A Story About Nothing

Kenny left the bathroom satisfied and at ease with the toilet flushing as background noise. When he walked into the living room of his studio apartment, he found Jamie twirling around the couch like a ballerina. She hummed “American Blonde” by Dreamgirl to herself. The 5 o’clock news played on the television, which talked about these blue loose-leaf papers with weird symbols posted all over the city. 

“Did you wash your hands?” Jamie asked without looking at him. She balanced herself on one set of toes, bending forward, lifting the other leg as high as she could. She was surprisingly flexible.

“How did you get in here?” Kenny asked.

“You never lock your door. Mitch will be here any minute, and Tom has the tickets.”

“Tickets for what?”

“The ballet, Kenny, remember?”

“When did I agree to this? And who goes to the ballet in the 2023?”

“Everyone goes to the ballet, Kenny.” She spoke through clenched teeth, looking him in the eye while still bending herself. 

Mitch entered the apartment and slammed the door behind him. “They’re among us! I’ve been warning you for years, Kenny, but you never believed me. Well, this is the proof! We are not alone.” He wagged above his bald head one of the blue papers with the weird symbols. 

Kenny snatched the paper out of Mitch’s hand and examined it. “It’s clearly Russian.”

“How is that Russian? That doesn’t look like any Russian I’ve seen before,” said Mitch. “And I would know. My brother-in-law has a cousin who is Russian.”

“Are you guys ready to go see the ballet?” asked Jamie as she bounced up and down with her palms pressed together.

“There’s a little Russian girl who lives two floors down. She probably wrote ‘Russia will invade America’s asshole,’ or something,” said Kenny.

“I can’t believe aliens are gonna exterminate the human race before I get married,” said Mitch. He was pacing back and forth. “My mother will never let me hear the end of it. We’ll be burning in hell and she’ll never shut up about how I dies before giving her grandchildren.”

“Guys, the ballet starts in an hour,” said Jamie. “You know how much I love ballets and I cannot miss a single moment of this one. And where the hell is Tom?” Nervously she chewed her fingernails. 

“See? Russian.” Kenny showed Jamie and Mitch his phone. According to Google translate, У меня самый большой пенис во вселенной, the symbols on the blue papers plastered all over the city, is Russian for “I have the greatest penis in the universe.”

“This absolutely proves my point,” said Mitch. “Penis? Universe? You know who talks like that? Aliens. E.T.’s with giant wangs. The clues are there, Kenny.”

“I’m going to claw someone’s eye out if we miss the ballet,” said Jamie. She pulled on her hair and took heavy breaths.

“Guys,” said Kenny. “I didn’t agree to see a ballet show, and there are no aliens. Now, would you two be so kind as to get the fuck out of my apartment.”

The door busted open. Tom, Kenny’s next-door neighbor, screamed at the top of his lungs as he tried to wrestle a strange purple monster from his right arm. Everyone else screamed at the sight of creature—some mutant violet sludge with eyes as black as midnight and fangs digging up Tom’s arm. Tom bumped into the walls and the fridge and the furniture yelling “Help me! Help me!” He slipped onto the floor. Kenny and Jamie dropped to the floor and started pulling the monster’s jaw open. Mitch cowered in a corner at the sight of the strange thing. The creature wailed in distress from its desperate desire to hold on—a loud, demonic sound. Tom’s scream was maddening. Tears streamed from his eyes. Kenny punched the monster in one of its many eyes repeatedly while Jamie pulled on its mouth. When the smallest amount of space was created, Tom slipped his arm free. The creature slithered out the door so fast they almost missed it.

Everyone took a moment to catch their breath. Except Mitch, who was shivering in a fetal position. Tom stood up under his own power. There were cuts about his arm but nothing too serious.

“Jeez, Tom, are you okay?” asked Kenny.

“Yeah, but, uh, I think it ate the ballet tickets.”

“You lost the tickets?!” gasped Jamie. She lunged at Tom. She aimed to dig her fingernails into his throat.

Freeze frame.

Play generic catchy 80’s outro.

Role credits.

Ogooblubloo wraps up the edits to his hit Earth-based streaming series Dogo Explores, which is about Dogo, an alien dog, runs amuck within the human population, recorded by hidden clocked, floating cameras that follow the alien dog and the areas surrounding it. Dogo Explores is among the top 10 intergalactic ongoing series right now, and quickly catching up to the popularity of Space Office. 

The content of this next episode of Dogo Explores was filmed three months ago.

Ogooblubloo, by the way, is a member of a race of Iris-colored aliens with gel-like bodies. They wear no clothes, so their alien bits hang out all the time.

He continues to monitor the movements of Dogo in his room (which looks like any other room, but everything is violet and there are screens with alien, non-Russian symbols along one of the walls), on a spaceship hovering the Earth’s sky undetected. The door to his room slides open. Blooblagop, Ogooblubloo’s older brother, storms inside with one of the blue pages with the Russian words that was posted all over the streets of New York.

“How dare you replace all my ‘Missing Dogo’ signs with this gibberish, Ogooblubloo,” says Blooblagop. “I’m tired of you profiting off of my little Dogo. She’s lost and scared and needs to come home so I can feed her and kiss her bunches.” He speaks in a whimpering voice at the end.

“Screw you, Blooblagop,” says Ogooblubloo. “You think your space tax scam alone can keep this ship afloat. Spaceship bills are hella expensive and Dogo Explores makes serious bank.”

“I’m a legitimate tax lawyer, asshole.”

“Taxes are a scam, and everyone with a brain knows it.”

There is a sharp shrill from outside the room. The two brothers rush out to find their mother, Lunarama—who is eight feet tall and round like a giant ball— screaming and running about. Tom, who almost lost his arm to Dogo three months prior, hangs from Lunarama’s earlobe by the teeth. His body dangles about as Lunarama runs circles in pain. 

“What’s a human doing here?!” cries Blooblagop. “Ogooblubloo, help me get it off Mom.”

“Ooh, let me grab a camera first.” Ogooblubloo runs back into his room.