It all ends with yes

Trigger warning: Abuse

It’s fascinating how I once again find myself freezing outside my own house, with the echo of the porch door slammed shut still ringing in my ears. I forgot to bring a jacket, and there is no way I’m getting back in again. I fled from the chaos that our fight had created, thoughts rising, scared and angry. Something to keep me warm definitely wasn’t my top priority, which I’m now regretting. I need to get going. It’s impossible to know what might happen if I stay. Last time was terrible, sure, but there is no way that what’s just been said, or done, can be fixed. We were hardly able to patch back ourselves then. With the damage that’s just been made, there is no possibility. As the adrenaline leaves my body, the previous emotional numbness follows with it. Sadness hits me like a punch in the throat. I look down at the frost-covered path as my vision gets blurry, but I keep walking. As I drag myself along our neighborhood, the same thought keeps forcing itself into my brain. Was this the last straw? A deep terror for a life without him, an ache for his love seattles in. The night is dark, but the moon almost beams with light. Has it ever been this bright before? Maybe it has, but I’ve been too caught up in my head to notice. It’s beautiful here, and it’s quiet, really quiet. No cars, no birds, and definitely no humans. Usually I would find this relaxing, being completely alone. Knowing that this silence, this complete calm, is only for me to experience. But as I walk without destination, shaking from the cold with tears running down my cheeks, the loneliness feels like thick walls, slowly closing in. I’m trapped in these walls, this emptiness, and I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever get out. 

My mother once said to me; the ones we love the most are the ones who can hurt us the worst. And so she made me promise never to let myself love before I knew they felt the same connection. I should have listened, god I should have fled long before all this. I miss her, I always miss her, now more than ever. Someone to trust, somebody who needs nothing in return, where I could go to feel safe again, if just for a moment. As a kid I thought mom was overprotective, even annoying how she’d insist on knowing everything about me, where I went, who I was with and what I did. Now I understand she was afraid, afraid of how this world might hurt me. She wanted to keep me safe, protect me from the evil of this world. And now she’s gone, forever. I’m shaking uncontrollably, trying to keep my teeth from chattering against each other. The usually busy road I’m following hasn’t had that many drivers, some cars have passed, but mostly it’s just me. The plan I have in mind isn’t superb, not even good, but it’ll work. After reaching the gas station near our house, I remembered that I actually have somewhere to go, at least for tonight. Gabriel and I haven’t talked in years. He left shortly after I met John, my fiance, but he told me that if I ever needed anything, anything at all, I could just call. And since I don’t have my phone, well, there won’t be much calling. 

*

It’s not before I knock on the door that I realise he might not live here anymore. Why would he? The place is a shithole, a temporary solution for a poor teenager. He moved in here when he was 18, after his parents kicked him because he was “too lazy” and needed to “get a grip”. Luckily he found this apartment for a really low price, otherwise he would’ve been homeless. Doubt starts to form and I turn around, but before I could start walking away, the door opened. 

“Sandra?” Gabriel’s voice is raspy and low

I spin on my heel to face him. His dark hair is buzzed, and he’s got a 5 o’clock stubble, but except that he looks the same. His deep brown eyes are piercing straight through me. I feel uncomfortable, it’s like he can read me just by a glance. 

When I don’t answer, he continues.

“What are you doing here, I haven’t seen you in years?”

I see the look of horror when his gaze finds my throat, where I tried the best I could to hide the marks of his fingers. Purple and blue bruises that are sore to the touch. He opens the door wide and pulls me inside. He can’t stop staring at me, so I finally speak. 

“I need you to help me, if that’s something you still want to do.” 

“What happened to you?” His voice is desperate. 

“Was it him, John? I knew he was trouble” 

Tears threaten to surface once more. My tongue feels too thick, the task of speaking too tall. I nod instead. Gabriel takes a deep breath, steps forward, and embraces me. My composure bursts. I can’t hold it in anymore. I cry in his arms, and even though the pressure against my sore skin hurts, it’s so nice to finally be held. 

*

Gabriel sits me down on the couch, soft cushions and the smell of old textile somehow calms me down a bit. The fear and hurt sinks in my stomach, falls to the bottom where it lays like a boulder. Impossible to move and heavy to carry. He is sitting at my right in an armchair, with his elbows against his knees, leaning forward. He looks so steady, gathered. His focus is completely set on me, as if there was nothing else in this world. It pins me down. 

“Could you please tell me about it?” He begs.

“If you feel comfortable of course, I don’t want to force anything.”

I look him up and down, remembering how close we used to be. Even though there is a distinct gap between us, from lives lived apart, I feel so close to him. Like I can trust him, trust him for real this time, not like I trusted John. That was never really like that, it was a reliance, something I thought I needed to survive. Even after everything he’s done, my heart still aches from the knowledge that there might not be an us anymore.  

“It wasn’t always like this,” I start.

John proposed on a fresh August afternoon. We sat on the mountain where me and my family always used to hike, looking out over the stunning view. The river glistened as the sun set, covering the valley before us in shadows. After an incredible adventure in the magnificent landscape, where I felt more connected to him than I’d ever been before, he got down on one knee. He gave me sweet promises, wonderful words, and a look so pure I believed every word he said. I knew then and there that this was the man I wanted near me for the rest of my life. 

Only a few months later it started, first the shouting. Minor mistakes that most people wouldn’t even bring up made him scream at me, like I was a dog in need of training. The first time he laid his hands on me was when I came home late after a night out with my girlfriends. 

“Where have you been?” he almost roared.

“I was just out with Sam and Kate, I told you that” it came out as a whisper, his angry tone had scared me. 

He pushed me against the wall and pinned me to it with his big hand on my chest. The force almost made me lose my breath. He stared at me with pure disgust, a look I’d grown used to.

“What have I said about arriving this late?” He spoke slowly now. 

Too scared to speak, I said nothing. This made him more frustrated. He hit his fist hard in the wall behind me, inches from my face. 

“You do as I say, you hear me?”

I nodded, but he wasn’t done yet. Just as I thought he was going to release me, he raised his palm and slapped me hard across the face. He left me there, sobbing on the floor. 

Gabriel looks terrified, and I can tell he’s trying to contain his rage by the way he fidgets with his hands. 

“What happened this time?” he says through gritted teeth.

Memories flash by like a movie on rewind. My stomach tightens once again. 

“He had a bad day at work, wanted to…” My voice breaks. I hate how pathetic I sound.

“To punch out the fury. It’s not unusual for him to make me pay for others’ stupidity.” 

“He grabbed my neck and tried to choke me, then threw me on the ground just to kick the living crap out of me” I almost chuckle harshly when I say it. 

“I nearly lost consciousness. While I laid there, he went up to grab a beer. I managed to get on my feet and ran out, slamming the door.”

He stays quiet for a minute. I can practically see his brain working to progress this information. Finally he speaks.

“Are you going to leave him?” He can’t hide his bitterness and the words come out sharp. 

I sniffle, unsure of what to say. That’s the question that has been stuck in my mind, not just tonight, but since it all began. When I sat with my back against the wall crying until there were no tears left, too empty to care. That was more than a year ago. I have let it continue although I wanted nothing more than to feel safe again. The fear has been picking me apart, slowly deconstructing everything I thought I was until the only thing left was that ignorant wish for the love we used to have. Because some part of me still hoped that this was the last time. That John would change, change for me. The love did not blind me. I could see his evil, but I was bound to him, our bond too strong for me to break. There is something about the look on Gabriel’s face that makes me realize that this isn’t fixable, we can’t mend the link between us, it’s been severed a long time ago. The attachment we had is long gone. He has ripped it apart without ever caring what’s left behind. I think back to Gabriel’s question and the answer is crystal clear.

“Yes” The word comes out strong, and I’ve never felt more certain of anything before. 

There are so many obstacles that come with this “yes”, many hard conversations, lots of memories to relive and so many practical managements that need to be made. Where will I live? Will it help? Will I ever find love again? And though I’m scared, completely horrified, I know that this is what I deserve. I deserve to live fearless and it’s only me who can make that happen. Because it’s time for me to be the one I’ve always longed for.