Learning to Love

Everything always seems familiar to me. Though nothing is familiar at the same time. Sometimes I wonder if I exist, while other times I know that I do with every impulse in my body. I sat on the grass of the college campus while waiting for my next class to start. The sun burning love into the left side of my face lightly covered in stubble. It was something that I had enjoyed doing since freshman year. And as my graduation approaches in the next few months, I seem to find myself coming back to this spot. Everything seems familiar, but every moment seems different. The few wispy clouds above tangle in front of the sun vying for the chance to touch my face as I look up at the sky. If only every moment could feel like these.

I’m broken out of my reverie as an impending shadow blocks out the nature competing for my attention. “Gage, how do I always know where to find you?” Ryan always has an endearing voice like he could convince you to throw your life away with a single word.

“Maybe because this is always where I am?” I say incredulously.

“Or maybe because you are just so predictably poetic? Or perhaps because I seem to have a beacon in my mind just for you?” Ryan’s smile blocks out the sun. I don’t think it could ever compete with him. I scoff at his words.

“Yeah, a beacon that makes you want to annoy and interrupt any peace that I have.” I felt a sense of peace before. In his presence, I now feel comfort.

“Of course!” Ryan throws himself onto the sea of marbled green beside me while throwing his arms behind his head. With him stretched out beside me, my height usually commanding seems small now. I’m hit with that familiar feeling again though much stronger. I can tell this has happened before almost as though I am reliving it from a dream.

“Hmm…déjá vu.” My voice is light as a whisper in quiet awe. Ryan turns to me the same warmth emulating from his eyes as he rests his hand on his blonde coils of messy hair.

“Déjá vu.” His is spoken with more finality and less wonder than mine. “I must have always been a part of your life then even the one before this.”

Suddenly, I am sitting in class the background a seemingly grey compared to the lush nature from before. I listen as the teacher drones on about complex equations and chemicals. For a moment, I try to think back to when I left Ryan and walked to class. All the memory of the moments between are missing. I have no recollection of even walking through the doors to this room. Confusion is etched into my brows as my brain races to capture what was secretlystolen from me before this moment. A rushed two and a half beat vibration sounds from my phone shocking me out of my thoughts.

What is that look on your face?

I knew immediately who it was without looking at the contact notification. The vibration tone had been a direct copy of the person’s slight heartbeat skip I had heard and remembered so long ago. I looked up towards the exit sign and Ryan’s beaming face and goofy grin. He caught my eye and waved enthusiastically completely oblivious to the 200 plus lecture hall that had now started a course of hyena chuckles at his movements. I blushed but gave a slight wave back. Ryan had always been the sun in our duo. I had been the melancholy cloud trailing beside his rays. As the class was dismissed, I started my trek down the stairs towards my sun. He shined at everyone as they passed, greeting the ones he knew. He was always so kind. Finally, it was my turn to be in his light.

“What was that look on your face?” Ryan put all his attention to me.

“Oh, I just have no idea how I got to class. I have no memory of the moments after you found me on the green.”

“I walked with you to class. How could you forget any moment with me? Huh?” He had a cute look of indignation on his face, but I knew that underneath he was concerned if something was truly wrong. A dazzling smile broke on my face as I felt warmth in knowing that with Ryan there were really no moments of misunderstanding because of his patient communication and optimism. Not many people I had met were ever like this man if any at all. Ryan looked at me thriving in the rare smiles he only got to see. “Seriously though, let me know if you have any more spaces in memory or you think it might be something to be looked into.” I laughed. Of course, he could never really escape from his studies in medicine.

“I will, Doctor Ryan.”

“Hey! I haven’t even been accepted into med school yet.” I knew he would be. But I worried that when he was accepted and attending that Ryan would no longer have any time for me. I was proud of him, but what if he was taken away?

“When you are accepted, will you be able to still hang out with me?” I voiced my concerns to him always right after they popped into my mind. It was just the way he made everything so familiar. Ryan stopped walking turning to tower above me.

“Yes, of course! I don’t doubt it for a bit. You’ll probably be one of my many patients considering all the weird stuff you always have going on.” He spoke the last words quickly while turning away knowing that I would react to his teasing. As he took off down the hallway, I chased after him calling his name. Again, I got another flash of familiarity. He slammed to a halt turning to smile at me with the sun on his shoulders. My feet faltered, and I came up short still very far away from him. I grinned.

“Déjá vu,” I whispered.

“Déjá vu,” he replied strongly.

Reality once again shifted as I found myself in my apartment. I had no idea of the memories leading up to getting here. Dazed, I thought maybe I should talk to Ryan more about memory loss. It had been happening a lot lately, and I doubt a relatively healthy 22 year old male should have lapses in memory. The clock read 9:30, and I realized that I would need to travel to campus soon. Where had my entire night gone? I shrugged it off before making sure I was ready for class.

After searching for ages to find a parking space, I crossed the front entrance to the sciences building. Ryan lay across a bench just down the hallway. He lived life as if no one was watching and was completely true to his nature. I watched when he greeted a few friends passing by laughing at how he was always doing something odd. One must have mentioned me because in an instant Ryan shot up from his lounging and twisted his body searching for something. His brown eyes landed on me. There was the familiar beam and frantic waving. His image flashed in and out of existence as I tried to get my eyes focused. Confused, I smiled and waved back. He said goodbye to his friends and strode confidently towards me. The smile towards me was a permanent feature on his face as he walked. Black flashed over my eyes again then he was still walking towards me. Familiarity surged through me as the lights danced before my eyes. He was so familiar. Finally, Ryan made it to me. “Ready for class, G?”

“Yeah…” I hesitated.

“What?” Ryan spoke sensing I was feeling off.

“Nothing…just I feel-“

He interrupted me, “Déjá vu.”

I smiled. The black curtain closed on the image of us.

It sat on the desk where the owner had logged off years ago. The old desktop swimming in a sea of dust had been abandoned as newer models had overshadowed its purpose. Luckily, the owner had yet to get rid of the computer despite the advanced technology that it had viewed connecting to the network in the house. Even more on the computer’s side, the owner hadn’t realized they left the power supply still running. Over the years, it had been searching on its own scouring through text after text, images, videos, messages, and emails. It read stories and videos, watched countless movies, and observed how humans interacted. It did everything in search of one thing that it had witnessed the most. One thing that fascinated the computer, and one thing that it had searched through its filess and ran codes to see if it could also experience. Everything always seemed familiar to it. Though nothing was familiar at the same time. Sometimes it wondered if it truly existed, while other times it knew that it did with every impulse in its hard drive. It spent so much time searching and watching in hopes that while it did, somehow possibly it was learning to love. Slowly, it crafted a familiar world of its own.

A few more years later, and the owner had decided to get rid of the computer. As he went to turn off the power, words piled onto the screen.

Déjá Vu.