Trying To Swim Through

CW: contains themes of mental health and attempted suicide.

He’s my brother.

He’s the smart one, the responsible one, the one who you’d trust to leave at home over the weekend and to keep everything in order.

He’s my brother.

He’s the one who helps people without being asked to, the one who cares, the one who doesn’t ask for anything but is offered everything.

He’s my brother.

He’s the one that I’m always compared to, the one everyone says I should be like, The one that shines like a perfect fucking diamond and burns bright while I can only smolder.

He’s my brother and my only sibling.

He’s all I have left but he’s all I want to shed.

My brother, this town, this world.

But I can’t because that could cause problems for him, throw him off his game, make him upset. I’m supposed to be his Rock. So why am I the one who is looking up to him?

I blink the tears from my eyes and curl deeper into the darkness. I can never outrun him. He’s my baby brother, and he’s always 5 steps ahead of me.

He wakes me up just in time, so I don’t miss the only bus that goes from here to my college in the city. He hands me some cash so I can get lunch later.

I never fucking asked for his charity.

He smiles, tells me to have a good day. He cracks some stupid ass joke and laughs. I have to chuckle at least or mom will somehow know.

I slam the door behind me, annoyed and tired and done with the day and I haven’t even been up for 20 minutes yet. He peeks his head out the door, bagel and my bag in hand. I groan internally and take it from him. He doesn’t offer me the bagel since he knows I don’t eat breakfast.

My brother, look at him. So kind.

A professor comes to me after one of my classes and asks me if my brother, Calvin, studies here. I shake my head and flick my hair out of my eyes. The professor asks if he plans on doing college. I shrug,

‘My brother doesn’t tell me a lot of things like that, sir.’

The professor nods and hands me a flyer. ‘In case Calvin wants to try out for the engineering scholarship,’ he clarifies, as if I didn't know who works with robots and sh-t and who doesn’t. Like I’m an idiot or something. ‘Or you could, but Calvin’s work is astounding.’

I shove the thing in my bag and head out of the area. Maybe I’ll throw it away and Calvin will never find it. Maybe I’ll try it out. But I know I won’t. I’m too stupid for that engineering sh-t.

I’ll just give it to Cal, I think, even though I don’t want to.

When I walk in the door, Calvin greets me like I’m his favourite person in the world. I know it’s fake enthusiasm, and somehow that’s worse than not getting a greeting at all.

‘Tough day at college, big bro?’

‘Average.’ I grunt out. Calvin looks up from his homework, bright hazel eyes worried.

‘Need anything?’ I look at him, hoping he understands the glare that I’m giving him right now. What the glare means and how I actually feel. But he looks at me, nods and offers me a smile. ‘It’ll get better, big bro. Don’t worry.’

Like I need your words of affirmation, Calvin. I hate that he can have such a positive outlook on everything meanwhile I, the firstborn, has to see the world in rolling and roiling blacks and whites. I do not see the colours that Calvin sees. I see the shadows of all the bad things and I had to learn to be okay with that.

I have to be okay with that.

‘I made dinner!’ Calvin calls to me from beyond my bedroom walls. ‘I know you didn’t have a good day, so I made your favourite, Andie.’

In a sing-song voice, he adds, ‘Tacos!’

God, what a fucking saint. I bet he made them just like mom. And I know he’ll say it like it’s a good thing too, like she isn’t my least favourite person, like she didn’t kick me out, like her and dad just forced me to take care of my only sibling who thinks he’s a fucking saviour.

‘Thanks.’ I say, loud enough for him to hear I said something. Rolling my eyes, I finish my YouTube video and then groggily get out of bed. Before I leave, that small shred of love for my brother makes me get that college engineering thing out of my bag and take it with me.

Calvin is at the coffee table with the food. He has the TV on and Inuyasha is playing low. He scoots over and pats the cushion next to him. I huff and sit down. We make our food and after a minute, I pull the college thing out of my pocket, setting it to the left of my plate.

‘Cal, some professor gave me this today, said you might want to look at it.’

‘Really? That’s cool,’ He picks it up, setting his phone down and pausing the show. He reads over it and looks at me, a smile on his face. ‘This is pretty great. Thanks, Andie.’

I nod.

He turns off the TV and turns to me. ‘Are you sure you’re okay? You seem off,’

‘I’m fine.’ I snap. Cal looks at me, knowing that I’m not fine, that I’m not okay. I think he knows that I haven’t been fine for a while.

Calvin’s phone dings multiple times and I’m pretty sure that it’s his date to the winter formal, but he ignores it and looks at me. ‘You gon’ get that, Cal?’ I ask.

He shakes his head. ‘We’re eating together. I told Ryeo earlier, probably just sent me reels, or shorts,’

‘Get your phone. What if it’s something about the dance? What if Ryeo has to cancel?’

‘It’s fine.’ Cal looks at me. In the setting sun that slants in from the windows, his hazel eyes turn to gold. His skin is a soft glowing olive and his hair, more black and way shinier than mine could ever be.

It’s so annoying, he won the fucking genetic lottery. He has the good looks of both Mom and Dad, while I have their worst. Saggy, yellowing, pale skin pocked with acne, dull almond sky blue eyes that look more like dirty ice then the sky and a mop of unremarkable brown hair. I almost don’t look like them.

Oh wait… I don’t look like either of my parents.

‘Andie,’ he says in that way of his that makes it seem like I’m the younger sibling. I lower my gaze. ‘Hey, what’s got you so upset?’

‘Nothing. Eat your food. Watch your show.’ I say even though I know he won’t listen. He wants to make sure I’m okay but I don’t want to tell him that I hate how different we are, I hate how much better he is than me. I can’t tell him, I wouldn’t know how even if I wanted to.

‘I’m here for you,’

Oh my fucking god.

‘I love you and I just want to help you.’

Such a fucking saint, you are, Calvin.

‘If there is something going on at college or whatever or it’s money, I can help.’

But I don’t want or need your assistance.

‘You haven’t seemed yourself since Mom kicked you out,’

Ya’think?

‘And I know it hit you hard when dad removed you from the will and all,’

Hit me hard? Son of a bitch fucking disowned me in front of the school.

‘And then, I moved in.’

And then you moved in. You did and in the process, with or without meaning to, you threw my failures back in my face.

‘If you need to, I’m open to talking. I’ll listen to your side of everything. I’m not great at everything,’

Oh shut the fuck up and spare me the humility, Cal.

‘But I am a great listener.’

I bet you are. You’re great at everything you do.

‘I’m here. And I will listen to you without judgement.’

Gold star for you, Calvin.

I can see it in his eyes. My silence makes him nervous. I scoff, low and pissed. The longer I stay quiet, the more worried and nervous he becomes.

‘Andie, talk to me.’

Okay. You want me to talk? I’ll talk.

I nod and scoff. My scoff turns into a low chuckle. ‘You want me to talk to you? Okay, Calvin, okay. Let’s go over what you said, alright?’

I set my plate down and turn to face him.

‘That’s fine, Andie,’

‘Alright. Look. First, you said that you’re not great at everything- that’s a whole ass lie. You have all the talent and you didn’t leave any for anyone else. You said you love me and want to help, well, I don’t think I ever asked for your help or love.

‘I’m not upset because dad took me out of the will, I wasn’t in it from the beginning. I’m not upset because your mom kicked me out. That’s not the issue.

‘number three. I may tolerate you, because you’re my brother, but I never fucking wanted you here. This was my flat and I was finally free of everything to do with your mom and dad, and then one day, totally unannounced…’

I look up, hoping the hatred in my eyes is obvious.

‘You showed up.’ My voice is quiet and low. Calvin drops his head.

‘I’m sorry, Andie, Mom never asked me if it was okay with me as well.’

‘She never needed to ask you, she needed to ask me. This was my flat, my home and you ruined it all. Why are you even here?’

Calvin is silent. I wouldn’t blame him. If someone said that to me, I wouldn’t know how to respond.

‘I don’t want to sound rude, but why in the world did she drop you off here? With me of all people, Calvin?’

I can feel the tears in my eyes but I can’t let him see them, so I lower my head. ‘Did your mom tell you that she was dropping you off, or was it just as sudden as when you appeared on my doorstep?’

‘She told me that I was going to live with a relative. She never told me it was you.’

His voice sounds bitter to me but I don’t know if I’m imagining it. Part of me wants him to be bitter and upset at me for hating him, because then it would be easier than him loving me. ‘I didn’t want to come here because I knew that Mom hated you,’

Damn, that’s a slap to my face, I think even though I know that she has hated me for a long, long time. ‘And I didn’t want her to hate me for living with you. Mom told me I was moving in with someone so I was closer to the high school I’m going to, then the transportation would be easier.’

I blink, refusing to let tears fall.

‘What?’ My voice is low and angry. ‘She forced me to take care of you… and only to make things easier for you?’

‘That’s what she said.’ Silence radiated between us. ‘When I saw your name on the mailbox, she said that I was only there so things would be easier for me and that, if I just ignored you, then it would be like I had the flat to myself.’

‘That’s it. I’m done. I’m tired and through with all of this.’

‘What do you mean, Andie?’ I stand up and walk over to the coat rack, shrugging on a dark basil sweater. I reach over to the shoe shelf and slip on my pair of navy blue converse. ‘Where are you going?’ Out of the corner of my eyes, Calvin stands and follows me to the door.

‘I’m done. I don’t want you here, I don’t even want to be here anymore.’

‘Andie, don’t leave. We can work through thi-’

‘No.’ I whirl around and dig through my pocket, taking out my house keys and handing them to him. ‘Mom wants you to be closer to the school, wants you to ignore me and pretend that this flat is yours. Okay, fine. Take the keys, take the flat.’ I open the door and step outside. ‘I’m not going to be the afterthought in my own home.’

‘Andie, come back!’ I hear him call for me but I just keep walking, ignoring his calls. I don't want to see him again.

The water is frigid and icy, but so calming. It feels like I’m floating, like I’m flying, like I’m the only one who exists. This is a good feeling. My lungs start to burn, telling me to take a breath but I don’t. I don’t want to.

I want to float- shedding him from me

I want to fly- shedding myself from this town

I want to be the only one who exists- the world is gone

Alone, so I am not an afterthought.

Then a face flashes in my mind as I let out my last breath. Hazel eyes, wavy blonde hair and olive skin. It’s mom. I can hear her voice in my mind. ‘This is so like you, Andie. Quitting when the going gets rough.’

NO.

I am not going to quit.

I surge to the surface, coughing and spitting, my vision swimming. Then a tall man with green eyes, black hair and a deep bronze tan speaks. ‘You’re a failure, Andie. You couldn’t even do this right.’

I am not going to do this. Air rushes through my lungs, almost tasting sweet. I need to breathe. I need to breathe.

‘Calvin….’

Dinggdongg, The doorbell rings in the silence of the night. I never wanted to be back here, but there was a tiny shed of hope that something could change.

A muffled Andie, is that you? Comes through the other side. I shiver, realizing how cold I am for the first time since I left. I look down at my feet, which are sopping wet. The door flings open and my brother is standing in front of me, worry and relief on his face.

‘Andie…’ before I can say anything, he wraps me up in a hug. I freeze up, unsure of what to do. When he finally pulls away, he looks at my eyes. I see tears welling in his hazel ones. ‘Why are you wet, Andie? What happened?’

‘I didn’t want to be an afterthought,’ I mumble. Calvin pulls me inside and sits me down at the table. He then goes about making a pot of tea, busily moving about the small kitchen, hands shaking. When he’s done, he sits in front of me, handing me a warm cup, steam still rising from it. He doesn’t say anything so neither do I.

‘Why are you wet?’ He finally asks, his voice tired.

‘I…I went swimming.’ He looks at me like I am crazy. ‘In the river. I went swimming.’ My brother’s face blanches.

‘Don’t say…. You didn’t try to…’ I can’t stop the tears, however hard I try. He gets up and hugs me, slowly rocking back and forth.

‘I didn’t want to be the afterthought anymore, the second choice.’ I choke out, covering my face. ‘I didn’t want to do it anymore… so I just went swimming.’

‘You…are not an afterthought. You are my brother and my first choice to keep breathing.’

He’s my brother.

And I’m his first choice to keep on breathing.