THE CAROUSEL

On a recent trip to the mall,  Maggie was happy to see the new carousel feature was in operation.  She passed by it three times before finally deciding she was not too old for a ride.  Some people may think her stupid for riding with so many younger kids but she didn’t care,  she wanted to do it.  It did take her three times standing to watch, and then changing her mind,  before she actually decided to get in line.

Finally in line, Maggie stood transfixed.  The colorful animals whirling by, the fun music and the happy faces of the riders.  The  carousel began to slow at last,  Maggie knew it would stop soon and being in the front of the line for next riders,  she knew the time to choose was near.  With each revolution she looked at the animals,  some moving up and down and others stationary, all painted in fanciful colors and decorations.   She loved the strutting ostrich,  the prancing horses,  roosters and yes, one of her favorites , the giraffe.  It was always this way with her,  deciding one moment only to change her mind in the next moment.   She had a terrible time with all decisions, even small inconsequential  ones like the carousel.  Why was she so afraid of making a mistake?   It was only a ride on a carousel after all, she wasn’t buying her first car or anything important.

Finally slowing and then coming to a complete stop,  the attendant took great care escorting current riders off a ramp to the rear and then would be coming to open the gate.   Yes,  the white horse with the bright red saddle and the lavender feather plume.   She was trying to think of a good name for such a spirited looking animal when at last the gate was opened and the attendant took her ticket.  Excited Maggie started toward the fine looking horse but as she passed the purple llama,  she hesitated just for a second wondering if this might be a better choice and a tall skinny boy behind her slipped by and claimed the white horse.   Darn,  turning back to the purple llama she found it also now had a rider.   Where is the giraffe?  Darn, on the other side!

Now she scolds herself,  “Hurry Maggie or you will be sitting in a coach seat like the old Grandmas tending little ones.”    Just at the last second she grabbed on to the rooster who did not go up and down but at least she had an animal.  Maggie felt totally let down and even worse she was sick of letting life slip by because of indecision.  Around and around she went, each revolution reinforcing her disappointment in herself.   She was truly a mess,  but why?  What happens to her brain?

Needless to say it was not the most fun ride but soon she gave herself over to the music and tried to imagine herself going up and down.  It was hard not to enjoy the carousel music.

Finally her poor excuse for a fine adventure was over,  the music winding down in volume and the carousel slowing to a stop.  She watched the skinny boy slide off the horse and it made her very sad.  

Making her way across the mall,  she bought a soft drink and found a quiet corner to sit and watch the other shoppers.   Her mind returned again and again to the stupid ride or more exactly to the stupid way she had of screwing things up.  She knew what her first choice was, why not just go there?  Go with direction and purpose instead of the hesitation that caused her to lose all of her choices and end up on a non moving rooster.

Telling herself it was not rocket science to see that this hesitation would continue to be a problem for her whole life, unless she figured out a solution and then began to take charge of things.  Be positive!  Go forward with a sure step!   Maggie already knew this was easier said than done!  Was something lacking in her basic chemistry that kept her from confident specific decisions?  So many decisions were ahead,  scrimp and save for college or get a job and get on with life.   A visible shudder shook her when the thought of choosing a husband entered her mind.  She must find a method,  painless and positive,  did such a method or skill exist?  

As Maggie sat there,  she tried to rationalize how things had really gone.  Maybe things weren’t so bad,  maybe she just exeragerated  everything.  She asked herself then,  what if the ride on the rooster was really more fun,  what if she had made the right choice after all?   What if?  What if?  How did one know?   She had no trouble ordering her soda or choosing where to sit.  Maybe it was all about the excitement!  The excitement created the indecision but excitement is what spurs us on,  it is the sparkle in otherwise dull days.  Would she be required to give up the sparkle, the excitement just to make calm positive decisions?

Sitting here in the mall Maggie makes a promise to herself!   NO MORE INDECISIVE BEHAVIOR!   She feels better than she has for a long time.  She feels like someone or something has switched on her decision switch.  Problem solved!

Maggie makes her way through the mall again and stops by the carousel.  She watches for a while  evaluating the beauty of the horse versus the fun character of the purple llama.  She realizes after her choice was finally made some doors had opened and others had closed,  maybe it wasn’t really a choice at all but just the way things progressed like marbles or steel balls falling through the springs and gates of a pinball machine.   Each gate sending the ball off in unpredictable angles rebounding again and again until the momentum was lost.   Maybe there really is no real choice in anything!   Stop decision making such a big deal.  Trust fate!  

As Maggie walks out of the mall she must decide if she wants to go home or call a friend and meet up for a sandwich.  Home?   Sandwich?  Home or sandwich?  Oh my gosh…..indecision has struck again!

Questions?   indecision?    Will it ever end?