Doloris

Where am I?

The room was consumed with darkness. It must be nighttime, I thought.

I turned my head ever so slightly to the right.

Maybe if I focused hard enough my eyes could see through the black that surrounded me.

Nothing.

I have never been fond of the dark. In fact, I fear it.

In my childhood, I used to beg my mother to sleep in her bed.

She always answered with a frustrated no.

When Daddy left, I thought her answer would alter, but it never did.

The last time I asked, my mother told me if I brought up the subject again it would result in a beating.

I didn’t want a beating, but for a moment it sounded better than being alone in the dark.

I lifted my body and swung my feet over the bed.

I am not sure where I am headed but I no longer want to lay down.

I sat there on the edge of the bed letting my feet dangle.

As I began to try and stand up, I hear footsteps.

A door is opened, and a burst of light comes shining through.

A figure approaches my way.

There is not enough light to see the face of the mysterious figure.

The figure turns on a lamp nearest to me.

Doloris, the figure says.

What are you doing out of bed?

Doloris?

Oh yes, I am Doloris, I state back to the figure.

I always liked the name Doloris.

Mother hated it because daddy chose it, so she only ever called me Dee.

It is time for you to rest. I am going to lay you back down, okay? The figure tells me.

Okay, I say.

The figure lowers me down onto the bed and their face is revealed to me.

I know you, I say. Yes, I have known you for many years. You are very beautiful.

The girl, assumed to be in her early 20s does not respond.

I believe the girl can’t hear me so I repeat my statement.

You are beautiful my dear.

Still no response.

Maybe she is out of it, I thought. It seems to be late.

Okay Doloris, I am going to have you open your mouth now, the young girl says.

When you do, she continues, I am going to place a pill on your tongue.

I will then give you water and you need to swallow it okay?

Okay, I answer.

I open my mouth and patiently wait for the pill to be placed on my tongue.

The girl does so and brings a glass of water to my mouth.

After I swallow the small blue pill she says, very good Doloris.

Thank you, I respond.

As I stare at the girl, I seem to know, I fall tired again.

I sleep for what feels like many hours.

When I wake, light shines through the three windows to my left.

I am now able to see the room I am in.

This is my living room; I think to myself.

This is Norm & I’s living room.

Norman. Norm. My sweet man of old.

It feels like yesterday when I met my kind-hearted soulmate.

I was invited to a birthday party for one of my old college roommates.

A couple weeks prior to the party taking place, my brother had passed from cancer.

My brother was my best friend. Living in a world without him seemed meaningless.

When the party came around, I had no intention on attending.

But I heard there was going to be alcohol. Free alcohol.

Which seemed more enticing to drown my sorrows with.

But my lips never touched an ounce of the addicting liquid that night.

Instead, they were occupied by the lips of another.

Norman. Norm.

Six months later we were married.

Our marriage was never perfect.

There were many times when he left me angry or in tears.

But even in those moments my love for him never died.

Not until my precious man left this earth himself.

After three boys and 70 years together.

The same cancer that spread through my brother’s body spread through my beloved.

I can’t seem to remember how long he has been gone.

All I know is that he is gone now, and I hope to be reunited with him soon.

The days come and go, but every day seems to be a repeat of the day before.

Wake up. Drink a protein shake. Take a small blue pill twice a day. Stare. Sleep. Repeat.

The girl comes in often to help me.

I am not sure why she is in my home; I could do all of this myself.

But a part of me enjoys her company. She is the only one I have seen in days.

As I stare out the windows, I see a small yellow bird.

I analyze the small creature wondering what birds think of.

Do they know they are not the only creatures that live on this planet?

What are their worries?

As I ponder my curiosities, the young lady comes in to give me my pill.

Days keep coming and then they go, but that same yellow bird continues to visit me.

I find myself suddenly jealous of the bird outside my window.

I would love to be a bird.

To fly. Soar through the sky.

If I was a bird, I would never have to take pills again.

Or even drink vanilla protein shakes.

Or lay in bed all day.

How beautiful that sounds to have everlasting freedom.

More days come and more pass on by.

The young girl walks into the living room again.

She has my pill in one hand and a blanket in the other.

Here you go Doloris, I brought you another blanket. You seemed to be cold last night.

I was not cold, I thought. Or maybe I was, I can’t seem to remember.

I also brought you your pill, the young lady says.

I never minded taking the pill before.

But today is a new day.

And my body no longer craves the little blue pill.

No thank you, I tell her.

She looks over at me bringing her hand toward me.

Doloris did you hear me, she says softly, it’s time to take your pill.

No thank you, I say.

Doloris, can you open your mouth so I can place the pill on your tongue?

I am okay for today, I say.

Please Doloris, she says with strain in her voice.

It’s okay dear, I no longer want it.

I need you to take the pill, I need you to stay, she pleads.

Tears come racing down the cheeks of the beautiful young girl.

There is no need to be upset my dear, I tell her.

The pill has now become meaningless.

It will do nothing for me.

How about some water? She offers.

I don’t need that either.

Stay a little longer, she says barely able to form the words.

There is no light in this world without you Dol---

As the young girl goes to say my given name, I realize she says my other given name instead.

Don’t leave me Grandma. Don’t leave me.

I wonder why the girl has now started to call me grandma, she’s always called me…

My memory seemed to have failed me during the days I spent in this bed.

Which now does not even look like a normal bed.

It looks like one you would see in a hospital.

As I start to notice the bed, I also feel something in my nose.

It is a tube.

A tube that is allowing me to breathe.

My nose suddenly feels itchy.

I continue to scan the room. The bed. The tube that is connected to a machine below me.

As I am looking down, I catch sight of my hand.

It is starting to turn purple.

I look back up toward the girl whose eyes have now become puffy.

Images begin to attack my mind.

I see a girl.

A baby girl.

Doloris, a woman says in my memory, meet the new member of our family.

The woman hands me the small creature.

This is Delilah. Dee for short. This is your granddaughter, the woman says.

Tears flood my eyes.

I begin to chuckle out of complete happiness.

She’s beautiful, I say, beautiful.

I have known the young girl taking care of me for many years.

Because she is mine. She is my granddaughter. She is my Delilah.

I have been so used to responding to Doloris that, that is what I assumed Delilah called me.

But she never did.

Okay, Grandma, I am going to have you open your mouth now. When you do, I am going to place a pill on your tongue. I will then give you water and you need to swallow it okay?

Grandma, what are you doing out of bed?

It is time to take your pill now Grandma.

Grandma? Oh yes, I am Grandma.

That was my other given name the day my sweet girl was born.

Delilah. My beautiful girl. My granddaughter.

Delilah sits on a chair beside the bed holding onto my hand for dear life.

Please, she pleads again. Please stay.

As I go to open my mouth to respond, it becomes impossible for me to do.

I try again to force my jaw open and form words.

Nothing comes out.

I haven’t been verbalizing anything for days, I realize.

My words were only ever mine. Never shared.

I squeeze Delilah’s hand as hard as I can.

It is now dark outside and my eyes are falling tired.

I don’t want to leave Dee in the dark. But I must.

I love you, Dee, I try to tell my darling girl through my mind.

As much as I loved your dad, and perhaps even more so.

I gently close my eyes.

It only takes seconds for my soul to be detached from my body.

And then suddenly I am flying.

Souring high up into the air like my little yellow friend.

I am free.

When I wake, I am greeted by light.

So bright that my eyes can barely stand to stay open.

As my eyes begin to adjust, I see there is a figure standing in front of me.

A man.

He smiles and focuses his attention on me with his kind eyes.

He reaches his hand out, patiently waiting for me to take it.

I hesitate but decide that I should take the nice man’s hand.

I inch closer to him.

I know this man.

It is a man I have known for many years.

Norman. My Norman. My Norm.

I stare in disbelief and begin to smile.

Seeing my love leaves me at a loss for words.

Until my mouth is able to open again and I finally ask…

Where Am I?