Loved and Lost

My heartbeat lubed and duped faster that chill summer morning when I was running towards the balcony of the auditorium in Thimphu High School.

In her cozy red dress, pony-tailed hair, and a dimpled smile came rushing in. We were lucky at that moment since we got to watch the sunrise together for the last time.

The bright rays of the sun rose from the eastern side of the mountains to her rosy cheeks. Her closed eyes kissing its warmth. It was hard for me to say goodbye to my love at first sight. Just like the sun rises new hopes and dreams, she got through as a Teacher while I was interested in writing.

It was then she became a stranger when I was still writing poems for her to fill her absence. Calling her multiple times even though her phone was unreachable. Asking about where she was to her friends like a crazy person arguing with relatives who only wanted to see me back to so-called normal living. Alas! In vain. This heart only longed for her heartbeats. These lips missed her cherry lipstick stains, these hand missed hers, filling in and making promises of having family and growing old together.

I still wonder, what made her change her mind? I have looked in the mirror a thousand times comparing with her new boyfriends. I even started drinking. It was her departing gift. She moved on. I even dated two women in a month, but nobody could replace her. Her way of teaching me the procedures of cooking my favorite potato dish became my daily meal. Even her aggressive voice sounded melody as I got to hear her once. I was messed up. I used to browse her Facebook page five times a day to see her relationship status SINGLE. I always hoped one day she would come back start over with her coffee smell breath, kissing the sun-rays.

After a decade, I saw her in our High school gathering in that same auditorium. 

"Do you remember me?" I said excitedly.

 "Oh yes! How have you been? '' she said hesitantly.  I built up the courage to sit next to her and continued.

"You left me broken and want to know how I am. Do you have any idea how much I longed for this moment?” 

Tears rolled over her cheeks while I continued. 

“Is that the thing you owe me for all the fidelity I have shown?” 

She pulled a wine closer and drank all the bottle without even pouring in a glass. I was loaded with lots of questions. 

"Damn!" I banged on the table and pulled her bottle.

“What made you change your decision? What is the reason for betraying me?” I shouted. 

Everybody stared at us. She ran away, I followed. I grabbed her hand and pulled her closer to my arms. I hugged her tightly. I could hear her heart beating faster with the same old smell of the perfume I gifted her long ago.

“Thank you!” I said with a smile on my face. I was convinced that she still loved me. She remained silent and walked away.  I was thinking the whole night about the feelings of unsatisfactory for she didn't tell me the clear reasons as well as content knowing she still loved me.

The next day, someone was on the doorbell. I saw her roommate.

“ Good morning, I came here to give you this letter. She went back to Thimphu yesterday evening.

 "Come on! You must be kidding. We have lots of things to share. I was planning to meet her today. "  

"I am sorry, but that’s the truth." Reluctantly she left.

I didn't know what to do, to believe it, or to see it for real. I took a ride faster than I could and reached her apartment. There I saw her room filled with collections of books and indoor plants. She loved reading with a cup of coffee and her Aloe Vera plant on the table. And it was arranged just in front of her window to watch the beauty of sunrise and sunset, the symbol of new hope after the darkness, as she used to say. 

“Dear Dorji, 

I had been waiting for this moment since the day we separated. And for the first time, I was happy having met you yesterday. I will be gone when I am sharing these things which I can't in person. But I want one favor. Please don’t hate me. I want to erase all the bad memories I gave you and replace it with only good ones.

You always wanted to know the reason for my silence and why I ignored you. The next day I reached home from school, my parents have decided to move to my mom's village in Thimphu, 12 hours' drive from your place. I didn't know why they have to leave in a hurry. They even sold my phone that’s why i couldn't contact you. Later that night, I overheard them, my dad got bankrupt and had to sell our home and belongings. We were left penniless.

That whole year was the worst nightmare for me. I have seen my dad working in the fields, my mother working as a maid to feed the family. I didn't even go to teaching college. I started working as a Liberian to support them.

There wasn't a time I missed you and wanted you to support me. But luck didn’t favor as well as couldn't meet a single friend who could convey the message. When I thought things would turn well, I saw you dating my co-worker Mrs. Dema, who is a teacher at my school. I couldn't bear the pain of letting you go. I wanted you so close that when I saw you with her, I couldn't stop myself from running away.

Unfortunately, my parents also left me in a car accident. Since I was lonely, I couldn't bear the pain of losing my loved ones. I went into a coma for three years of my life. I was lucky enough to get help from His Majesty's grand fund, helping underprivileged women like me. When I started getting back to normal life, I saw you again. You were in a cafe, writing your notes. I was there watching you. I wanted you to tell me how beautiful I looked when the rays touched my skin and the dimple you adored the most. However, the guilt of running away kept me away from you. I kept glancing at you, and our senior gave you an invitation card. I quickly ran over to her. She excitedly invited me also to our Alumina Gathering. 

I wore the same red dress with a silver watch you had gifted me on our first anniversary. That night when all of our friends waved goodbye, I wanted to stay a little longer with you. And share all the ordeals which I didn’t want to remember after that.

You see, I was selfish that I cared only about my problems and tried to fix them alone. In that process, I created trouble in your life. Please never blame yourself for the mistake I made. I always repent for only if I had made a single call that would have changed our fate. I never gave you the priority of taking care of me. I want you to be happy now. Don’t think that I took your happiness along with me. My heart is filled with contentment after meeting you again. With your good memories, I am getting married tomorrow. Please take care of yourself and move on.

Yours sincerely

Yangchen."

How gullible I was dreaming about the things that were never meant to happen. I have wasted my energy and time on the women who didn’t even care about my feelings. I was ready to start all over and trying to create happy moments that were never meant to happen. I was obsessed with solving problems between us only to realize it would never get mended.

I couldn't hold my breath. Tears weren't enough to express how hurt I was to believe the fact that she was gone again and this time forever.