Forgive Yourself

The light turned green, a dark blue car turned left and went down a one lane road to an arena at the end of the street. The lanes were empty and the sun was just overhead, birds sat on the telephone wires as the road stretched on. Driving around back coming into view was an elderly bald man cleaning his motorcycle. As the car became parallel to where it was once at the light. A boy in the driver's seat of the dark blue car, turned it off and exited. His dark blue hair long and waving in the wind not dissimilar to the long grass that brushed across the fence and then down to the pavement as it gently swayed in the breeze. "Hey Ashton? Are you ready for your first day" the elderly man said calmly as he approached the boy and handed him a key. "It gets a little scary here at night some people say there's a ghost here; a young man got off the ice and died in the change room a few years back, don't be afraid if it sounds like someone getting on and off the ice when no one's here". The elderly man smiled wisely and then approached the bike turning it on. The boy smiled in return, "if I need anything I'll message you," he said as he waved and the man on the bike drove off, he thought to himself "will he forgive me if I make a mistake, or as long as I own up to my blunder and learn am I given permission to be forgiven; if I work hard to vindicate my faults... earnestly I'm grateful for being permitted to work here."

5 years later

Snow swiftly slips from the dark blue ceiling of clouds. At the bottom of the hill near a theatre bears a house with a woman scorned. A long dark blue bus drives out of the theatre parking lot past the end of the street of the woman's house and up the hill. It reaches a library on the hills crest and the blanket of frost shifts from flurry to freefall. A dark room with pictures on the wall, and a poster at the door "R.I.P Jack". The room is empty and yet further up the hill we come to the same arena as years ago. Where the carpet of winter seemingly dissipates into the canvas of ice and scraped snow piles. The same boy, now a young man scrapes snow off the ice, pushing his shovel across the grate, the yellow crescent tapped clear against the ground before being hung by the man, the handle now carressed on the wall's red pronged hook. As he looked around, the ice was clear, the zamboni still steamed against the midnight air. He walked to the front of the building, locking the doors as he stared into the barren asphalt driveway. One of his headphones dropped from the shoulder and dangled freely, the man picked it up placing it on top of his ear, not as factory directed but audible nonetheless. The music echoed wub. . wub. . Wub a lub wub. . . Wub. . As his hand drifted down from re-allocating the ear-bud, his finger flicked the light and the arena darkened like a storm cloud. 3 or 4 lights lit the hallway along the changerooms towards the zamboni garage. The sound of skates carved the ice, scraping and dancing like the movements of a conductor's wand. The sound of a puck dropped, and the orchestra of noise harmonized a pattern of sweeping, a stick handling the puck, the man looked up to see an Indigo spectre floating across the ice, his arms imitated a shooting motion as he neared the goal-crease. The man laughed "you know you can't make the horn sound" the spectre phased through the ice door "clank.. Clank.." The steel handle rattled "it's fun still, and who knows when you'll decide to permit yourself to move on from this place." The spectre's arm wind-milled and though it's legs were non existent, the image was reminiscent of a third base coach signalling a base-runner to go home. The man shrugged, holding his hands out to the side with palms open flat for a moment, as he continued towards the exit punching in his code on the security alarm and locking the door. He waited for 12 beeps to make sure the security system was armed before unlocking his dark blue car and sitting down in the driver's seat, his hair matched the metallic canvas of the automotive. The indigo spectre floated into the passenger seat. "Man I sure am glad I'm not stuck in there anymore" . The man glanced over at the spectre with a confused look across his brow, "how come you're in the car with me this time??" A cold wind blew, the summer air was around the corner though snow was dripping from the dark skies above the temperature all day had been warm enough to begin melting the snow piles; and yet, the man could see his breath as clear as if he was in the arena. . . .

All of a sudden, another Indigo blob was sitting in the backseat. "What's up fella's??" The spectre chuckled, his frame much larger than the younger looking spectre sitting in the passenger seat. The man exited the car, key still in the ignition, his movement so abrupt both headphones fell out of his ear placement and dropped to the floor. "You're her uncle.." The boy stuttered.. The spectre in the passenger seat laughed "oh that's the girl you cheated on, you said you loved her but never were willing to forgive yourself for your past and move on".. Tears crept against the boys eyes, his glare and blank as a doll's, the large ghost in the back chuckled again, " it's time you move on kid, don't be so glum chum, fall down 6 times get up 7, all those fortune cookie advice nuggets. Speaking of fortune cookie definitely feeling Chinese food." The man snapped out of his trance you can't even eat food" the spectre chuckled again, the man smirked, he was still the same soul as when he was alive. The large spectre responded "it's called living vicariously" the young spectre laughed hysterically "is it ironic now me always going on the ice?" The man chuckled, alright give me a couple weeks and I'll try to the leave. The large spectre spoke, this time without a laugh, "you don't need them to forgive you for leaving, you need to forgive yourself for expecting some sort of fairytale ending" . The man picked up his headphones, the fall had damaged one and it was broken, he hurled it towards the garbage thinking "if this goes in I'll leave in the fall."

Ba-tang.. The first one hit the back and dropped in. "All or nothing now!!" The younger spectre was floating upside down in front of the young man's face. The young man smiled chucking the second ear-bud underhand towards the bin.

5 years later.

An orange and white box on wheels follows behind a long rectangular blue bus going up from the bottom of the hill to the top of the Hill. The bust leaves a parking lot with images drawn on a nearby bridge, up past the library and towards two 10 story apartment buildings. We arrive at the same room as years ago, but this time it's completely empty. Boxes line the hallway and a garbage bag full of clothes, a bed comforter wrapped around a tv and the walls stripped naked. A man still young in appearance but fully grown in maturity paces across the kitchen, his hands dirtied with spray paint from the night before. His phone lights to let him know his Uhaul has arrived out in the front of his apartment. "Have you seen Jack??" The man spoke to the large Indigo spectre on the patio smoking. The spectre shrugged palms flat out, the boy went to lift the first box closest to the door. "Knock, knock" the man jolted upright "Jack?" He muttered. "No, it's just you" the large spectre was sitting in a wooden chair strung with a hammock to make the seat. The large spectre chuckled "I think Jack is at peace now." The man walked towards the door awkwardly opening it with one hand and holding it ajar with his hip. He smiled "I'm glad one of you his done with me" . The large spectre laughed hysterically "that's the spirit! Give yourself permission to forgive, move on and go with the flow" he smiled wisely and his spectacles glisten. The man walked up and down the stairs moving the items from his room and packing the box on wheels. The large spectre chuckled at the music the man was listening to, commenting with every song change. When the moving was done the man drove west, day turned to night and no more birds sat on telephone wires as he drove down an empty highway seemingly alone, but with the large blue spectre in the passenger seat. The man arrived in his new apartment and unpacked his things. He assembled the wooden frame for his bed organized the floor space for his furniture; when surprisingly, just as he finished, the large blue spectre was gone. He adjusted the lights to his vivarium and locked the door behind him as he left, no more boxes cascaded in the walkway of the room, but the walls still lay absolutely bare. The man walked through the streets gazing at the changes since he was last in the city 8 years prior. He roamed and ventured on, until he came upon a billiards bar. A place where he had once gone on a date with the love of his life. He entered and racked up the balls after placing two loonies into the machine, shaking the table to make sure all the billiards balls were released by the internal holding mechanism. "Knock, knock, knock, knock knock," the larger blue ghost had appeared through the side entrance with another taller spectre, perhaps only a year younger than the man. "Shaun you're back" the boy smiled joyously, "and you brought Nickita, I thought you chose to be a dog before moving on?" The taller spectre un-crossed his arms placing one hand over his forehead "bruv being a dog is the life" he wiped away his hand and placed it on the man's shoulder in front of him "thanks for keeping your promise, it's okay to forgive yourself for more than just one thing every 5 years you know. Ashton looked down and up and in the blink of an eye, the taller spectre was gone. He smiled to himself and continued playing pool with the larger spectre. They chuckled and joked and the large spectre asked the man to order fries and drink shots. The entire time the man was completely oblivious to anyone else who may have wondered why he was talking to himself, such as they were unable to see and interact with spirits and he was. As the man's pocket weighed easy, he and the large spectre walked home, the man now trudging, and the indigo blue ghost floating over the sidewalk, causing people who he passes through to look around sensing the eerie presence ever so subtly. As the man reached his home, and noticed a Chinese food take out menu on the door handle of his apartment, his neighbors presumably already home for the night had removed theirs, and the tile floor was all that contrasted the wooden doors.

When morning came the man began to hang the paintings, he ordered Chinese food from the menu on the door handle; it arrived with extra fortune cookies. After a long day and a full belly the man sat down on the chair strung with the hammock, he had treated the wood smooth from layers of oil and hours of sanding. He sat and thought to himself looking at his school records, he was one year away from a 10 year long journey to achieve a university degree. "All those years spent working at the arena to become a better more diligent worker, and constantly making up for my mistakes, maybe I can finally forgive myself, and start fresh here, where it all started in the first place. He looked around but the large blue spectre was gone, "Knock, knock," Ashton looked around but still, no ghost in sight. He walked closer to the door, "Knock, knock" he walked closer still, unlocking the deadbolt and turning the handle.

Finally in his moment of forgiveness, by some magic of the universe, there she was, the woman scorned.

"I hope you'll forgive me" she said, "I needed to give myself permission to let you have another chance" , the boy smiled, tears ran down his face, in this moment he understood, "I'm humbled you gave yourself permission, but you don't need my forgiveness, you've always had it, and now, maybe I have some of it to." He paused for a second, "why are you here?" The woman smiled, "I saw before you left, you drew a picture on the wall of the theatre at the bottom of the hill by my house, you promised me you'd do it, I was surprised you remembered all these years later." The man had come to understand that forgiveness exists because people make mistakes, and they have to be given permission to make those mistakes, even if sometimes it takes a lot of effort and dedication to make yourself feel worthy of forgiveness. "I'm sorry my actions in the past needed forgiveness, the man said, I've never known how long it takes to be forgiven, when are you permitted to move on is something I'd debate" he chuckled to himself thinking of the foolishness of debating with a ghost. "I promise to love you forever & always, I hope you'll forgive me for that"

In honor of my fallen friends

Jack S

Nick M

Ashton C

Shaun G