The Last Summer Night

Chirp.

Chirp.

Chirp.

The crickets sound throughout the summer night sky. The air is cool with a light breeze carrying across the flat of the earth. The grass is warm from the blistering sun beating on it throughout the long afternoon. In the middle of the baseball outfield is where I sit and stare at the stars in the sky. It’s nights like this where my thoughts scream against the quiet of the night. 

I remember the day I left like it was yesterday. I begged and begged my mumma to let me move in the earliest day possible. She kept telling me to pick another day due to her work schedule, but I was so determined to get out of town I wouldn’t hear it. I wanted to be as far away as possible from the city where all my tears lay. Tears from betrayal and pain that I refused to address and instead chose to run from. 

We left as soon as possible. The city of Akron, Ohio gone from sight and out of mind. The drive was calm as we drove to the College of William and Mary. Traffic was dull and there was not one raindrop to be seen. Once on campus it took about three hours to get my keys and set up my room. After dinner it was time to say goodbye and from there I was separated from the last piece of home. 

I thought I would be happy. It was a new place to call home. I didn’t have to think about the time one of my closest friends embarrassed me in front of the school boy I liked. I wouldn’t be reminded of the days I felt alone no matter the setting I was in. I could change that I thought. The pending daily arguments with mumma? Gone. Dad? Didn’t see him much anyways so what was there to miss.

Here’s the thing about moving away, it doesn’t change who you were and are unless you make an effort. So days that were boring and dull before became even worse. They were spent inside a dark dorm room with my mind that would never turn off. Every thought I ever ignored back home came back full force and there was no one to even turn to for an escape. 

Lonely days became even lonelier. You don’t realize how lonely you are until you start sucking the life out of the few people who you can converse with. It’s a hard thing to do, becoming self aware to pull away from your safety people and many times it was too late to fix once I realized. Once the cuts were done, the days got more and more quiet. I had no friends and no motivation to continue on with life. Self deprecation and decay became my best friends. 

All purpose of life went down the drain. Future career plans sank down into nothing. Clubs I attempted to join did nothing to fulfill me. Anything involving taking a step forward required taking three steps back and it wasn’t long before shame and guilt of the past and present overtook my life. How could I do anything once the voices in my head became louder than the noises coming out of my throat? There was nothing I could do except cry.

This story started three years ago and has turned today into a burning fire. Today is the day I realize I cannot continue to live in this misery. To choose this life of self deprecation and loneliness is asking to die at the ripe age of 21. It’s asking to go on with nothing to show for the life you’ve lived. This is why I sit here under the moonlight attempting to ground myself to make a change.

I dig my feet into the soil underneath the grass and close my eyes. Laughter of children quickly followed by gasps and tears comes into my mind. Teachers yelling at me for the emotions I could not stand to hold flip through my mind. A child playing with barbies by herself follows to remind myself how alone I’ve been since the beginning of my time. I let myself see these visions and feel the emotions, but know this will be the final time to sulk.

It’s time to go home and address the memories I left behind. This is my last day on William and Mary’s campus and I will never forget the pain it put me through. Everyday on this campus I relived the memories of my past without making any for the future. Walking through the dining halls I would think of the friends I’d been betrayed by in high school. During long walks back to the dorm I would think the time in middle school I felt so alone I started to cut myself and the teachers responded with telling me it was just for the experience. In bed, my mind would lay awake thinking of how in elementary my dad would run away to Belize on the weekends he was supposed to spend with me, creating a domino effect of tears as my mother would cry about not getting her break. The memories are like a black cloud covering the sky and until addressed they will remain there and make my days rainy instead of bright. 

But for one more night I’m going to let these thoughts scream through the dark field. The darkness will comfort me cause while the sun eventually shines, it takes time for the clouds to move away. For one more night I will feel the numbness that comes with being lonely and stuck. 

When the sun rises in the morning it will feel like water drenching my skin. The light will burn and remain uncomfortable, but it will be the first step to moving forward and going home.

There will be no more running and instead I will push through my old fears head on. No escaping from old foes in the grocery store and thinking about whether others know I haven’t started to live up to the potential of my youth. It’s time to change this tragedy once the clock strikes in the a.m..