The Land of Blue Trees

It's a new year, but nothing has really changed. At least not for me. I'm still just rambling through life with no real aim. No "guiding star" as the motivational speakers love to tote. I don't even remember how it got this way, I'm not stupid, it's not ambition I lack, it wasn't a bad childhood either. But I'm sitting on this train all the same, empty. 

      I quit my job back in the states a few days ago, and I used some of the money I had saved up to fly to Tokyo. And I don't know a lick of Japanese. It wasn't a terrible job: decent pay, 401 k, health, PTO, the whole 9 yards. But I couldn't shake the daily feeling that something wasn't right. I was being observed frequently to assess my "promising potential", and I even got promoted twice in my two years there. They had nothing but good to say about me, but I guess I knew the world a bit better than that. They love you and drain you of everything you own. That's the prophecy that's been unfolding since the beginning of our species. I think I heard it in a song once. In any case, I can say without a doubt that the new year is what triggered this. It kinda forces us to self-examine. And what we find, if we are honest with ourselves at least, doesn't usually evoke feelings of joy. 

      On December 31st I was in bed at 9, alone and very aware of the things I was missing. Nobody to kiss, nobody to share my life with, nothing to really look forward to; at least it feels that way sometimes. I'm not trying to be overly gloomy but the holidays are always hard for me, especially new years. I detest all the people who blabber on about how "this is going to be the year". I mean are they willfully ignorant or just incredibly dumb. What makes them think that this year will be different than the last? What indicates that this time they are going to stick with it. And then I end up feeling the burden of reality because I'm the one that won't lie to myself. But that hasn't really gotten me anything besides a throne that I don't really want to sit on. 

      I guess I'm just trying to explain the way I felt when I pulled a Chris McCandless. Now I don't have a job or a way back home. I've just been riding this train for a while now. I should feel pretty scared right now, in this seemingly dastardly debacle, yet I've never been calmer. I feel victorious even, in a strange way. Because I actually did something different. 

I actually did it …

      Even if this year is going to end a little early, for me at least, I still think it's the best year I've had in quite some time. As the Stoics would say, "most wretched of all is he who takes orders in the freest of all things: love and hate". And I've been taking those orders my whole life. But now I finally feel free, on this train headed nowhere.

      I wonder what everyone is doing back home, I wonder what my coworkers think of me now. I wonder if I could have done something different so that I wouldn't have had my first time in Japan be alone and waiting to die. But I won't ever know, and that's a little frustrating. I don't know if this is my fault or not, I don't know if I ever could have been loved. And it's funny that I feel like this because I got good grades, my dad was in my life, my family was well off, I was athletic. I'm sorry for the ravings but I'm just so confused I guess these are just the pale deaths which men must call their lives- another song. 

      So many unanswered questions. And I just have to accept them, accept this. As I am lost in my thoughts the train slowly comes to a stop, there were only a few others on board, it being 2:00 a.m. and all, but I notice as one of them steps into the misty mountain village he left a package behind. And as the train starts creeping forward I can't help but take a look. I mean he's gone now and I've got nothing to lose. It's funny how quickly your morals devolve when you're staring down your own death. As I untie the brown string securing the packaging I realize I've stumbled upon quite the find. The inscription was mostly in Japanese but I saw one word that caught my eye: salvia.

      I'd always been a stickler when it came to drugs, I was too anxious to let loose, too nervous to give up control. It's not like I didn't want to try em. I just wasn't the outgoing type that's all. No parties, no hangouts, and coupled with my hesitant disposition I just never tried them. I'm probably talking about it like Jerry, and that's because I am one. I don't even know if you're supposed to smoke it or what, but I'm just going to eat it. This is almost definitely going to kill me.

      As I swallow my last gulp the train moves forward. Slowly I begin to feel drowsy until I finally shut my eyes. I don't think this is related to drug use, I'm just tired. When my eyes open again I'm on the train but I don't think we're in Japan anymore. Outside the windows is a celestial scape, and we're floating in space. Now this is what I'm talking about, high as can be in Japan and I DON'T EVEN SPEAK JAPANESE!!!! This year I promised it would be different and it finally is.

      As we barrel through this strange plane I start to notice figures in the distance. They look like meditating gods or something, they must be made of stars. One shifts his view to me, we lock eyes and I feel shivers go down my spine. Suddenly the train gets jerked through the surface of an ocean, a million images come to me all at once: a baby crying in my arms, a woman in bed with me, some friends and I  on top of a huge mountain, me on a fire line, jumping out of a plane with a gun, performing heart surgery, playing catch with a kid, beautiful colors, mountains, forests, frogs, flowers, cats, my last breath. Tears start to roll down my face and I'm hyperventilating pretty bad.

       I'm not on the train anymore, instead I'm somewhere in the Arctic circle. It's twilight and I can see the Borealis in full. A white fox juts through the snow and I get the urge to follow it. Through two feet of frost I push on until we find ourselves on a frozen lake, the ice begins to crack but it doesn't break. Off in the distance I can see a tree it's in the middle of this Lake. Getting closer, on one side, there's a winged woman on a horse. She's gripping a sword and on the other side is a skeleton showcasing a rather corroded set of armor, brandishing a shield and hatchet. Am… am I supposed to choose?  A throbbing pain begins in my chest as I walk towards the valkyrie. A strange feeling begets me, I think I'm supposed to fall in love with her? Just a few feet away now and an Inferno cuts across the landscape, what was an arctic wasteland is now a smoldering hellscape. And… and she's gone and so is the bone warrior, but as I approach a pool of molten metal, it must be aluminum or something because it's still a little shiny, I can see my reflection. I, I am the skeleton? A Red Demon is standing beside me, "You did this Ha Ha Ha. You made your choice already".  His breath smells like rotten meat and he talks like he's half a serpent. Just looming over me I begin to feel something more terrible than I've ever felt before. Is this trying to tell me that my opportunity is over? I can't change my path?

      I close my eyes again and when I open them I'm in a place with blue trees, there are fairies and elves laughing and frolicking around. Under a beautiful apple tree the valkyrie is lying down and she is pregnant. It's so warm here. 

      Maybe what I was missing was love, not just me the world is missing love. It's the currency of the universe, love is what makes the world go round. People who love what they do, people who love a cause, people that make sacrifices for what they love. That's what this life is all about, that's the best thing you can do: to love something with all of your heart.

      A train horn blares and I've got one strong headache. I see a light coming at me, wait is this real life now? All of the sudden time gets real slow and I feel so cold. I don't want to die, not anymore. I want to make the world a better place now. I want to love someone now. It's so bright and then…

Nihil