Why I Have Bars on My Windows

Warning: attempted sexual violence and gun violence

When we have children, we promise to give them lives better than our own. We try to raise them with respect and encourage a good education. We want to give them the world but protect them from the evils around them.

I grew up a pretty typical life in 1960's America. My father worked for the local bank and my mother stayed home and raised my brother and I. There were dinner parties on Saturday nights, that the kids were not invited to. I was on the pep squad and my brother was a star football player, wide receiver. Our town was quiet but well off. Everyone had a television in the living room and most had polls in the back yard. Our worst crimes were teenagers racing down Poison Spider Road and the occasional drunken fight at the bar.

We left our doors unlocked and stayed out passed dark. We didn't fear our neighbors like in bigger cities. Everyone knew everyone's business and looked out for each other. I always knew I would settle in my little town and raise a family just like Mama and Daddy did. My future was set, I was dating the quarter back and knew I would marry him when we graduated. Mama was already making my wedding dress.

When I turned 17, my world went dark. I no longer felt safe in our sleepy little town, and I no longer trusted my neighbors. I refused to marry my high school sweetheart and at eighteen I left behind everything I knew. I found a place in another state and tried to start over. That's where I met Jerry. He seemed to understand my mistrust, and I didn't have to tell him why. He gave me my time and space. He was so sweet and amazing. He was like the light in my dark world. We married a year later and three years after that we welcomed our sweet little girl into the world. She turned out to be our only child. She was our world. We world hard to give her everything that she needed and most of what she wanted.

I got a call one day from my brother, who had joined the military right our of High school. He said that Daddy was really sick and Mama wasn't sounding good. He couldn't help them much because he was stationed in Germany and couldn't get leave. I dreaded the thought of moving back home. I had finally put all the darkness behind me. Now it was threatening to come rushing back.

Jerry and I sat down and discussed the options. After a lot of debate, it was decided that we would move in with my parents to help them. Just until they were better.

It was strange driving into town. I had been gone for a decade but nothing seemed to have changed. The drugstore still stood on the corner with the same two old men sitting outside talking to everyone who passed by. The clock tower was still broken. In my Junior year the seniors decided a trebuchet was a great celebration tool. The clock face was smashed, leaving the numbers and hands like skeletons in the whole.

We turned down the street that I grew up on. Even the children looked the same. "Mommy! Mommy? can I go play with those kids?" my daughter asked from the back seat with her faced pressed to the window. "Maybe later. Let's go see Grandma and Grandpa first." I answered with a smile. Jerry parked in front of my childhood home. He turned to me, "Are you ready, love?" he asked. I just nodded and gave a weak smile.

Walking through the front door was surreal. My father was in a recliner watching television. He looked like he had both feet in the grave. Mama shuffled out of the kitchen. "Maggie?" she questioned, looking at me surprised. "Hi, Mama." I responded. "I didn't know you were coming." Mama stated. "Mama, we talked about it a week ago and last night. Jerry and I are moving in to help you and Daddy." I couldn't understand why she didn't remember. "Who's Jerry? What happened to Kevin?" Mama asked. "Jerry is my husband. I haven't seen Kevin in years." I explained. "Husband? But you are only seventeen." Mama questioned. "Mama, I'm twenty-seven. I moved out of town after high school." I responded. Mama looked at me confused with tears in her eyes. This was before I understood what Alzheimer's was.

"Mommy, is that my grandma?" my little six year old asked. I took in a deep breath, "Yes, honey. That's Grandma." I said, pushing back the tears. The little girl to turned the older woman, "Hi Grandma, I'm Sophie." she introduced. Mama looked at the sweet little girl then to me. "Is this why you left?" she asked. "No, Mama. Sophie is six. I left home ten years ago." I explained. "Oh... Well, I wish I would have know you were coming. I would have made dinner." she turned and shuffled down the hall. "Is something burning?" Jerry asked.

We rushed to the kitchen to find smoke coming out of the oven and a pot boiling over. I removed the pot from the stove and put it in the sink. I opened the window as Jerry opened the oven. The room filled with the putrid smell of burning meat, I think. What was in the pan was unrecognizable.

While we were airing out the kitchen, Sophie came in looking worried, "What happened?" she asked, fear in her eyes. Jerry walked over to her, "Don't worry, Princess. Grandma just over cooked dinner." He ushered her out of the kitchen. He turned back to me, "How could she just forget that she was cooking?" he questioned. "I don't know." I shook my head. "What did your brother say when he called?" he asked. "Just that Daddy was really sick and Mama wasn't sounding good. No other details. He never mentioned how forgetful she has become. She has very little awareness of what is around her or of time. I wonder if she really even knows who she is." I responded.

We settled into my childhood home. Sophie took my room and Jerry and I moved into my brother's room, the second biggest room in the house. Daddy spent just another month at home before we had to take him to the hospital. The funeral was help the next Sunday. Mama didn't go, she thought he was on a business trip. We tried to tell her that Daddy wasn't coming home because he had passed. She wouldn't listen. Watching Mama fall away like she did, broke my heart.

Mama went into the home that August. We had no choice, she was becoming angry and it scared Sophie. Jerry and I agreed that putting her in a place that knew how to care for her was better for her and Sophie. She looked so hurt and confused when we took her to the home and told her that she was staying there. I cried the entire way home and more on the couch. Jerry just held me. It's alright. They can take better care of her there." he soothed. "It feels like I am abandoning her. Like I am just giving up on her." I cried. "You are not giving up on your mother. She is really sick and we don't know how to care for her the way she needs. This is what is best. The nurses can help her and we will visit as much as possible." he assured. "Every Sunday?" I questioned. "Every Sunday, right after church." he responded.

My brother finally came home for Mama's funeral. It was nice to see him again. It was a bittersweet reunion. We talked about old times and cried for Mama and Daddy. Sophie really liked meeting her Uncle G, as she called him. His name is Gregory, but she didn't like that. The two of them played for hours in the back yard. I, to this day, do not understand what they were playing so I will not even try and explain it. It was like they were in their own little world.

Gregory asked if I would stay in the house. He said he understood that I really didn't want to stay in that town but he really wanted his family home. He did ask if I would keep a room for him for when he visit. I thought about is, Jerry thought it was a good idea and Sophie said she really liked living there. So, for my family I, reluctantly, agreed.

Jerry got a job at the High School, teaching shop class. I worked part time at the library. Sophie started school at my old elementary school. She loved it there and quickly mad friends. I started to feel more and more at home. The darkness didn't rush back. My town didn't seem so scary as it did before. Jerry fixed the pool that had been left to decay. I started having dinner parties on Saturday nights, just like my parents. My neighbors weren't the possible demons I saw them as back then.

Sophie grew up happy and smart. She followed in my footsteps and joined the pep squad in her freshman year. Time seemed to reverse and felt like when I was growing up. Jerry and I were happier than ever. Sophie started to get really interested in boys and this worried us. Jerry was not ready to let his little girl start dating. He wanted her to stay his little girl forever. I told him that she had to grow up someday and raise her own family. I worried that she would fall in love with the wrong guy and get hurt... or worse.,

Jerry was working late one night and Sophie was getting ready for her first date. I knew she was sixteen and I had to let her grow up but it didn't stop me from worry about what could happen. She was so excited and could not stop talking about how dreamy his eyes were. I shook my head, I was fooled by "dreamy" eyes before. I tried to tell her to calm down but she just wouldn't listen. She was over the moon. I tried to tell myself that she would be fine and I was just letting my past cloud the moment.

The door bell rang and she practically skipped to the door. I waited in the living room. When he walked in, my heart fell. I knew that face and those eyes brought shivers to my spine. I wanted to tell her she couldn't go but I couldn't tell her why. "Mama, this is Evan. Evan this is my mom." Sophie introduced. "Nice to meet you." he held out his hand. I reluctantly shook his hand, "You too" my skin crawled at his touch. I pushed back my feelings and gave the best smile I could muster.

I followed them to the door and waved as they drove away in that oh so familiar car. I couldn't believe it was all coming back. I paced the living room watching the clock. Maybe he wasn't the same. Maybe I am just being stupid. As time moved, slowly, on and my anxiety grew I could help but think of the worst. The clock struck twelve and I knew something was wrong. Sophie never missed curfew.

I walked into my bedroom and took out my hidden gun. I looked at myself in the mirror. I remember thinking, "I have completely lost my mind." I ignored that voice and got into my car. I drove down Azalea lane. The same gravel road I had walked down on a night as dark as this. The trees were more over grown. I pulled up to a clearing where I used to picked wild flowers. They were parked under the willow tree. I turned of the headlights and parked across the road. I sat and waited. I heard Sophie scream. I grabbed the gun from the passenger seat and got out. I walked over the car and saw that they were in the back seat. Sophie screamed for him to get off of her but he wouldn't listen. I opened the door and yanked him out. He was angry until he saw the gun pointed at his face. Staring down the barrel he cried and begged me not to kill him. He said he was sorry, and I think he peed his pants. I am not sure I just saw red and pulled the trigger.

Sophie sat in shock with tears rolling down her face. Without emotion, I looked at her and said, "Let's go home." and turned and walked to my car. By the time I stored the gun in the glove box Sophie, silently, got into the passenger seat. There were no words the entire ride home.

We walked through the front door and she turned to me, "Mama, why?" she asked. "Go to bed, sweetheart." I said and walked to my room. I sat on the bed and put the gun on the night stand. A little while later, Jerry came in. "Sorry, I'm late honey. Finals." he said and walked into the bathroom. I didn't respond. When he came back out dressed for bed I was still silent. "Maggie, are you alright?" he asked. I still said nothing. He knelt in front of me, "Honey, is something wrong?" he inquired. No words came out just tears. He wrapped his arms around me and just let me cry on his shoulder.

I don't know how long I cried in his arms but eventually I calmed down. Then I explained everything. I told him of how my high school sweetheart took me down Azalea lane and tried to force himself on me and that was why I moved and didn't want to move back. Then I told him that Sophie's date looked just like him. He asked why I didn't stop her from going if I was afraid. I said that I couldn't tell her what happened to me and that I thought I was just being paranoid. Then when it turned midnight and they were still not back I knew something was wrong so I went back to Azalea Lane. That's where I found them in the same care and he was just like Kevin. I explained out Sophie was crying and that I had drug the boy from the car and shot him.

Jerry looked at me in shock. He had never heard about what had happened to me. I could see that he was angry about what Evan had tried to do to Sophie. But mostly I think he was surprised that I killed Evan. He took in a deep breath and calmly told me that I needed to turn myself in. I agreed but not until Sophie was safe at school the next morning.

I didn't sleep that night, neither did Jerry. In the morning I made breakfast. I told Sophie how much I loved her and that I was sorry. Then I sent her to school. Jerry and I packed up the gun and he drove me to the station. I told the cop at the desk what I had done and gave them the gun. I kissed Jerry goodbye as they cuffed me and to me to the interview room. I gave my statement to two detectives and sighed a confession.

The crime shocked the town. Murder was something that just didn't happen here. At the trial I saw the boy's parents. When I saw the father I knew I had been right. He looked at me with wide eyes. He remembered me and knew what had happened. He bowed his head and said nothing. He even refused to give a victim impact statement. I was convicted of first degree murder.

I have been asked if I have any regrets. I have just a few. I regret that my daughter was a witness. I regret that I missed my daughter's wedding and the birth of her children. I regret that I wont grow old with Jerry as I had promised. He still visits every Sunday, right after church. He grows older every week and it breaks my heart that I will never hold him in my arms again. I have to watch my family grow up through the pictures on my cell walls. I do not regret defending my daughter, maybe I took it too far.

I sit in a concrete room and stare at the sky through steel bars, knowing I will die here.

Cherish those you love. One day they wont be there. Don't let anger tear you from everyone you love. The nights are lonely and cold, not just inside these walls.