Ugly form of perseverance

Sometimes I wonder why people call me stubborn? Is it because I am born that way or because of my sun sign-Taurus or because I have inherited qualities from my father? I am still trying to figure out the reasons. Although I don’t feel that the sun sign affects one’s qualities and attitude. I feel it is the atmosphere in which you have grown, your social lifestyle, the decisions you make.

And one thing I realized was that I found it very difficult to adjust and accept others’ opinions due to which I had little social life. I had only a few friends who could bear with my attitude. Although they also have pointed out that it’s not right to be so stubborn every time but I was stubborn even in accepting that.

I love my 9 to 5 job and doing the same thing every day. In fact, I love following the same routine each day. I like it when people admire and respect my decisions without questioning but I also realize that I find it very difficult to accept others’ opinions. I try to be understanding but somehow I fear that if I show I listen to others, then it would weaken my position and it will prove me wrong in front of others.

Well, there are very few people who accept such traits in themselves. And I know I can’t be good for everyone in the world. So let people call me stubborn, arrogant, or whatever.

So, as usual, it was another day in the office, and I was engrossed in my work. One of my colleagues came up and wanted to introduce me to a new Recruitee who will take care of the HR matters in the organization, conducting training, etc.

I gave a wry smile and shook hands with him. He was a bit taken aback by my indifferent response. I just continued with my work as usual.

I was about to leave office when I saw Mr newbie (let’s call him that) also leaving at the same time. I hate smiling artificially and trying to act nice. We were in the same lift when he started the conversation.

“Hi, you remember, I am Rahul, we had met in the morning. He was continuously blabbering praises about his abilities and how his decisions had brought immense success to his previous organization.

I kept quiet during the entire conversation. Then finally when we were waiting for our respective cabs, he asked me “Hope you did not get bored”

I again nodded my head and left. But the entire night, I don't know why I was thinking about him. Why he wanted to talk to me when I wasn't even responding. And why he was concerned whether I got bored or not.

The next few days passed on like this, but his conversations never ended. Even during lunch hours, he couldn’t stop praising his abilities and leadership qualities. I wondered that why he never wanted to listen to me about my life.

One day, I really got frustrated and told him “Stop it, Rahul. I am fed up with listening to all your success stories. Are you listening to yourself? If u want to make friends, listen to what the other person has to say. “

I got up and was about to leave. He suddenly held my hand and said: “Hey, you also behave the same way isn’t it? You also do not listen to your teammates' opinions even if it is a small thing like organizing a party”. I was just shocked and asked him to leave my hand and left.

I came back home and all sorts of angry and frustrated feelings started gripping me. Who is this Rahul to judge me, just new to the organization? What does he know about me? Just because I listened to him patiently all these days, does he have the right to say anything?

But above all these things, there was a strange kind of happiness I felt inside- the way he held my hand, it felt like goosebumps all over my body. There was a certain affection in his eyes for me. Does he love me? Do I love him? No, not at all. All this is just my overthinking.

The next morning, I completely ignored him. He came up to me during lunch hours and said “Hey, busy since morning? And why are you not sharing your lunch with me!” I was surprised that he was totally normal and was not even feeling sorry for his behavior yesterday.

“Don't you want to say anything about yesterday? Aren't you sorry for judging me?” I asked.

“What to say. Nothing really happened. And why feel sorry. I am honest with my opinions. Now come on, don’t make a big issue about it.” Rahul said.

In between, one of my colleagues came and sat with us. He was the only good friend who understood me very well, and I saw him watching me and Rahul from a distance. “Nowadays, you don’t have lunch with me. Is there any problem?” He asked putting his hand on my shoulders.

I saw that Rahul was really feeling angry, and he didn’t say a word. He immediately got up and said, “Are you coming with me? Or do you want to pamper your friend?”

I was in two minds-I wanted to leave with Rahul but then what about my self-respect? I didn't budge.

I started feeling that there was a strange connection between us and I wanted to feel close to him. I wanted him to be around me always and I wanted to tell him that how much I love him. Oh God, what is this happening to me! No, I can’t love a person like him who doesn’t respect me. No, this is not love.

He asked me out one day after office and told “We will go to your favorite cafe”

I didn’t want to go but I couldn’t refuse him. I felt as if the world had stopped around me and I could see just him sitting close to me and ordering my favorite brownies and coffee.

I wish I could hold him all night. That night also he was continuously talking, but I was in my own world. He then said “Why are you allowing your colleague to touch you. He is just a colleague. Can’t you refuse? “

“What is your problem? He is a good friend of mine and we have known each other for years. And I can decide what is good and bad for me” I said

“But I did not like it. It is better you stay away from him,”

“Who are you to decide for me?” I wanted him to tell me at that moment that he loved me and he cannot see me with another man.

But he didn’t say anything. We just left from there.

The next day he didn’t talk to me. I also didn’t try to why should I? I was not at fault.

Few months passed with such love and hate feelings for each other. We fought over small issues but never accepted each other mistakes. We went out together, held each other’s hands but never admitted that we loved each other. Everyone could see the affection between us, but we were so adamant and egoistic to express to each other.

Work pressure was mounting day by day, with numerous meetings and presentations. In one of the meetings, I saw how Rahul stuck to his decisions in a firm manner and others’ opinions didn’t matter much. Even our boss was so impressed with him that he tried to involve him in the functioning of other departments as well.

I was a little envious and felt that my importance had gone down somewhere. In another such meeting, when I was discussing with my team members about some work, he intervened and tried to counter my decision. He somehow wanted to prove that he is right. I told him not to intervene. But my boss and even my teammates applauded him for bringing in such an idea.

I was aghast and left from there. Rahul met me that evening but he didn’t even bother to ask why I was upset.

“Today’s meeting was good” He exclaimed

“You shouldn’t have intervened. I am much more experienced than you and I know what to do,”

We fought with each other yet again. Sometimes I was fed up but on the other hand, I felt a certain bonding with him which I could feel only with him. So, the thought of leaving him made me depressed.

After fights and all, even Rahul behaved normally the next day and I realized he wanted to be with me too, but we both will never accept it.

After a few months, on promotion, they transferred me to another branch in a different city. Rahul met me on the day I was packing my things.

“Oh, so you finally got what you wanted, isn’t it? But I feel you shouldn’t have accepted. There is no growth in the branch you are going to handle.”

Really? I wondered. All the way he came to say this? Won’t he miss me? At least say something Rahul, my mind spoke.

I said “No Rahul. Don't worry about me. My decisions have never gone wrong. And this time too I will prove that.”

“Okay then. You are stubborn, and there is no use advising you. All the best”. He didn’t even hold my hand that day and we left on different paths with tears in our eyes

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