DOGE Dirge

DOGE Dirge

By Karen Ciesielski-Motta

*At the intersection I could go right and head home - but turning left would take me on an adventure. Maybe I would find a different route home - the scenic route around the hustle of city traffic. So what if it took an extra 20 minutes of travel time? The view would be worth it. Plus, riding my bike to and from work was good exercise.

With that thought I suddenly went back in my mind over the strange events that had occurred today.

Our company that worked for the Fed was on the chopping block because of the DOGE cuts. It was a bloodbath from top to bottom. I was called into my T—p supporting supervisor’s office. Word was out that the sharks were feeding and we- the school fishies-were trying to lay low. Maybe we could disappear in the feeding frenzy long enough to survive another day, week or month. With fingers crossed and a prayer on my lips to the god of unjust layoffs I entered Bill’s office. It was a cubicle- same as we all had to work in. The only difference being that he had four walls and a door - privacy. I knocked and walked in to find Bill and Jill standing in a face to face heated argument.

Noticing me they both clammed up and smiled. They reminded me of Bruce the shark in Finding Nemo- a big toothy grin with hunger in their eyes. I have to admit that it made me shiver as I swallowed hard in spite of my phony facade of a cool calm demeanor, in hopes that they wouldn't smell my heart pumping fear!

“Come on in Phil, have a seat”, Bill offered as he pointed to the straight backed metal chair that was located in front of his desk. I sat, feeling slightly confused since the last time I was in that chair was when he hired me. Usually we just stuck our heads in the door when he summoned us to have him bark an order with no invitation to enter.

Was this it then? Now that I was seated upright would it be to receive my dismissal with a modicum of dignity?

I looked at my two supervisors who were looking at me. We were, as the saying goes, sizing each other up. My mind was in a whirl of thoughts. Was I fired? Why was Jill in on it? Could I talk Bill out of canning me? Think! Think fast!

“So Phil, you have worked with Jill and myself for three years now”, Bill said, stating the obvious.

“We have thought of you to be an arbitrator of sorts for us with a bit of a dilemma we are in because of the DOGE efficiency procedures “, he continued; that shark-ish grin never leaving his face.

Just then, Jill stepped over to me and put her hand on my shoulder, giving it a very firm squeeze.

“No pressure, Phil”, she quipped as her grip continued to increase causing me to flinch.

“We are having to thin out the redundant workforce here in our department. Jill and I have been instructed to leave our positions to the behest of our closest subordinate (That’s you, heh heh)” , Bill nervously chuckled.

Jill continued gripping my shoulder proprietarily as she stared at Bill.

He frowned at her and sidled around his desk to place his too firm grip on my other shoulder.

“Hey- what the..?”, I squawked as I sprang up from the chair and started pacing in that 8x10 foot office- no easy feat with three adults, a desk and two chairs in my way!

Bill and Jill laughed too loudly and then Jill said,” Sorry, Phil- we didn't mean to loom over you”.

“Come on, have a seat”, she implored, “ and we'll get down to business”.

Bill sat behind his desk again and Jill moved to stand by him. I took the hot seat tentatively- ready to bolt out the door if I needed to.

“Allow me to explain our problem, Phil. You see, we need an unbiased employee to speak for us- to recommend we maintain our supervisory positions- but, only one of us can be endorsed”, Jill seriously, explained.

“You will be the one to decide, according to your position in the company”, Phil went on to explain

.

“I'm a subordinate to you two, though”, I blurted.

“How is that going to work?!

Haha! This is ridiculously funny! I thought but said, “ It's one of you who has to go?”, I asked incredulously.

“ You got it,Phil-meister”, Jill coined that old 90’s nomenclature causing my eyes to roll (in my mind only). My face remained calm and passive while my insides were screaming,”Yay!” I could have kissed them both at that moment, but continued to show no emotion. I slid right into my part as the unbiased arbitrator.

“So, you know us and have worked with us”, Bill reiterated. *He looked between us once more and said,”It's either her or me…”

“I'm sorry”, I asked, “ it's either you or her, what?”

Jill and Bill looked at each other and then back to me with impatience.

Jill hovered over me like a hungry bird and I was the worm.

“ Who should stay? Who is the better supervisor? Bill or me?”, as nonchalantly as if she had asked if I prefer cream or sugar in my coffee.

The gears were turning in my head telling me this does not compute! Why would I be charged with deciding which one of my bosses gets laid off? It must be a trick- a test of my loyalty.I know the T—pers are big on loyalty. But Jill was not of the same politicos as Bill. She kept her cards close to her chest, but a peek now and then over her shoulder revealed her liberal tendencies.

As these confused thoughts were going through my mind I thought about the email I had received from DOGE this morning with an offer to resign and collect a modest severance. It definitely was tempting and this situation was beginning to reflect the crazy-world DOGE was creating. It was all just a game to play….or not. Who knows? But it started to piss me off and I would have to decide to show where my loyalties lie. The offer to resign had an expiration date -today. If I didn't accept it, was I next to go anyway?

“Well?!”, they asked simultaneously, breaking my train of thoughts.

Taking a deep breath and exhaling it sharply I declared, “I choose Jill to stay- Bill to go”.

“And”, I added,* “You know what? I quit!”

Taking that as my cue to flee, I jumped up and ran to the door, flung it open and faced the crowd of my fellow employees peering up curiously from their cubicles.

*I stared at the crowd and told the biggest lie of my life: “Piece of cake- we are all going to be ok”

They all sat back down with relief and I high-tailed it over to my desk.

I opened the email and feeling some deep biblical guilt of Judas accepting the silver, I filled in my acceptance and resigned anyway. I packed up my desk paraphernalia, took a quick look around the cramped space I had spent three years of my life working in and left. As I was leaving I made the decision to right my wrong.

“Attention everyone, I announced in front of all the workers, “I lied”

All eyes were on me then as I explained to them, “I’m leaving Crazyland and I advise you to do the same. Start that career you've always dreamed of- or stay here to the bitter end if this is what you really want. I'm not sorry for my lack of loyalty. Loyalty to chaos is a path to crazy; I can't walk that road.”

It was a few seconds later as I stood there amidst the shocked silence that I realized*I was utterly and completely lost. Lost in this maelstrom of political upheaval.

In spite of my doubts,I knew I was doing the right thing for myself.

“Goodnight and good luck everyone. I'm headed out now- off to find my true place in America and I'll give my loyalty there”.

As I stared at the intersection a bit longer, the choice to go left was easy. I headed left with my hopes and dreams for America still intact. I was not going back.