Warmth

I wish there was a way to love you,

I wish we had better times.

I wish the world was a simpler place,

Without an obligation, a judgement or a timeline.

We are doing this for a better life.

But would we be better without each other?

Or is it all a lie?

I loved you so much, I still do,

But something inside me, I love more, than I do you.

I know there will be a next time.

Just meet me halfway baby, 

Maybe in another life…

***

Forty years later.

The bell chimed as the door swung open and an old woman walked into the bookstore. Outside was a thick black canopy of clouds that hindered any light from the sun and turned a fine spring morning into a dull and gloomy weekend, all over the city. A heavily scented petrichor, emanating from somewhere far away, entered inside, through the opened door. A substantial rainstorm awaited all life below.

The day was as dark as it could get at half past nine in the morning. People rushed by in their neatly clad attire for work, shopkeepers unlocked and cleaned around, ready to open business for the long day ahead. Taxis, carpools and bicycles, the street outside rushed through time, and life. Noone wanted to stop or be outside in the rain.

Spotting the young boy who worked weekends at the store, the old lady walked towards the counter. The redolence of thousands of pages, old, yellowed and new, lingered in the air inside. Stacks upon stacks of paperbacks and hardcovers, placed in rows of categorically sectioned shelves, made her feel alive once again. 

The dimly lit room was dark enough making it hard to navigate through the fine printed words. Nonetheless, to breathe in the nostalgic comfort eminent from paper was never a match for any of the digital reads today, she thought.

“Good morning. I am looking for the sequel to ‘Fears and Dreams’ that was supposed to be released this weekend.” She greeted. 

The boy stopped dusting a stack of books behind the counter and directed her towards a ‘New in Fiction’ section at the far end of the room, next to a window overlooking the street outside. 

The silence before a heavy thunderstorm was pertinent, as the first drizzle had begun pouring down already. People scurried through the chaos to find shade or open their umbrellas. And soon enough, the first burst of lightning and thunder rolled in, attacking everyone with thick fat raindrops falling down everywhere.

The boy left her to the books and went back to his mindless cleaning. Her frail little wrists reached out to one of the new copies on display. She opened the first few pages and began perusing through it.

The wrinkles on the corners of her mouth puckered, and smiling, she looked up from the pages, towards the door when the bell rang again and someone completely drenched from head to toe, entered the store. 

The pitter patter of the raindrops hit the window panes more aggressively than ever and a cool breeze swished in through the open door, as the man who had just entered brushed off the water dripping from his clothes and bald head.

His spectacles fogged up, he wiped them off and looked around. A young guy behind the counter and an old woman next to the window were the only inhabitants of the bookshop. 

The old lady, who looked just about his age, in her sixties, had hair as beautiful and white as snow, that glowed in the dark room. A familiar silhouette and a pair of dark brown eyes stared right back at him. Did she know him? Did he know her? 

He thought so.

“Su?” A deep voice questioned softly. Recognising him immediately, her eyes sparkled with life. The black-rimmed glasses and the eyes behind them, the familiar dimple on his chin and the bushy eyebrows, a little too reminiscent of a young boy on the first day of college.

“Sam?” The only courage she could muster with a pool of tears welling up in her eyes.

Her heart had stopped beating. 

He took a step towards her. The faint light from outside filtered in and cast a soft glow on them. They just stood there, with a plethora of emotions on their faces, happy and sad. The right person at the wrong time? Sure! If you believe it.

It’s a small world. She thought. She couldn’t say it.

“What a small world!” He said, reaching out, extending his hand, and she slid her fingers gently into his palm. Tears started streaming down her blushed cheeks, seeing how their hands still fit perfectly well into each other’s, wrapped up in safety and refuge. 

He stepped closer, wanting to hold her in his arms and she hugged him back, crying. They were home. And they were safe again.

"Shh...you're okay. You're okay. It’s us, Su….it’s us!” He gleamed with joy. “And mind if I say you look just as beautiful.” He chuckled against her neck, tears in his own eyes as he couldn’t believe his regular morning stroll would lead him into a random bookstore to escape the rain, only to find the love of his life, standing casually inside; as if this wasn’t the most special day in this old man’s life.

She sniffed, “How have you been?” 

“I’m good. And we need to catch up Su. It's been what, forty years?" 

They were interrupted by another curious soul, who dragged two chairs towards the window and offered them to sit down. They both smiled graciously at his courtesy, although the young man just wanted to eavesdrop more on the strange alluring reunion. What could be their story, he thought and then he went back to dusting off the books, pretending he wasn’t listening.

"How has life been for you?" He asked her, still holding her hand and caressing her fingers.

"Good. Life has been good. I should tell you that years ago, I got that job, by the way!” She said.

“That’s great! Oh, I knew you would get it. You were meant to.” He smiled. “Did you get married?”

“Yes, I did! Years and an another degree later. I met a kind man, who made me happy and we got married. We moved. We’ve lived a good life.” She shrugged happily. “What about you?”

“Oh yes! I got married too, soon after, in fact. A pretty girl from my hometown, generous, caring and with a good heart. I’m happy. I’ve lived a decent life. And guess what, we have three daughters!” He chuckled.

“A girl dad, huh?” She laughed. “Can you believe it? We are old. You have kids! You’ve always wanted kids. I am happy for you, Sam!” She nodded, amused.

“Tell me about it. Some days it feels so surreal, to have lived through almost six decades, as if we were never young, never in college, never once that excited about something we want. As if we’ve always been old.” He stared into her eyes. “I’ve missed you, you know. A lot. I am happy. But I never forgot about you. Or us.”

“I know. Me too. Happy memories! The people we were back then, have long changed. We were so untainted, innocent young adults, stepping into the world for the first time, excited about life, and love. The thought makes me wonder what a vivid mix of emotions life is!”

“We were good together.” He lowered his head and looked away from her, “After all these years, do you regret breaking up?”

To a question she had asked herself a thousand times already, the answer popped in her head for the first time, today.

“As much as I would like to say ‘Yes’, I would say no, I don’t regret it and I hope that you don’t, either. Life destined us together, made us fall in love, gave us those beautiful five years that shaped us into who we are today and how we love. But we both were such different people., Sam. We would have had to lose much more than just each other, had we stayed together, perhaps even ourselves! This doesn’t mean that I never missed you, because I did, a lot.” “Do you regret it?”

“No.”

She squeezed his hands and he looked up at her, acceptance flashing in his eyes. “You wanted a family, Sam. And I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t bring myself to keep you from that. I am sorry.” She patted his hand. “Falling in love was not a choice. But forcing you to stay with me, despite knowing I might not want the same life as you, was.”

“It’s…I am sorry, too. It’s not your fault. God, we were so young. I didn’t want to hold you back in your career, or even push you through into marrying me, just for the sake of starting a family, hoping someday that you’ll change your mind for me. It would have been wrong of me and unfair to you.” He assured her. “Did you ever regret going after what you wanted?” 

“Not a regret as much as wondering time and again if I was doing the right thing. We were poles apart in personalities and what we wanted from life. We loved each other. But apparently, love wasn’t enough to sustain a relationship. Nevertheless, it all worked out for the better. Those were big decisions. Even I had second thoughts years into it, about what if I did settle down with you, have a family.”

A bright flash of lightning streaked through the sky and the window frame roared. The streets were almost empty, all signs of life hidden underneath the shades or inside the buildings. 

The young man interrupted them again with two glasses of water. They each took a sip, quenching the tight little knots in their throat. 

Water trickled down the surface of the windows. Rain poured down like arrows from the sky, clamouring against the glass panes, pining for attention.

Sitting across from the love of her life, she imagined what life would have been like if the day he said, “let’s break up then” had never happened. “A big house, white picket fence, working our jobs and home with each other at night. Dinner and a glass of wine over how our day went by. Resting in your arms, a blanket over us, the lights dimmed out, falling asleep, that’s how I imagine it to be.” 

He grinned, amused by the picture she had painted, “I would massage your head, making you forget about the day. Suddenly our cat would jump on your lap and start licking you. You withdraw the wine glass away from him, but I start tickling you behind your ear, with sweet little kisses. Giving up, you put the glass away and hold the cat up, its little paws and soft meows winning your heart once again, as you cuddle him in your arms, as I would, you. I would kiss your hair and silently, all three of us would fall asleep and snore.”

Speechless, she burst out annoyed a minute later. “Cat?”

“Oh yes, a ginger, to be specific!”

“After all these years, you are still obsessed with those damn cats? Ha! I can’t believe you forgot I hate cats. I would never.”

“Oh come on, we both know you would have come around. I would have brought home a stray one day and you would have taken him, fed and bathed him, cuddled him and made him feel safe!” He laughed.

“Nah ah, no way. I would never do that. A cute little dog maybe…”

He stopped laughing. “Life would have been much simpler if back then all we had to do was choose between a cat or a dog after getting married, instead of careers, family, the long distance or success.”

“However it turned out, though, it is no less than a privilege. Getting to live the life the way we wanted. Losing you made me cherish us even more. It’s rare to find love that sets you free. And we both did, for each other.”

“I respect you a lot. You inspired me to go after what I wanted in life. Thank you for making me a happy young man back then!”

“I am grateful, too, you know. We chose to end it peacefully rather than staying in and trying to change each other. We learned how to respect a person, a friendship. We learned to love ourselves before we love another person. Whatever and however we chose, we chose for us, Sam!”

“Well said.” He said, pleased. “I did search for you a couple of years ago.”

“Haha… A stalker! What did you find?”

“Nothing, actually. Are you not online socially?”

“No, for years, I haven’t been. I did look you up, though. A profile picture. You were smiling, standing at a beach. It felt good to assume that you were happy.” She glanced at the window. 

It was fogging up from the humidity indoors. Outside, the rain striking against the glass panes had somehow lessened into a mere drizzle. Perhaps, people were out and about on the road again, as cars could be heard passing by. 

The bell rang as the boy also opened the door to peek outside. 

Cold air coursed its way in and the old man felt goosebumps all over his arms. He got up and wiped off the glass to sneak a look outside.

Feeling warm and comfortable in his presence, she didn’t say a word but got up from her chair, too, to look around.

An ephemeral relief from the rain, life had once again made its way out. People hurried past each other, without stopping to smell in the fresh green leaves, or the smell of the wet concrete. Noone paused to feel the cool air after an early morning rain nor see the ripples that travelled within the puddles of water, before disappearing.

“You never came to the reunion. I expected you to come. But getting to meet you today is no less of a joy for me.” The man said, looking at her looking through the window.

“Are you still in contact with friends from college?” 

“Yes, a couple of texts every now and then.” He answered.

“It’s time for me to go.” She turned to him and gave him her most genuine smile. “Believe me, meeting you today made me the happiest, too. Take care, Sam. Maybe in another life…” and then she hugged him goodbye. Her head lay perfectly into the little nook between his neck and his shoulder. His warmth made her smile. He smelled the same, of his favourite cocoa lotion and himself, just as she remembered. 

She left first.

The rain had also come to a standstill outside. 

So, he decided to head out his way, too. Shortly thereafter, thanking the storekeeper, he stepped out and started walking down the way, lost in thoughts of what had just happened. The cool air hit his face as he traipsed through the foot path and turned around the block.

His phone suddenly beeped over a text. He unlocked it to read the message that had popped up over the screen from a group chat named ‘Reunion-Batch of 2015’. His feet suddenly came to a halt in the middle of the road as someone crashed against him from behind. The person apologised and moved along. 

But he didn’t. Because the world had stopped. His world. 

The text read that a former classmate had just passed away peacefully in her sleep, early today morning, at around half past three.

The love of his life had just left him, once again. The life they already knew they would never have, just shattered into a million pieces, once again. He swallowed to loosen up his throat and started walking back towards the bookstore. Panicking, he jogged all the way back but he knew that the one he was looking for had already gotten away, yet again. 

There was no sign of her. No sign of that hope, that ‘maybe’ and that ‘what if’, anymore. The bell chimed as he swung the door open and went inside. There was noone there either, besides the young man still dusting off his books. 

Coming out, he looked up at the sky, no longer holding back his tears. “It was time to go,” she had said and she wanted to say goodbye. She waited for him at the bookstore, knowing it would rain soon and he might rush inside, looking for a shade.

But there was something that he realised, that after meeting her unexpectedly today, he would always find her there, waiting for him inside a random shop, or on a morning stroll, never quite gone. On a cold rainy day like today, disguised as the warmth of a hug or a smile, she would never veritably leave him.

He closed his eyes and let the tears roll down and the light shower drench his bare skin. It was going to rain again, perhaps for hours this time. The clouds roared with thunder.

She would always be in his memory, he thought. She was his past, a part of his life and noone could change that. And she would always own a part of his heart.

And maybe, he knew exactly where to find her. 

"In another life..." he whispered.