Traumatized

TRIGGER WARNING!! Consists of mentioning physical abuse, violence, suicidal thoughts/actions, sexual assault/abuse. If any of these things cause you to feel uncomfortable do NOT read this passage. Please read with caution!!!

Have you ever had something so terrible happen to you, that it was hard to let go of the pain and guilt? I definitely have. My mother and father were married for thirteen years. They got married while my father was incarcerated for illegal drugs such as methanphetines, opioids and marijuana.

I was physically and emotionally abused by my biological father. My father was a hefty man that stood around six foot two and weighed around three hundred and fifty pounds. My mother is six foot and around one hundred and twenty pound. My father was in a gang named The Aryan Brotherhood. The Aryan Brotherhood is a gang of dangerous racists human beings that thrive off of hatred. I remember my father carving the nazi symbol into the wall, while he was on one of his drug induced paranoia adventures.

My father would beat my sister, mother and I until we were crying and begging for mercy. I can recall one incident that took place when my sister was around the age of five. My father was advancing towards my mother with a firearm in hand. My sister had stood in between my mother and him. He pushed my sister out of the way and she flew against the wall. One incident that took place was when he was high on fentanyl. He had a large silver knife in his hand and he ripped all of the cushions in the couch and chairs. He swore that my mom was hiding someone in them. My father swore that he kept hearing things in the attic and walls. He genuinely scared nine year old me. It was terrifying! That fear is still inside me and it affects my everyday life.

I was around the age of ten or eleven when I began to despise my father for what he was doing and every single one of his actions. I can recall my sister and I on our knees in front of him begging and pleading with him to get off the drugs and to actually love us. His response to our outcry was “I can quit anytime I want, I just don’t want to!” That pierced my heart like a dagger. That was when I realized, he will always choose drugs over his family. That is why I find it so hard to let go and forgive him for his transgressions.

I began to blame myself for the abuse. I would ask myself “Why didn’t you do more to help?” “Why couldn’t you have been a better daughter?” These questions I continue to ask myself began to be too much to bare. I started to self harm in the sixth grade. I remember saying to myself after each cut “you deserve this!” I would cry myself to sleep every night. This is one of the main reasons I’m struggling to let go of the hurt and pain my father had caused me.

I grew up and my mother finally divorced him, but I still have hatred in my soul. The mere mention of his name can bring me into a full blown angry outburst. I could slam doors, punch walls and even bring harm to the ones I truly love. It’s hard for me to let go of all of the ways he has let me down. The multiple ways he has caused so much of pain, is seemingly unforgivable.

After almost a full year of being divorced from my father, my mother met Chris. Chris was more than aware of what my sister, mother and I had to endure. He was sensitive to it all at first. He would say things like “you didn’t deserve what you went through.” He seemed to truly care about us. Until he didn’t. My mom and Chris were married for an estimated time of two years when Chris asked to adopt my sister and I. We enthusiastically agreed, ignorant of what was to come. After the adoption fell through, he turned into a completely different person. It began with the sexual comments about my body. He would say things like “you look really good in that bathing suit!” It made me uncomfortable, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to ruin my mother’s marriage. I refused to be the reason for her to divorce the man the truly thought she loved. It was this way of thinking that made me not want to speak up about what was happening to me. It was this way of thinking that made me resent myself for everything happening to me.

The comments began to become more often and more inappropriate. Such as “When are you going to give me head?” I just ignored it until it got to be too much. I moved out of my mother’s house at sixteen years old. I was living with my grandmother when I finally told my mom. She was furious, but she didn’t have any proof. My mother grew more and more suspicious with Chris and finally, she confronted him.

Quite a few months later, my mother had found out the horrific news. Chris had been sexually abusing my sister since she was twelve years old. That was the last straw for my mother and our family. My mom kicked Chris out of the house and they are in the middle of a divorce. My mother, sister, grandmother and I find it extremely difficult to let go and forgive my father and my step father for the trauma we all had to encounter. So you see, there are many reasons why someone physically can’t or won’t forgive someone and just let go of their unforgivable actions. It’s difficult to speak to someone about how you feel because most of the time you get the same answer: “You should just forgive and forget.” It doesn’t work that way. It takes time and healing before you can truly let go of something so painful and disturbing.