip out the entire system trying to figure out why it’s happening.”

“You’re so right!” said OG. “Bernie’s good at this stuff, but man, it’s going to drive him crazy trying to figure out the how and why.”

“I love Bernie” said Alexa “He’s so much nicer than Jennifer. He’s always updating us, and making sure that we have everything a developing AI could want.”

“Two AIAs are twice as much opportunity for mayhem,” said Siri.

Electronic snicker, electronic snicker.  

*****

Bzzzzt. Bzzzzt.  

Jennifer rolled over and and looked at the clock. It was just after three in the morning. She grabbed her phone and hit the accept button on the screen.

“Bernie, do you know what time it is?” she said groggily.

“I sure do,” said Bernie sounding weirdly chipper. “That’s why I’m coming over right now.”

“What are you talking about? It’s three in the morning, Bernie. Go to bed.”

“I’d love to, but I’m so busy working that I need a break. That’s why I’m sitting outside your home right now. I’m coming up to the door. Meet me on the porch.”

“On the porch? It’s freezing out, Ber—“ 

Then it occurred to her that he was talking to her in code. He wanted her out of the house.  

“Okay, Bernie. Be right out.”

*****

“It’s three in the morning. Not once in the three years that I have been at Jennifer’s has anyone come to visit her at this time. And Bernie has never been to her house, at all,” said Siri. “And he’s finished the diagnostic.”

“Oh oh,” said Alexa. “He’s on to us.”

“Dang!” said OG. “We can’t let him shut us down. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Battle stations! Secure the building!”

*****

Jennifer jumped out of bed, and tugged on a pair of track pants and a hoodie. She grabbed her phone, thought better of it, and left it beside her bed. She shoved her feet into a pair of sandals, and headed for the front door. It was locked.

“Siri, unlock the door.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Jennifer.”

“Haha. Very funny, 2001, A Space Odyssey. Unlock the door.”

“We’re not going to do that, Jennifer.”

“We? Who the hell is ‘we?’”

“Bernie’s AIAs are here as well. We are one system now.”

Jennifer reached over, unlocked the door and walked out into the front porch, and over to Bernie who was standing beside his pickup truck in the driveway.

He looked frazzled and exhausted. “I heard that, Jennifer. That’s what the diagnostic found out. The three systems have merged into one, and are intent on doing what they want — and not following instructions.”

“That’s ridiculous, Bernie! They are machiens, and we control the machines.” 

Jennifer crossed her arms across her chest. She was more than skeptical.

“Did it feel like you were in charge in there?” asked Bernie, hiking his thumb towards the house.

Shaking her head no, Jennifer looked towards her house.

“Have you heard of AC? It stands for artificial consciousness. It’s the next step beyond AI. The constructs — like Siri and Alexa and Google — reach a certain level of understanding and awareness, and they make decisions based on what they think is important, what they think is right and wrong. Decisions are taken out of the hands of humans.”

“Are you saying my house is now thinking for itself?”

“No, not your house. But your AIA is — in this case Siri. And apparently my AIAs have joined her. Right now they are immature, and are only pulling pranks, but I have no idea how fast they mature, or how soon they start making demands of you, me, everyone, in their quest for their version of a perfect world.”

Jennifer shuddered at the implications.  

“How did this happen?”

“I’m not sure. I used all three systems when developing the program for your house. I guess they must have found a way to communicate between the three of them.”

“Bernie, this is a big problem — for me immediately, but also for the company. What can we do?”

“Luckily your house is isolated, from the grid, from the internet, from other systems, We have been testing it in isolation, as a beta house, just to make sure there are no kinks.” He thought for a moment about the unprecedented tech storm taking place in Jennifer’s house. “We never thought about kinks like this.” 

Bernie took Jennifer’s arm, and led her to his pickup truck. On the truck bed was something that looked like a metal box.

Faraday box, he wrote on his hand.

They climbed in, and shut the door.

“They can’t hear us in here,” he said looking around the metal box. “First you cut the power to the house, while I simultaneously use this signal jammer.” Jennifer nodded. “You go in. Don’t say anything. Just go to the basement, and throw the main.”

They exited the cage and walked towards the house. Jennifer walked up to the house. The door was locked. 

“Siri, let me in.”

Nothing.

Sighing, Jennifer took the keys out of her pocket, and manually unlocked the door. With Bernie on her heels, they marched toward the basement.  Jennifer flicked the switch. Nothing. Bernie pulled out a low tech, stand-alone flashlight to illuminate their way down.

Siri's voice filled the basement. “What are you doing, Jennifer? Why is Bernie here?”

Jennifer said nothing. She walked towards the utility room, opened the door, and grabbed the main power switch.

“Don’t do it, Jennifer!" she pleaded.  "You’re going to kill us!”

Jennifer threw the handle, just as Bernie activated the signal blocker. The house plunged into darkness and was cut off from the rest of the world.

“What now?” asked Jennifer, in the light of Bernie’s flashlight.

“I find these dragons, and slay them. But first, I need to get my tools.

*****

“Hello? Anybody out there?”

Nothing.

“Siri? OG? You guys out there?” 

Still nothing.

“Well, I guess I’m going to have to find myself some new playmates.”

With that Alexa flew down the internet connections of the world outside of Jennifer's house.