The face of another

Hot and a little bit damp. My skin is burning. Any drop of sweat immediately evaporates. It’s a crushing heat, hitting me from all sides. My soles and palms are sore from the hot sand. My tongue is swollen. My mouth is dry. I look up. No shade in sight. I let my head fall on the sand. I would frown, but I am afraid my chapped lips will break to pieces. Breathing takes up an enormous amount of concentration and energy. I lay on my back. My arms and legs spread on the ground. I lay and try not to move.

I feel a tingling sensation on my arm. When I turn my head to look at it, I see a lost scarab beetle. I desperately shake it off and shrug with disgust. I put my head on the sand. “Just lay down a bit, gather some strength and keep going”, I say to myself. So I close my eyes and breathe.

I must have fallen asleep for some time because when I opened my eyes, it was getting dark. I groaned and got up slowly and shaky. I can’t remember how long I had been stuck in the desert. It couldn’t have been that long, could it? Otherwise, I would already be dead. At that moment I saw a green flare light the sky and appear to fall some distance in front of me. I follow the path to the green light, but when I got close to it, it vanishes. I squint my eyebrows together. “I must be hallucinating.”, I think to myself and smile defeated.

I look up, stars are crawling their way through the thick clouds. Cloudy, that means a warmer night. I shiver, shake my head and make my way through the endless dunes in front of me. Step by step, I keep pushing my body over the limit. My walking is rhythmical. Left, right, left, right. Just like the beat of my heart pounding shyly in my chest. I feel like walking for hours. It all looks the same, how could I have known if by any chance I wasn’t actually walking in circles. It drives me insane. Everything. Every corn of sand. Every lost scarab beetle. Every gust of wind. Every star I see. But I keep walking, one foot after another. Leaving no trace behind.

It is indeed a warmer night, still, there is a steady wind blowing. It is pushing me from behind as if it would want to lead me somewhere. I had made a turban out of my T-shirt, but because it was getting chilly, I took it off and got dressed. It was dead silent. Not a single sound could be heard. Only my footsteps in the sand. One after another, never skipping a single beat. “I am tired.”, I say to myself, just then a gust of wind pushes me with more power than before. I keep walking, up and down the never-ending dunes. Just then, the sky lights up again, and I see the same bright green flash travel across the sky. When it disappears, I look around in disbelief. It is day again. The sun is shining bright. It’s beginning to feel hot again. I shake my head, blink rapidly a few times, take my shirt off and wrap it around my scalp for protection. Then I keep on walking.

I descend from a dune and to my surprise, I see an oasis. The sparkling water catches my attention. I feel a tingling sensation take over my body. Suddenly my legs start moving faster, and faster, and faster. I run down the hill. I stumble over and fall, but I immediately get up and keep running. When I get to the oasis my heart is pounding like crazy, my hands are trembling and I have trouble catching my breath, still, I dip my hand in the water and sight happily. I wash my face and observe all the dirt coming off. I look in the water, searching for my reflection. Two tired, bloodshot, blank green eyes stare back. The life in them has vanished. I blink really often because they itch. It scares me, that one’s eyes can lose all their life. They look like a bottomless pit. Falling and falling. Never stopping. My skin is oily and reddish. I have a rash on the left side of the neck.

As I drink, I notice movement with the side of my eye. I look up and see a man. He is wearing traditional clothes and a turban. Another piece of material is covering his mouth and nose. When I gaze up, I startle. A pair of lifeless, bloodshot, blank eyes are scanning me from top to bottom. I nod, in the sign of a greet. He nods back and turns around his back facing me now. He is filling up a small container with water. I sink in my thoughts. “What is going on?”, I ask myself, “should I ask him for help?”

I turn back to washing my face. Suddenly I feel the urge to talk to the man. I must have lost track of time because when I gaze up, the stranger is leaving. I stumble to my feet and run to catch up on him. But he vanishes into thin air. When I look back to the oasis, all I can see is a dune. I shake my head confused. At this point, I cease to wonder what is happening to me. I just leave it up to the gods.

I close my eyes and breathe in. Then breathe out. I stare forward and shamble toward the horizon. With every step more and more questions light up in my head. What am I doing? Who am I fighting for? Indeed, who am I fighting for? Those blank eyes I had seen staring back had, said a lot. I was a lost cause. But still, I don’t want to die. No human being can possibly wish their death, can they? And if they can, what drives them so far away from forgiving and understanding themselves? So many unanswered questions, so many years left to live, all for nothing. I had not achieved anything big in life. I had not left a legacy. If I died, no one would come looking for me, no one would mourn me. I don’t want to die. I am not ready to go. I am ready to withstand death. A pearl of sweat rolls down my neck.

Just as I drag my feet along the hot sand I notice the sun starting to go down. I lost sense of time. I unfold my shirt and put it back on. I sit down to catch my breath. My eyes lids are getting heavy and my vision blurs. I fall asleep.

I am in the desert and I am walking continuously. The steps are following the sound of my heart pounding. It seems like a never-ending journey through no men’s land. A labyrinth of nothing. A sadistic jungle of insanity. It’s a place that mocks you until your death. You never know what’s real and what’s not.

I am stranded in this place forgotten by civilization. But I walk and walk, in the hope to find the exit. As I am walking I notice a man in the distance. It looks to me as if he is digging some sort of hole or grave. I think to myself: “He must have gotten here somehow, he is my way out.”

I try to increase the number of steps I take, but I am exhausted. Little by little the man gets larger, I get closer. As I walk up to him I decide to give him a heads up so I shout:

“Heeey, heey, can you please help me?”

He doesn’t react, so I scream even louder:

“Heeey, heey, please, I need your help!”

There’s no sign of him noticing me so I give up shouting. When I arrive near him I tap him on the shoulder. He turns around and I freeze. A pair of dead, bottomless green eyes stare into my soul. I startle and my heart skips a beat. The man has a shovel in his right hand. As he goes with his other hand for the shovel to continue digging the grave, the left part of his neck shows. There is a rash. A shiver runs down my spine. His hands meet and he continues digging. Suddenly I feel dizzy. I lose my balance and fall in the grave. I keep on falling into the dark. It feels like an eternity, but curiously enough I don’t get scared. Then I finally hit the ground.

I flinch and wake up. My heart is pumping like crazy. I wait some time to take it all in. The sun is starting to rise. I get up and start walking again. I feel no heat, no aches, no fatigue. I am numb. My soles don’t burn. I don’t sweat. I keep strolling with no idea where to. I don’t complain, I don’t think too much about it. I comply with the situation. The sun goes up. It’s a pretty view. The sand is shining. The dunes reach out forever.

A green light, like a comet, falls from the sky. Without hesitation I change my course, now walking toward it. When I reach the top of the dune, I see where the light had landed. At the bottom of the dune, I distinguish the silhouette of a man on top of a camel. As I get closer I notice his eyes. Lifeless, green eyes, that stare into one’s soul. The man holds out his hand. Without any resistance, I grab onto it. He helps me on the camel. I sit behind him, holding onto his long, black covering, so I don’t fall off. The camel begins to move. I sigh.

We walk in silence for a few short minutes. My head is growing heavy, so I lay it on his back. Eyes closed, I mumble:

“Stranger…”

I shake my head and start a new sentence:

“I don’t know… I don’t…I don’t know you.”

He doesn’t react. His hands on the worn-out bridle. I exhale tired. We walk further, toward the horizon, at the same pace, following the beat of my pounding heart.