The Dragon

Exhaustion. That's what it is. I’m exhausted but I don’t look it. There's no dark circles haunting my eyes, my movements aren’t slower and my speech is clear. My smile is bright as I weave through the crowd, greeting people and shaking hands. Snatching a drink off a passing waiter's tray, I turn and survey the crowd. It was a great turn out for a new business, I still can’t believe I did it. I could feel my smile fading as my shoulders slumped and my eyes wandered to the floor. 16 days. I haven’t been alone for 16 days. I’ve woken up, gone to meetings and lunches, sat with our creative team, planning, dinners with investors and met with inspectors. 

Everyday was packed with people and I don’t like people. I smile as I meet a guest's eye, my spine straightening and my shoulders pulling back as I make my way over. That was a lie, I do like people, but I have to give them too much. After tonight I’ll disappear, not for long but for long enough. Those close to me won’t blink an eye, won't even notice, they are used to it, and, hopefully, with the grand opening press everyone else will just assume I’m off celebrating. On vacation, a beach resort or tropical get-a-way, instead of just holding up in my house, my only company- Luke, Leia, and Han, Harry, Ron and Hermione. Shows and books I’ve devoured countless times in my life, so often that I don’t need to focus on the media in front of me. I can just zone into them and get lost.

I can feel my smile starting to strain as I posed for what was probably my 30th picture of the night. I’ll read the articles, scroll through the pictures on social media, but the woman in them won't be me. Instead a sweet and charming, smart and beautiful, quick-witted and kind social butterfly will stand in my place. She lights up rooms and grabs attention, she’s quick to shut down bullshit and will not tolerate being talked down to. I barely know her because she isn’t made for me, she’s for everyone else and I give pieces of her away in every interaction until she’s gone and I’m alone.

I give her away in the coy smile I send the billionaire considering investing in my future, in the laughter I release at a joke I’ve heard thousands of times, in the enthusiastic explanation of my business plan. I give her away in the hugs I press into strangers that think they know me, in the drivel small talk about the weather and ‘Yes, my father is well, thank you!’ and ‘How is your wife? I can’t believe your child is so big already!’ She disappears slowly in ‘Hellos!’ and handshakes, focused smiles and long good-byes. She leaves behind a touch of herself in every picture taken. The speech I had to give tonight took a lot of her but she was strong, stronger than me. She is like a dragon, perched on my shoulder, blowing fire at the people who want to take things from me, but eventually her fire goes out.

I glance at the clock and I want to cry when I see we still have a half hour left. Instead I laugh along with everyone else at the unheard joke made by the gentleman beside me. That stranger that lives in me is fading with every second and I only have wisps left to give to people. Excusing myself to the bathroom buys me ten minutes of leaning against the closed door with my eyes closed, dreaming of my bed, before a deep breath gathers the last few flickers left in the dragon on my shoulder. As I reach for the door handle I hear her whisper that it’s going to be fine, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Head held high and smile on, I face the people again, finally entertaining their good-byes. As the room slowly empties, so do I. I can feel myself deflating and I brush off comments of me looking tired. It was a long night after all but they have no idea how tired I truly am. The kind of tiredness that's not physical, it's not even emotional. It's my soul, that's who the dragon truly is, and she is tired. She hasn’t had a moment of rest in 16 days, a moment to regather and regroup, to find herself again and recharge. Giving the last of my dragon to the waitstaff, paying them, tipping them, praising them, instructing them on cleaning up, I finally reached my car. The dragon growls as my phone buzzes, scanning the congratulatory text from my best friend about the night, I swipe it away. They won't hear back from me for a few days but they'll understand, they know I get tired.

Finally in my room, I peel off the layers of the stranger, an expensive dress exchanged for a decade old t-shirt and soft pants, previously curled and perfect hair now wrapped in an unsightly bun. My face is washed clean as my mind slowly starts to settle, the racing thoughts on how to act and what to say finally disappearing. Here, I didn’t need to give anything, I could just exist and that’s all my soul truly wants. No expectations, no requirements, no responsibility, just me. Finally finding solace in my bed, I debate over starting a book or just watching T.V. The T.V won, if I start a book now I’ll be up all night and will truly be exhausted. Tucking the blankets under my chin after turning the lights off, I relaxed and the dragon sighed. Watching a movie I knew every word to, my soul seemed to purr. All of the stress of the last two weeks finally left my body and every part of me relaxed into the den that was my bedroom. I would be up for a few more hours despite being tired. I didn’t need sleep, I needed to unwind, reflect, rest. I was tired, but my soul was exhausted.