Let go.

[Trigger Warning: Manipulation and Emotional Abuse]

If I could just stop thinking that I would be alone for the rest of my life, then maybe I could end this whole fiasco.

My name is Freya and I'm rethinking my decisions.

My best friends are Dana, and Riley. We've been friends for 4 years, and I don't know what to do. Dana is probably the worse. She hits me all the time, and if you don't do what she tells you to, she takes something of yours away and won't give it back... or she hits you some more. She hasn't ever done it before in the past... or maybe she has and I wasn't paying attention back then. But...

Now I'm in too deep.

I can't get out. I've been trying, honest. I give her irritated looks, that just get replaced with guilt. I've tried hitting her back, but either she hits me harder, or she gets mad at me.

And when she does hit me, and I get mad at her, then she keeps saying sorry that I don't know what to do except say I forgive her.

Every time I forgive her.

Every time.

I know she won't change but... I can't help it. If I forgave her the past 6 times, whats the difference now? She hits me all the time, and I seemed okay with it, so why do I not like it now?

Four years of getting this and I'd only say something now?

Like I told you, I'm in too deep.

Especially with the fact that whenever I travel to her house, she hits me there, and I don't want to go home right after. I don't want her getting in trouble with her parents. Especially with the fact that all they may do is take devices away and then she could say "I won't do it again! Please??" and then they give them back.

Maybe that's why she does it. She hits me, and if I get mad, she says sorry, and that she won't do it again, and then she does it again. And again. And again. And again. And again.

How am I supposed to get out of this?

Why can't I leave?

Maybe it's because I feel drawn to anybody I meet. I can't build up anything because I feel that if I leave someone, then I leave everyone. If a friendship of mine breaks, it feels like my world is crumbling.

I know it's weird. It's weird to me, too. But especially if they are mad at me, I can't stop thinking about it. I don't ever want to leave any of my friendships. The friendship with Dana seems like I need her. She seems on board without me. If I'm not there she just turns to Riley.

Another thing is when I'm talking to someone she just interrupts. Like, hello? I'm talking to someone, at least be patient, please?

And the fact that it's not just me she hits. I was talking to one of my friends and she hit her too.

Dana also puts it out there. "Don't make me hit you," she warns, and I know she will.

I like to sort of tell others she hits me too. It's a way I can confront her whilst still being friends. "Dana keeps hitting me!" I giggle to my teacher, when Dana doesn't hit me, once in awhile.

"Whaaaatt? I would never!" Dana says jokingly.

Predicted. I know her so well. I change my whole mood.

"Yes, you would. You do it all the time. And when I get mad then you say sorry and then I forgive you and then you keep doing it all the time! And then if I hit you back then you get mad at me!"

"Okay..?"

I've done this at least 3 times.

I wish I was lying.

Riley and I were arguing. It has been awhile since Dana hit me... now she just looks sore to see me. I just know she hits other people. My friend told me she hit her repeatedly and every time it got harder during a project.

Riley can be a little more upfront, which is why I like being on her side when we all get into a fuss with Dana. (Video games. She gets mad at us easily.) I'm sure Dana hits her too.

During the argument we stopped talking. She was still friends with Dana. The argument was about abuse. She kept telling me that I was defending it during the argument, when I was positive that I was not.

Dana agreed with her.

Which is kinda confusing. Because Riley kept being friends even though Dana hits us... maybe she forgot. I don't know.

Anyways. The conflict is over now and we've all made up.

I just don't know what to do anymore. How do I leave? Is it possible to just.. walk away? How? I know it's not the end of the world.. but... It just doesn't feel nice, doesn't feel right, doesn't feel okay. I know if I leave, I and they will be okay, but I can't. But if I make them stay, won't that be manipulative? It seems like I can't break apart from them.

Why can't it ever just be easy? Why can't it all just stop? Why is it that every time she hits me, and apologizes, that I can't just say no? I'd tell someone but that would just make me a snitch. If I snitched then I'd get stitches, which is probably true because I won't stop thinking about it. I...

I can't ever let go.

I've told a few people, but luckily they don't do anything about it. I feel if they did, she'd be mad at me. I hate when people are mad at me.

I wish I could just find a way to get it all together so that there wouldn't be as much problems. I don't know. I just don't know.