A Different Frequency

It's an overcast autumn day. It has been several days since I have spoken to anyone. I'm in a relationship, or at least, I'm not entirely certain it is still going on. Had we broken up? Did we have a fight that I had forgotten? Lately I've been feeling scattered, as if my brain were a shattered mirror and I was trying to figure out the broken pieces and put them back together. My mood has been dark, and I feel a deep sense of loneliness. I've been having trouble concentrating, or remembering things. Did I miss something important? Was I supposed to be at work today? Do I still even have a job? All I know is that I am here, right now. At least I believe I am here, but I am having an incredibly hard time believing it. An event happened a few minutes ago, that I must write down, or I won't believe it. I feel like I need to tell you, if you're out there and you can read these words. Perhaps the words themselves will be confirmation that, yes, I am still alive, at least in the physical sense of the word. For I am certain that I am going mad.

I was taking a walk earlier on this dreary autumn day, in Brandywine Park in Wilmington. I was walking along the river bank, just trying to regain a little inner peace, I was listening to the gushing sounds of the river, and admiring the foliage of the changing autumn leaves, the pretty reds and bright yellows. I had passed several joggers, and an elderly man with his small dog sitting on a bench. None of them had noticed me, or they at least pretended to not see me, or acknowledge me. I was lost in my own thoughts, thinking about my relationship with Julie. Was it over? I still couldn't remember. It just seemed as though our relationship had grown cold. I know I have mental illness, but I don't take medication. Julie was well aware of my mental illness, and would often help me when I was in a daze or "lost". But today seems different, I'm not sure if I have completely lost it. I may have killed someone and wouldn't remember it. I've been doing a lot of bizarre things lately. I've had sudden bursts of rage, random laughing fits, just saying odd things at the wrong time, but luckily nobody has been there to see me.

Anyway, dear reader, if you are still with me, if you are able to read my words, what I'm about to tell you may shock you. On this walk of mine earlier today, I was walking along a narrow bridge, I stopped for a moment to look out over the river. I thought I was alone. How long had passed? I couldn't say. Suddenly I heard footsteps behind me and I jumped, it startled me and I turned and bumped into an elderly man. He was pushed back a little, and seemed to not understand what happened. I started apologizing. When I turned I stepped on his left foot, and my left elbow bumped into his chest. He had to be in his late seventies, he was under six feet, and was wearing a gray Member's Only windbreaker and khaki pants. He was thin and pale, he had green eyes and reddened cheeks, his hair was thin strands of white.

I was sincerely sorry I bumped into him, I asked him if he was alright but he did not answer. At first I thought he was just being odd, or wanted to be left alone, but then I had the crazy thought that perhaps he couldn't see or hear me at all. That's when I started to panic. I yelled "hello!!!!" right in his face, no response. Oh God, I thought, when was the last time I had talked to someone, anyone? Did I die? Am I dead? Is this man deaf and blind? Could anyone see me? No! No! No! This can't be! What is this? I was so confused. Am I invisible? Have I always been dead? Was Julie real, or something from a dream? I was frantically trying to pick up those broken pieces of my mind, like little pieces of glass that just didn't fit together.

I seem to be trapped. I needed to write down this story, and I am able to do it. I am physically capable of communicating in this plane of existence, but you can't hear me or see me. I'm neither dead nor alive. I am a soul, I am vibration, but I am vibrating on a frequency that is not visible to you. The best way to explain it is a radio, if you're tuned into one station, you can't hear the music from another station, but it still exists. Perhaps in time I will grow weaker in my physical ability to manipulate objects in your world. I must have died but can't remember. I wish I could remember more. My eyes are growing dimmer, it is becoming hard for me to see.