Instictive knowledge

For years, I could barely write a page. I become a virtuoso of mediocrity, spiraling into smallness at a rapid pace. Sadness occupied the greater volume of me, making me travel through empty and long-abandoned rooms.

A long time ago I set my dreams aside to become something else. Everybody always stated how I saw things wrong, and if I didn´t agree with their claims fast enough, I would suffer a barrage of degrading insults. The B-word proudly led the parade.

I let myself fall victim to the suffocating traps of society and suffocating cultural standards.

Survival is concerned with continuity, yet; had I had the balls to listen to myself, my inner voice, my intuition….

I played for safety, and that is the most dangerous thing in the world. Most people in the modern world have resigned to a clichéd existence, indulging in endless distractions, to avoid having to grasp the emptiness in their lives. Endlessly haunted by the shallowness of their relationships and unable to escape stifling loneliness.

I carried big and oppressive core beliefs around for a long time and relied on others for validation. I was lost! Dead inside. No zest for life. I was disconnected from myself. This left me anxious, depressed, and chronically dissatisfied with life.

One day I woke up, and everything was black as the dark of night. literally! I had lost my eyesight. Emotional exhaustion was the doctor´s diagnosis,

I walked around in shock for a few days, wallowing in self-pity and helplessness. It made me feel very vulnerable, and this to me meant: danger! All my life, just being me or who I truly am, was a hazardous occupation or rather state of being.

I soon came to discover that things became so much clearer. When I couldn´t see the world through my eyes, I looked for a way back to my inner world. The outer world was no longer able to prevent me from contacting me, with distractions.

I always was considered peculiar, strange, unconventional, eccentric- and my favorite: nor aligned! I saw this as a flaw. It made me feel deficient and fundamentally lacking: a failure as a human being.

I became a real expert at succeeding to fail. I even perfectioned it to a form of art.

I think everybody would agree with me, that there is a difference between vision and sight. Sight enables us to see the physical world, while vision sees beyond its illusions. Sight enables us to take the physical world in, so we can participate in it (or create the illusion that we do so.) with knowledge.

Being able to perceive colors and shapes and a myriad of wonders of nature, through our eyes brings pleasure, sometimes immeasurable. Eyesight allows us to see what is coming towards us, which way we are going, where we are standing. It gives a sense of control (or again the illusion of it),

Vision comes from inside and shows us how to navigate through the territory of thought and feeling. The darkness that engulfed my eyesight, led me to turn inside, call upon my intuition and let it carry me beyond the realm I could see with my eyes. Vision had to become my way of seeing.

I had silenced my intuition and my inner voice for so long, it went dormant. I had come to look down upon intuition. As far as I was concerned, it had always led me in the wrong direction.

But it didn´t. By far, it didn´t!

I ignored my intuition, wilfully. I paid more attention to unwanted guests between my ears. 

I have been seen as a condemnable intruder for so long, my inner voice took over the voice of the uninvited guests. Those voices were intrusive and playing on ground where they had no business, to begin with! They had invaded my inner world.

I could see that clearly now. I was no longer in a position to use my so-called failure as a justification for minimizing the capacity to empower myself.

This pain had to be overcome! I needed to reconnect with the deepest, rarest, most alive, and fundamental part of myself – even if it went so dormant it had begun to claim nonexistence. It was high time to wake it up. It was five to midnight.

It took some high-level negotiation to convince myself that there was no shame to this. 

The uninvited guests in my head shouted a whole array of diminishing and destructive ideas into my head, to persuade me to crawl back into the dark into the black hole that was my comfort zone.

The truth is that most people are lost souls. They have never dared to dip into the vast waters of their true nature. I had to start by dismantling my ego, and descend into limbo where the lost souls dwell, find mine, and retrieve it.

It was not an easy undertaking. I constantly felt lethargic and tired. I was not motivated but was restless at the same time. I was irritable, unhappy, and alone. Violent mood switches overtook me, I felt broken and bored. Stuck and stranded, empty… and above all, I loathed myself.

I decided to make solitude my ally and took a deep dive. I let my intuition guide me: I gave it carte blanche to guide me to the center of my being: my true nature.

We have all been in positions where we felt out of place, or not accepted for whatever reason. I recognized that for me, this had been my life. I realized that I am not an innocent. I have made some pretty serious mistakes in my life. (But so does everyone else, right?)

I had to stop clinging to the past and open myself to being more. I had to learn the art of letting go!

The human soul still retains its innate fundamentally wild nature, that essence immune to domestication. Not as in feral or uncontrollable, but beautifully wild in the sense that our center cannot fully be subjugated. It remains essentially free!

-“Listen to your soul!” my intuition whispered at first, and as its voice grew louder it continued: “Listen carefully and the world will surrender!”

I handed the reigns to my intuition to lead me into a conversation with my soul.

-“Soul, what is it that you want? What is it that you need?” intuition asked.

-“I am guilty of being flawed and imperfect.” Soul sobbed.

-“That´s okay. Don´t you see that you are a witness through which the universe becomes conscious of its magnificence.?”

Soul didn´t answer, it remained quiet for a while. 

-“I am sick.” Soul started speaking again.

-“No!” intuition replied, “You are only tired. Tired of the rawness of the so-called real. You are tired of having to suffocate in a box and pretend nothing hurts. You are tired of being tagged with oppressive labels, which condemn your fire and your passion. Your slumber has its genesis in language. Your cornea reshaped all those words and mistook them for the truth.

Don´t put your trust in the dark label that has been entrusted onto you. It is not your name! You have succumbed, you shrank, you disappeared. There is still a candle hidden somewhere, go find it and rekindle it!

You have been held hostage for way too long. Remove the clutter now! Away with all the punishment, abuse, and torture.” Intuition ordered.

-“It´s bewildering.” Soul cried “it pierces my heart with sorrow.”

-“Find that candle, soul! And light it.” Intuition said. “What you feel now, is shame. It can not thrive in the light. Find that candle! Soften what is hard and warm what is cold.”

After a short silence, soul turned to me and said: “You can never change the past, no matter how hard you wish to erase the pain or recover lost years. You have exhausted yourself, rattling the bars of the past. You are out of deals to make with the future. I found the candle in the place where you have never been wounded. I lit the candle, never allow it to snuff out again.

I felt my bulletproof identity crumble. I felt relieved. I felt free.

-“isn´t it beautiful?” Soul asked, “To be an ocean hidden within a drop?”

I dwell on the fringes now? They can call me eccentric all they want. Maybe I was born a contrarian. But I know now who I am and what I stand for. It´s not sad to go alone. It´s a gateway to freedom.

I no longer feel the need to play by the rules of the family or society and its oppressive culture. I challenge the status quo. I am no longer trying to be someone I am not. I am fear, but I am also strength. Give heed to me!

I honor my intuition. I celebrate the fire in my soul. I am ready to embrace the best version of myself!